Daily Archives: May 5, 2017

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Posted by on May 5, 2017 in WISDOM


Magic Formula for Good Couple Relationships.


Dear friend,

If you’re in doubt about what it takes to make a couple relationship work – despair not! Barbara has developed a magic relationship formula called …

BB’s Magic Formula for Good Couple Relationships
by Barbara Berger

Based on my many years of counseling people, I’ve identified what I call the four main areas which need to harmonize, more or less, for a couple relationship to continue and thrive:
1) Good sex
2) Good energy when you’re together
3) Shared values and interests
4) Respect (especially when you are not in agreement)

Let’s look at these four areas and see why they are so important. But before we start, I’d like to emphasize that we’re not talking about two people always matching in these areas, but that on the whole, the two of you should be more or less a good match in these four areas.

1) Good sex
I start with good sex because for most of us, our relationships begin with the excitement of meeting and with the good sex. It’s fun and we feel good about it. So sex is a weathervane in any relationship, even after people have been together for a while. So how is your sex life? Are you still doing it? How often? Does it feel good? Is it a source of pleasure in your relationship or a source of tension and disappointment?  Or has it just sort of faded into the distance….

2) Good energy when you’re together
By this I mean that when the two of you are together, is there good energy? More or less, most of the time? In other words, does it feel good when you’re together? Is there a relaxed and lighthearted atmosphere when you are together even though each of you is doing your own thing. And what about when you’re doing stuff together – is there good energy?  Or is it just a drag? Or is there a lot of tension, irritation, or bad feelings? How does it really feel when you’re together. Be honest.

3) Shared values and interests
Shared values and interests are another important area where people need to be more or less in harmony for a couple relationship to work in the long run. And by this I mean, even if you love each other, if the one person wants to spend all their time meditating on a mountain top in silence while the other person wants to spend all their time shopping in Paris or London, you might not be such a good match because what are you going to do together? You don’t like to hang out the way he/she likes to hang out and he/she doesn’t like to hang out the way you do. So again, it’s important that people have at least some shared interests if they want to do stuff together and hang out. So it’s nice if both parties like to go skiing or like to go hiking or camping or walking in the mountains or lazing on the beach. Or if both parties love going to the theater or to the movies and concerts. Because it’s fun and important to have things we can do together and really enjoy doing together.

Shared values are also very important. Again, if one partner wants to have an open relationship and wants to have sex with multiple partners, while the other person wants a monogamous relationship – then it can be hard to live together harmoniously because you don’t have shared values. It’s not that one way or the other is “right” or “wrong”, but rather that the two of you are probably just too far away from each other to live together harmoniously.  I always say if two consenting adults want to be chained together from morning to evening every day of the week – and they agree that this works for them – well fine! And if two consenting adults say they want to live apart and meet only once a month and bonk for 24-hours non-stop – and they agree that this works for them – well fine! So we’re not talking about “right” or “wrong” here, we’re just talking about finding what works for two people.

Other shared values which can be important in couple relationships are, for example, having kids. It can be a problem if one of you wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. How is that going to work? Or what about if you do have children; then there is the question of how to bring them up. If the one parent goes in for very strict discipline and the other parent is more laid back, this again can create disagreement and tension in terms of how to bring up children. Who gets to decide?

And what about keeping the house clean? I have seen the same problem arise in couples here when it comes to the level of tidiness. If the one person is very neat and tidy and the other is very messy, this again can cause endless problems and tension when these two people are living together in the same space.

So shared values are not so much a question of “right” or “wrong”, but rather a question of how much in alignment two people are with each other when it comes to being together and/or living together and sharing the same space. Is there some form of agreement about some of the basic activities these two people are sharing in the relationship? Because when the distance between the two parties is too great, when two people are too far apart in their basic approaches to life and the various everyday issues we face, it can make being together and/or living together very challenging.

4) Respect (especially when you are not in agreement)
Respect is my final point and is probably the most important of them all. By respect I mean, can you and do you treat each other with respect – especially when you disagree about things! It’s easy to be nice and treat your partner respectfully if you always agree with each other. But are you psychologically mature enough to understand and realize that even people who love each other can disagree with each other. And sometimes often do! Do you understand that this is because we are all different and all have different backgrounds and ideas about how things should be and what to do. For a relationship to work, it’s vitally important to understand that love and agreement are two different things. We can love someone very much and still disagree with them. So treating each other with respect, especially when you disagree with each other, is the most crucial aspect of any good relationship. Because if you can do this, if you can respectfully listen to each other and then sit down and discuss ways in which you can reach a workable compromise on whatever issues you find challenging, then your relationship has a really good chance of not just surviving, but of thriving!

How respect affects all the areas
When you look at your relationship in the light of these four areas, it’s a good thing to notice that things keep changing and that you and your partner are probably stronger in some areas than in others. But regardless, these four points will give you an idea of what you need to focus more on. You will also see that especially when you work on the last point – Respect – that when you develop respectful ways of communicating when there are disagreements, it influences the energy between you and automatically there is better energy when you are together (point 2) and this also often makes your sex life better too (point 1). So it all hangs together! And the better it gets, the better it gets.


Tim and Barbara


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Posted by on May 5, 2017 in WISDOM

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