All to often I talk with women who just “aren’t feelin’ it” anymore (or maybe they never have) in the bedroom. Over time, women who are not getting sexually turned-on with their partners will find themselves in one of these three camps:
1. You’ve stopped making love with your partner. Sex rarely occurs, and if it does it’s only because your partner initiates. However, your partner rarely initiates anymore because he’s experienced a history of painful rejection (note: her lack of enthusiasm for sex is interpreted as rejection). Couples may continue to co-exist as roommates, but the vital sexual connection between them is lost.
2. You are willing to go through the motions of having sex, but you’re not really enjoying making love. You feel more like a shell during intercourse, not really experiencing pleasurable sensations, and waiting for him to finish… hoping it will be soon. You are willing to have sex because you understand it’s important to your partner and you want to meet your partner’s sexual needs, however you’re not really enjoying it. The reason you’re not enjoying sex is because sex has become another task on your to-do list, it feels like an obligation to take care of someone else’s needs. While this low quality sex is helpful, it is far from optimal, and can undermine your relationship overtime as resentment builds when your needs remain unmet.
3. You “fake it”. You pretend like you’re having the time of your life, giving him what you think he wants… moaning, shouting, grinding and even flipping your hair around if you’re really good. Then you’ll give him a clear signal that you have reached an orgasm (when inside yourself, you know you haven’t) to finish things up, but it’s all an act. You’re mimicking what you’ve have seen in porn movies, or trying to be what you think your partner wants you to be for him. Again trying to please your partner with no connection to your authentic sensual self. Like in case #2, you care about pleasing your partner, but inside you’re not really feelin’ it.
All three of the above approaches are responses to the same problem: low sexual fulfillment. Low sexual fulfillment means that sex isn’t very enjoyable for you. You don’t see what all the fuss is about. You could take it or leave it, but preferably leave it because you might as well be reading a good book, folding laundry or catching some extra ZZZ’s.
The REAL problem is NOT that you don’t enjoy sex; it is that you have not learned HOW to relax and receive pleasure (with no strings attached).
LEARNING TO RELAX
Give yourself permission to slow down and relax, even if it means the kitchen floor remains un-swept. Relaxation begins with valuing yourself enough to allow yourself to be as you are. Once you’ve given yourself permission, recognize that relaxing is a skill that is LEARNED by practicing. With our multitasking tendencies, relaxing is a conscious choice. Make the choice to practice daily. And those of you proclaiming, “I don’t have time to relax”, need it the most.
Relaxing just takes a moment, because it’s simply a way of being present in your body. Focusing on your breathing releases tension and lowers your heart rate. Play is another great way to relax, find things to laugh about daily. For a more formal practice, take a yoga class that offers meditation. And if all else fails, there’s always merlot!
RECEIVING PLEASURE FREELY
Most of us are taught to associate receiving pleasure with shame or guilt. We think that pleasure must be earned, bought or acquired as a reward for our tireless efforts. Without realizing it most of us learn to associate female sexual pleasure (women enjoying sex) with being “slutty” or immoral. After all, how many of us have ever witnessed women enjoying sex who wasn’t a porn star? Hmmm.
So let’s rethink sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is a gift that is freely given to humankind to enrich our lives. Pleasure does not have to be earned or given by someone else. Pleasure is free. Pleasure is simply enjoying ALL of the wonderful sensations that can be experienced through the body and spirit. The ability to feel, taste, smell, touch, and hear are all avenues for pleasure.
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE?
Your relationship changes the instant you change. So, the next time you decide to become sexually intimate, take a moment to clear your mind with some deep, slow breaths. Become completely present in your body, release any stress, and allow yourself to completely forget about your daily “to-do” list. Now, give yourself permission to receive pleasure. Tell your partner what feels good with sounds, words and smiles. Or better yet, show your partner how you like to be touched. Guide his hand where you want it. If you’re not certain where and how you like to experience sexual pleasure, start by exploring your own body alone. Read Goddess my Guide article “How to use a vibrator.”
There is nothing to feel shameful or guilty about. Only good things come to the women and couples who use sensual aids. In fact, women who use vibrators experience many benefits that non-users do not, including greater sexual health, more fulfilling sexual relationships, less anxiety, increased sexual self-confidence and higher libido. Vibrators can be easily incorporated into lovemaking with your partner; in the same way you might use lingerie or music to enhance the experience. For help with introducing a sex toy into your relationship read my Goddess Guide article “How to introduce a vibrator into my relationship.”
It’s never too late! Simply give yourself permission to enjoy receiving pleasurable sensations during sex in much the same way as you might enjoy a rich, smooth, chilled piece of cheesecake or hearing your 4-year-old laugh uncontrollably at an episode of Sponge Bob. Life is rich with pleasure, add more sexual pleasure to your life and watch yourself and your relationship blossom!
By Isa Jones of GoddessUnleashed.com
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