Daily Archives: August 14, 2012
Some people get the wrong idea and think assertiveness is aggression, but it’s not.
Learning to communicate honestly with others
Now that we’ve looked into communicating honestly with ourselves, what does it take to communicate honestly with other people? First of all – as described above – it takes knowing your own mind. But when it comes to communicating honestly with others, knowing yourself isn’t enough. Communicating with others is a skill – but not necessarily a skill we’re born with! Of course some people are natural-born communicators, but most of us aren’t. But even if you weren’t born a communicator, don’t despair – there’s still hope. Fortunately for us, communicating honestly, openly and directly is a skill we can all learn. And in this connection, learning to be assertive is a key factor. So let’s take a look at the idea of assertiveness.
Assertiveness
First of all, what does being assertive mean? Assertiveness means the ability to express yourself and defend your rights without violating the rights of others. It is appropriate, direct and open communication.
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. This is a very important distinction so I will repeat it. Assertiveness is not the same as aggression. Some people get the wrong idea and think assertiveness is aggression, but it’s not. Aggression is self-enhancing behavior at the expense of others. Being assertive is just the opposite and translates into the ability to take care of oneself without violating the rights of other people.
Unfortunately, many of us confuse open and honest communication with angry and aggressive behavior – and as a result, we are afraid of saying honestly what we feel and mean. I know I did for a very long time.
It was first when I understood the beauty of assertiveness that I realized it was the key to taking care of myself and communicating honestly and clearly with other people at the same time. I found out that if I could learn to be assertive, it is possible to cope with disagreement and conflict without going to pieces. I also found that being assertive is a firm, yet satisfying way to stand up for your rights without becoming angry or aggressive.
In order to illustrate the difference between being assertive and being aggressive or passive, I’ve developed the chart below.
Passive behavior
Flight
Running away
Submissive
Violating your own limits
Criticizing yourself
Making yourself wrong
Pointing the finger at yourself
Assertive behavior
Balance Point
Your own power
Staying in your power
Minding your own
business
Taking responsibility for
yourself
Standing up for your
rights
Self-power
Aggressive behavior
Fight
Attacking
Dominating
Violating the limits of
others
Criticizing others
Making others wrong
Pointing the finger at others
This chart shows that there is a balance point between the extremes of passive and aggressive behavior – and this balance point is assertive behavior. When you are assertive, you are staying in your own business and standing up for yourself and your rights. When you are passive, you run away from conflict and make yourself wrong. When you are aggressive, you attack and make other people wrong. The two extreme points – passive and aggressive behavior – correspond to the classic ‘fight or flight’ reaction pattern. The balanced position is assertive behavior – and means not going to
extremes to deal with the situation but standing firm in your own power.
Your assertive rights
I first became aware of the concept of assertiveness when I read Manuel J. Smith’s wonderful book “When I say no, I feel guilty” many years ago. In his book, he carefully explains the concept of assertiveness and explores many of the underlying beliefs we have that prevent us from expressing ourselves clearly and from taking care of ourselves.
In the book, he presents a list of what he calls our 10 assertive rights. I include the list for you here because it is such a revelation. For more details, please read his book. It’s a true gem.
“Assertive Rights
1. You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and
emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and
consequences upon yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses to justify your
behavior.
3. You have the right to judge whether you are responsible for finding
solutions to other people’s problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to say ‘I don’t know’.
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before
coping with them.
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9. You have the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’.
10. You have the right to say, ‘I don’t care’.
You have the right to say no, without feeling guilty.” From “When I say no, I feel guilty” by Manuel J. Smith
Expressing yourself assertively
So how do we express ourselves assertively? What does it mean? Here are some of the main things we need to be aware of and remember when we practice expressing ourselves in an assertive manner. (And remember, learning to be assertive takes practice. You have to keep trying – again and again!)
First of all, when you disagree with someone, state your position or point of view as clearly as you can. No need to get upset. Be kind but firm. But don’t expect the other person to agree with you! Being assertive doesn’t have anything to do with winning arguments or being right. Being assertive is about honestly expressing your point of view and taking care of yourself. It’s not about winning and losing. So state your position clearly – and be willing to hear the other person’s point of view. When you have stated your position, don’t expect the other person to agree with you. He or she probably won’t.
When the other person has stated their position, don’t be afraid to repeat your own position or point of view again, kindly but firmly. When you see or hear that the other person does not agree with you, don’t attack or criticize him or her. Just stay in your own business and repeat your own position.
Remember – you are responsible for your feelings and opinions about the matter. The other person is responsible for his or her feelings and opinions about the matter. Each person has a right to his/her feelings and opinions.
It’s also important to remember that you don’t have to offer explanations or excuses for your choices, opinions, beliefs or behavior. (You might want to explain but you don’t have to. Remember you have the right to be you!)
In most disagreements, the best possible outcome is what I would call a ‘workable compromise’ – in other words a solution that both parties can accept. So it’s not a question of right or wrong or of one person winning and the other losing. It’s more about finding a way to deal with the matter that both people can live with.
It is also important in disagreements to show the other person that you hear them and understand their feelings. You don’t want to make the other person wrong just because he/she doesn’t agree with you – and you don’t want to make yourself wrong either. But you do want to acknowledge the other person’s point of view and feelings. This is the respectful, yet assertive way to be.
And finally, remember you don’t need to agree with the other person to find a workable compromise. Once both parties understand each other’s position, it can be much easier to find a solution that both parties can accept.
So to summarize, here are the main points to keep in mind:
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– State your position as clearly as you can.
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– Be kind but firm.
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– Don’t expect the other person to agree with you.
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– Be willing to hear the other person’s point of view.
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– Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, kindly but firmly.
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– Don’t attack or criticize the other person.
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– Stay in your own business.
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– You are responsible for your feelings about the matter.
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– The other person is responsible for his/her feelings about the matter.
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– You don’t need to offer explanations or excuses for your choices, opinions or behavior.
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– Show the other person you hear them and understand their feelings.
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– Don’t make the other person wrong just because he/she doesn’t agree with you.
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– Don’t make yourself wrong (or criticize or excuse yourself).
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– Remember, you don’t need to agree with the other person to find a workable compromise.
Things you can say
When you are having this kind of discussion, here are some good ways to acknowledge the other person’s point of view while maintaining your own rights, position, and point of view. You can say things like:
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– I can totally understand how you might feel that way and I still…
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– You could be right and I still…
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– I can understand your point of view and I still…
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– I really appreciate your feelings (point of view) in this matter and I still…
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– I am inclined to agree with you and I still…
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– I totally sympathize with you and I still…
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– I appreciate your thinking of me and the answer is still no.
Barbara Berger
Computers Crash and Relationships fall Apart!
Personal Relationship Values
In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your actual actions. Embrace and incorporate these powerful values, and you will start living with more integrity, honesty, compassion and enthusiasm. This, in turn, will breathe new life into your relationship.
Own your own relationship.
You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again believe you’re a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship.
Accept the risk of vulnerability.
Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to lose yourself.
Accept your partner.
If your partner experiences in you the spirit of acceptance, then it is most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from pain, have a dramatically improved chance of reconciliation.
Focus on friendship.
You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate interactions, and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Turn back the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that matured into an intimate relationship.
Promote your partner’s self-esteem.
You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your partner’s self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.
Aim your frustrations in the right direction.
Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your interactions with your partner.
Be up front and forthright.
Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship upon integrity rather than lies and deception.
Make yourself happy instead of right.
Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you don’t have to prove over and over that you know what you’re talking about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than right, you will be receptive to your partner’s attempts to de-escalate hostility and return to civil interactions.
Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil.
Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you are setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your partner will not go.
Put motion into your emotion.
You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don’t be so consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.
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Dr. Phil
Please use the link below to find an endless source of wisdom!
http://drphil.com/articles/article/81
Only a matter of time before the hand grenade explodes – Wealth creation – MOELETSI MBEKI
MOELETSI MBEKI: Wealth creation
Only a matter of time before the hand grenade explodes
I CAN predict when SA’s “Tunisia Day” will arrive. Tunisia Day is when the masses rise against the powers that be, as happened recently in Tunisia. The year will be 2020, give or take a couple of years. The year 2020 is when China estimates that its current minerals-intensive industrialisation phase will be concluded.
For SA, this will mean the African National Congress (ANC) government will have to cut back on social grants, which it uses to placate the black poor and to get their votes. China’s current industrialisation phase has forced up the prices of SA’s minerals, which has enabled the government to finance social welfare programmes.
The ANC inherited a flawed, complex society it barely understood; its tinkering s with it are turning it into an explosive cocktail. The ANC leaders are like a group of children playing with a hand grenade. One day one of them will figure out how to pull out the pin and everyone will be killed.
A famous African liberation movement, the National Liberation Front of Algeria, after tinkering for 30 years, pulled the grenade pin by cancelling an election in 1991 that was won by the opposition Islamic Salvation Front. In the civil war that ensued, 200,000 people were killed.
The former British prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, once commented that whoever thought that the ANC could rule SA was living in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Why was Thatcher right? In the 16 years of ANC rule, all the symptoms of a government out of its depth have grown worse.
– Life expectancy has declined from 65 years to 53 years since the ANC came to power;
– In 2007, SA became a net food importer for the first time in its history;
– The elimination of agricultural subsidies by the government led to the loss of 600,000 farm workers’ jobs and the eviction from the commercial farming sector of about 2,4-million people between 1997 and 2007; and
– The ANC stopped controlling the borders, leading to a flood of poor people into SA, which has led to conflicts between SA’s poor and foreign African migrants.
What should the ANC have done, or be doing? The answer is quite straightforward. When they took control of the government in 1994, ANC leaders should have: identified what SA’s strengths were; identified what SA’s weaknesses were; and decided how to use the strengths to minimise and/or rectify the weaknesses.
A wise government would have persuaded the skilled white and Indian population to devote some of their time — even an hour a week — to train the black and coloured population to raise their skill levels.
What the ANC did instead when it came to power was to identify what its leaders and supporters wanted. It then used SA’s strengths to satisfy the short-term consumption demands of its supporters. In essence, this is what is called black economic empowerment (BEE).
BEE promotes a number of extremely negative socioeconomic trends in our country. It promotes a class of politicians dependent on big business and therefore promotes big business’s interests in the upper echelons of government. Second, BEE promotes an anti-entrepreneurial culture among the black middle class by legitimising an environment of entitlement. Third, affirmative action, a subset of BEE, promotes incompetence and corruption in the public sector by using ruling party allegiance and connections as the criteria for entry and promotion in the public service, instead of having tough public service entry examinations.
Let’s see where BEE, as we know it today, actually comes from. I first came across the concept of BEE from a company, which no longer exists, called Sankor. Sankor was the industrial division of Sanlam and it invented the concept of BEE.
The first purpose of BEE was to create a buffer group among the black political class that would become an ally of big business in SA. This buffer group would use its newfound power as controllers of the government to protect the assets of big business.
The buffer group would also protect the modus operandi of big business and thereby maintain the status quo in which South African business operates.. That was the design of the big conglomerates.
Sanlam was soon followed by Anglo American. Sanlam established BEE vehicle Nail; Anglo established Real Africa, Johnnic and so forth. The conglomerates took their marginal assets, and gave them to politically influential black people, with the purpose, in my view, not to transform the economy but to create a black political class that is in alliance with the conglomerates and therefore wants to maintain the status quo of our economy and the way in which it operates.
But what is wrong with protecting SA’s conglomerates? Well, there are many things wrong with how conglomerates operate and how they have structured our economy.
– The economy has a strong built- in dependence on cheap labour;
– It has a strong built-in dependence on the exploitation of primary resources;
– It is strongly unfavourable to the development of skills in our general population;
– It has a strong bias towards importing technology and economic solutions; and
– It promotes inequality between citizens by creating a large, marginalised underclass.
Conglomerates are a vehicle, not for creating development in SA but for exploiting natural resources without creating in-depth, inclusive social and economic development, which is what SA needs. That is what is wrong with protecting conglomerates.
The second problem with the formula of BEE is that it does not create entrepreneurs. You are taking political leaders and politically connected people and giving them assets which, in the first instance, they don’t know how to manage. So you are not adding value. You are faced with the threat of undermining value by taking assets from people who were managing them and giving them to people who cannot manage them. BEE thus creates a class of idle rich ANC politicos.
My quarrel with BEE is that what the conglomerates are doing is developing a new culture in SA — not a culture of entrepreneurship, but an entitlement culture, whereby black people who want to go into business think that they should acquire assets free, and that somebody is there to make them rich, rather than that they should build enterprises from the ground.
But we cannot build black companies if what black entrepreneurs look forward to is the distribution of already existing assets from the conglomerates in return for becoming lobbyists for the conglomerates.
The third worrying trend is that the ANC- controlled state has now internalised the BEE model. We are now seeing the state trying to implement the same model that the conglomerates have developed.
What is the state distributing? It is distributing jobs to party faithful and social welfare to the poor. This is a recipe for incompetence and corruption, both of which are endemic in SA. This is what explains the service delivery upheavals that are becoming a normal part of our environment.
So what is the correct road SA should be travelling? We all accept that a socialist model, along the lines of the Soviet Union, is not workable for SA today. The creation of a state-owned economy is not a formula that is an option for SA or for many parts of the world. Therefore, if we want to develop SA instead of shuffling pre-existing wealth, we have to create new entrepreneurs, and we need to support existing entrepreneurs to diversify into new economic sectors.
– Mbeki is the author of Architects of Poverty: Why African Capitalism Needs Changing.
This article forms part of a series on transformation supplied by the Centre for Development and Enterprise.
Thank you Annalise for this contribution.