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Book Review – “101 Relationship Myths” about sexual attraction”

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Here’s an excerpt from “101 Relationship Myths” about sexual attraction”. Enjoy!

“One of the relationship myths that has caused me the most pain during the course of my “relationship career” is the idea that strong sexual attraction and falling in love means you’re compatible and a good match. So a couple of years ago I decided to take a closer look at this idea and find out if it’s really true that when you’re on cloud nine and feel strong sexual attraction to someone, it means you’re going to be a good match as a couple.

It didn’t take me long to find the answer. When I looked back at some of my previous relationships, I could see that even though we were really attracted to each other, the reality was that we were not that good a match. Yes we might have felt blissful or even in love in the beginning, but when it came to relationships, lifestyle and interests, we often had very different views, preferences and values.

This realization was a revelation to me. Up until then, I’d been basing my choice of partner on whether or not there was a strong sexual attraction between us and not on whether or not we were a good match. And suddenly I could see the painful consequences of this misunderstanding – for me and my partners.

One of the consequences of believing that strong sexual attraction means you’re a good match was that in the beginning of a new relationship, I often found myself exaggerating or only focusing on the woman’s “positive” sides (oh she’s so beautiful, so spiritual, and so forth) while downplaying or even ignoring her more “negative” sides. For example, I would overlook the sudden unkind remark that made me feel uncomfortable and instead sweep it under the carpet because I was so much in love. Or I’d accept an action or actions on her part that I’d never accept in anyone else. But in her case, because the attraction was so strong, I’d let it slide. And I have to admit that if I had been totally honest with myself, the truth was I already knew on the very first date, in the very first five minutes or so of our conversation, why the relationship would sooner or later become unworkable. Yes it’s true, I actually knew from the very beginning the reasons why we would not be a good match…

But because I was so infatuated and innocently believed that strong sexual attraction means you’re a good match, I ignored reality. And the result was almost always the same. As soon as the intoxication of falling in love began to wear off and the reality began to set in, it would become more and more painful for me to stay in the relationship. And then, the long, difficult battle to extricate myself would begin.

Find your core values

So if strong sexual attraction and falling in love don’t necessarily mean you’re a good match – what does? What makes two people a good match?

One of the things that make two people a good match is that they have the same “core” values. By having the same core values, I don’t mean being the same personality type or having the same education or working in the same field. I mean you have the same basic attitudes when it comes to what’s important in life, not least what’s important when it comes to relationships.

One of the reasons why many relationships get into serious trouble is that the man and the woman don’t have the same core values. A “mismatch” like this usually spells trouble because most people live according to their core values – and usually unconsciously expect their partners to do so too. This can be problematic when these core values don’t match. Let’s take an example. Let’s say one of your core values is “freedom” while your partner’s core values are “security and feeling safe”. Obviously this can make your relationship problematic because you will both unconsciously be expecting the other to behave in a manner that is in conflict with his or her core value or values. So when you are faithful to your core value and give yourself and your partner lots of “freedom”, your partner may get upset and feel insecure because his/her core values of “security and feeling safe” are not being met or are threatened. The opposite is true too. When your partner tries to live in harmony with his/her core value and strives for “security” for example, by wanting clear agreements on how you do things, the “freedom-loving” partner feels stifled and inhibited. You feel your core value of “freedom” is being threatened. So this is why it is so important to be more aware of what you and your partner’s (or a potential partner’s) core values are.

My former girlfriend, sexologist and couples therapist Joan Ørting has developed a good exercise to help us become more aware of our core values when it comes to relationships. I suggest you give this exercise a try – it can be really interesting. Ask yourself the following questions and answer as honestly as you can.

Question: What is most important for you in a relationship?

Answer: That my partner accepts me and loves me unconditionally.

Question: How does it make you feel when your partner accepts you and loves you unconditionally?

Answer: It makes me feel SAFE.

Conclusion: So feeling SAFE is one of your core values.

Repeat the questions until you identify 3-5 of your main core values. Once you’ve done this, prioritize the values so that you end up with a list that looks like this:

My core values when it comes to relationships:
1) FEELING SAFE
2) BEING TOGETHER
3) JOY

Or perhaps you’ll come up with a list of core values that looks like this:

1) FREEDOM
2) ADVENTURE
3) BEING TOGETHER

Becoming aware of your core values can be a really big help when it comes to determining if you and a potential partner are a good match. And if you’re already in a relationship and are having problems, it may be because your core values do not match. So it can also be helpful to do this exercise with your partner and then talk about what your respective core values are. Understanding how your core values differ can make it easier to communicate with each other in the future.”

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Click here to read a short extract from the book.

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Posted by on March 19, 2015 in WISDOM

 

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It is not how hard you get hit, but how many times you bounce back.

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It is imperative to grasp as early as possible that you must believe in your own integrity, value and ability to make a difference. Most of us start life deluded and think that we are and will always be surrounded by individuals that will support us and that will be there for us when things fail to materialise as expected. Some of us discover early in life that real friends are rarer than virgins in a whore house. We discover that our so-called blood brothers and friends vanish like a fart in a thunder storm when things start going wrong for us. We should teach children that life is not fair and that they will more often than not work like a slave and get little or no rewards. Children must understand that life consist out of an endless range of challenges that will come at them like the waves of the ocean. We cannot give our children a bigger gift than the preparation needed to see things as they are (reality). True champions play to win, but also understand that it is silly to expect to win every time they go out to compete. The key to a long and successful career is fortitude. It is not how hard you get hit, but how many times you bounce back. We must train our children to see failure as stepping stones and not disasters. The biggest curse you can put on a child is to create the impression that everything will turn our ok if they try their best. You might be the best talented player that attempt to get into a team at school and still fail to find your name on the final team list. You may have failed to make the cut because a few other players have parents that make big donations to the school and play golf with the coach. The unprepared child is often destroyed long before he or she leave school. Unprepared children become disillusioned and some of them never recover. Look around you or do some research and you will discover that the real successful players in sport and the business world overcame serious adversity during their journey through life. There will be times in your life where you will face very testing times. You will yearn for support and understanding and discover that there is no one that is brave enough or loyal enough to come to your rescue. It is these critical moments, these dark nights of the soul that bring out the best in those with fortitude, courage and determination. Some of us understand that disaster can strike at any moment. We do not fear setbacks and disasters because we know that we can like so many times before overcome anything. Winners and true champions can get up and immediately start building on a new dream and a more exciting goal. The magic ingredient that so many lack in life is staying power and determination. This is the biggest blessing you can pass onto your children. The best way my friend to do this is to lead by example. Show your children that you are strong and courageous in the face of adversity.

Rene

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Posted by on March 19, 2015 in WISDOM

 

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Live today as if it is your last day on the planet.

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IMAGINE WRITING AN UNPLEASANT LETTER TO YOURSELF!

 

IMAGINE WRITING AN UNPLEASANT LETTER TO YOURSELF, MAILING IT, RECEIVING IT, OPENING IT AND THEN BEING UPSET AS YOU READ IT. THAT IS WHAT WORRY IS LIKE!

 

MOVIES IN YOUR MIND: Every time you worry you make movies in your mind that are full of imagined horror, disaster scenes and unhappy endings. Fear used by your ego) is the director, producer and writer of these fictional horror movies that you often play on the screen of your mind. A frightening fiction takes the place of reality. Worry robs you of your wisdom, your power and your true creativity. It will attempt to steal your sanity, take away your piece of mind, destroy your relationships and make off with your sense of humour.

Worry cannot give you anything of value and was always and will forever remain a taker. Your ego loves to see you cringe with fear and cry in agony because it gives him a feeling of control and power. While you are mentally kept busy fearing what might happen (ten seconds or ten years from now) you can give very little attention to what is actually happening in the now. Your mind is not in the now and predominantly occupied with the anticipated pending disasters, losses or pain that might come your way at some future time.

Because of your strong desire to survive, live, avoid pain and loss your mind goes into a panic mode, frantically looking for potential remedies for these disasters that might materialise at some future time. Once the ego successfully puts you on the run mentally it will put more wood on the fire by using fear to fuel the flames that are already busy burning your self-image and self-esteem to a crisp.

Once you are trapped in this horror movie that portrays painful disaster that could materialise at some future date the ego dances with joy. When this happened he successfully removed you from the NOW and forces you to work feverously on the FUTURE.

While you are locked into the future and busy wreaking your brain for answers to predominantly imaginary problems that might never effect you, you lose all your ability to remain successful and effective in the now. A friend once said, “You build imaginary castles and then even have the audacity to paint them”. Worry has never once in the whole history of the human race saved the day. At best worry is an alarm bell, but no alarm bell has ever put out a fire. The only way you can break this deadly habit of living in the future is to replace worry with something much more constructive and productive.

 

I WORRY ABOUT MY CHILDREN: Worry affirms fear, danger, weakness and mistrust. Worry will never make your child safe. Most parents know how painful it can be to wait for a child when he or she is out. You lie awake and create the most horrific pictures in your mind. You see your child in the mangled wreck of his or her car or how he or she lies in an ally bleeding with no one to help him or her.

When you think about your worries about your children carefully you finally come to the conclusion that you can worry yourself to a standstill or heart attack and can still not make the slightest change to their fate while they are away. You cannot protect him or her, ward off robbers or kill a potential rapist while you are lying in your bed perspiring with fear and anxiety.

All you are doing is causing yourself serious discomfort about something that you have very little control over. The only way to handle this type of worry is to teach your children wisdom, people skills and ethics and then to trust them when they leave the house for a party or evening out. Keep in mind that they are children and will make just as many mistakes as you made at that age. When they fail, let you down or make a mistake they need your support and not a lecture about what could have been if they listened to you. You must learn to let go for your own sake and for the sake of your children.

 

I WORRY ABOUT MY FRIENDS: Worry is not love it is fear in action. When you worry about someone you are sending them a stream of fear and doubt. You are filling your heart and mind with danger. Remember you can worry yourself to a standstill and it will still not change a thing about what may or may not befall your friend(s).

I know we are living in a period in our history that is inundated with danger. There is virtually no family or friendship circle that has not been touched by a tragedy cause by the crime wave that is virtually out of control in our country. It forces us to live in the future and to feed our egos that are having a field day feeding on our fear.

We must just remember that all our worry will not diminish the danger or prevent injury or death to come to our friends. We can remind them to be careful and wish them well. Once they leave we need to let go of them. If we mentally remain attached to them until we see them the next time we are taking on a heavy, but useless responsibility.

You can worry yourself into a stupor and still discover that “what will be will be”. The only victim here is you. Let us be perfectly honest and agree that percentage wise the odds are with us that we will see our friends safe and sound when they return. If you are over-sensitised about crime then stop reading newspapers and switch off the news for a while. All you are doing is feeding your ego with the affirmations that scream at you from most newspaper front pages. Let go and accept that all your worrying will not ensure the safe return of your friends.

 

I WORRY ABOUT ROMANCE: The more you worry about finding or keeping a partner, the needier, controlling, manipulative and demanding you become. Worry about the love in your life can be devastating. You are killing your romance when you allow fear of loss and failure to take over your thinking.

There is nothing that you can do to “police” your wife, husband or lover. When you allow “fear of loss” or “suspicion” to take over your thinking you are setting your relationship up for failure. Worry will not cause your partner to remain faithful to you. You are just poisoning your mind and your relationship when you sit at home worrying yourself to a standstill about the fidelity of your partner. It will not prevent your partner from straying; all it will do is make your life and the life of your partner a living hell.

 

I WORRY ABOUT MY HEALTH: Worry will not make you healthier or fitter. On the contrary, enough worry will give you headaches, migraines, stress, ulcers, hypertension and ill health.

Go to any doctor’s consulting room and you will find that 75% of the patients in the waiting room suffer with some form of stress related illness. Worry does not contribute in any way to good health or longevity. If you feel worried about anything when it comes to health matters then go and see a good doctor.

Avoid self-diagnoses at all cost and listen to his or her advice. You can put yourself and everybody that have something to do with you through hell if you become over sensitised on your body. I am not even going to attempt to give you health tips in this document, but want you to accept that the habit or worry will not contribute in any shape or form to your overall health status.

 

I can continue using examples like this forever. I know people that worry because they do not have something to worry about. The habit of worry always takes you into the future and is driven by fear of the unknown. Worry is a sure sign that indicates to you that you are no longer living your life in the moment. You allowed your ego to hijack your ability to think and act in the now. It forces you to live in the future.

I am sure that you have experienced many nightmares during your lifetime. Can you still remember how you were tormented in these dreams? How you tried to run and hide without much success. When you allow worry to cast your mind into the future you are also unable to do anything about the horror scripts that you wrote and play in these mentally projected dramas.

Only when you wake up and return to the now and your heart stops pounding with fear can you take control of your worry. You become totally inefficient when you leave the “now” level and attempt to operate in the past or future. When you discover the power of the now your life takes on a powerful new dimension. Fear flees in front of a person that is well grounded in the moment.

When you become a person that can tune out the future and the past and remain focused in the moment you become powerful and worry-proof. When you understand that worry and guilt are the two most useless emotions ever invented you raise your game of life to levels that you never thought possible. Once you understand the utter futility of future living you can live, love and perform powerful deeds in the now. Most of us have no clue what is going to happen even thirty seconds from now. All we have to work with is our own warped forecasts.

Live today as if it is your last day on the planet and you will come alive and wake up from your nightmare lifestyle. The day that you loose your fear of dying you wake up to life. The day that you stop worrying what other people think of you, you come alive and experience purity. The day that you unconditionally accepts what that day may present you with you cross the bridge of courage and endurance. You can remove all the horror images that your ego has created when you decide to LIVE IN THE NOW. You are the creator of your world and can decide who and what may live or die in your creation.

Rene

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Posted by on March 17, 2015 in WISDOM

 

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Just look around you today and notice that there are meters running all the time.

There is one element that decides how long you will live, how you dress, what you drive, where you stay, what you eat, who you marry and where your children go to school. This element is money. Look at the layers in society. You have the affluent at the top of the pyramid and the struggling bottom feeders right at the bottom of the pyramid found in all societies. Many of us were born into a certain layer in society. Try as we may we fail to break out of the law of gravity that keeps us locked into our social layer. It is easy to say that everybody have an equal chance of reaching the top of this pyramid. That is a bullshit story. It is almost as ridicules as the myth told by many churches that God provides each person with the same opportunity to go the heaven. Look around you and you will see that there is no equality in society. The churches say that God works on a “one strike and you are out” principle. You have one life time that can end at any time and need to find Jesus in that time allocation or your will be toasted.

 

The element that decides your fate and future my friend is money. Most of the money in all societies is in the hands of those that reside close to the top of the pyramid of life. Those lower down in the middle class and the bottom feeders at the base of the pyramid is expected to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. The lower you enter the game of life on this pyramid the less you earn and the scarcer the opportunities that come your way. It is these layers in society that is at the root of most of our problems when it comes to crime. Most of those that have nothing, little education have a slim chance of success. They then select crime as their career. They discover that they can lay their hands on the “magic element money” with little effort by following a career as a criminal. They can “work” for twenty minutes and earn more than most of the slaves that man the middle class of society can earn in a month. They know that they are in a risky profession, but think that there are many other professions that also carry serious risks.

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The miner, policeman, fire fighter or farmer is exposed to potential adversity every day. The miner, policeman and fire fighter is confronted by occupational risks while the farmer in turn is often faced by those at the bottom of the pyramid. Crime statistics will not come down soon. Our hard working police cannot win this battle trying to get the criminals off the streets. There are millions that are ready to step into the shoes that got caught in the legal trap. Job creation and service delivery can force our crime rates down overnight.

 

Just look around you today and notice that there are meters running all the time that will stop the moment you fail to feed them with money. There are no lights, water, transport, fuel, food and shelter for those that lack the element of money. It is easy for those that fail to grasp the problem of access to money to judge and condemn those that live under a bridge or hide in a shack when the rain and rivers threaten their survival. It is easy to look down on those that beg for money on the streets when you have enough funds in your account to survive one more month. I want to tell you that most of us are less than three months away from jointing those that I described above if for any unforeseen reason we lose our job or health and cannot continue working.

 

Rene

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Posted by on March 16, 2015 in 21 AND OLDER, WISDOM

 

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The historic/Jewish people’s emergence/radically different from/story told.

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De-constructing the walls of Jericho

 

By Ze’ev Herzog

 

Following 70 years of intensive excavations in the Land of Israel, archaeologists have found out: The patriarchs’ acts are legendary, the Israelites did not sojourn in Egypt or make an exodus, they did not conquer the land. Neither is there any mention of the empire of David and Solomon, nor of the source of belief in the God of Israel. These facts have been known for years, but Israel is a stubborn people and nobody wants to hear about it.

This is what archaeologists have learned from their excavations in the Land of Israel: the Israelites were never in Egypt, did not wander in the desert, did not conquer the land in a military campaign and did not pass it on to the 12 tribes of Israel. Perhaps even harder to swallow is the fact that the united monarchy of David and Solomon, which is described by the Bible as a regional power, was at most a small tribal kingdom. And it will come as an unpleasant shock to many that the God of Israel, Jehovah, had a female consort and that the early Israelite religion adopted monotheism only in the waning period of the monarchy and not at Mount Sinai. Most of those who are engaged in scientific work in the interlocking spheres of the Bible, archaeology and the history of the Jewish people – and who once went into the field looking for proof to corroborate the Bible story – now agree that the historic events relating to the stages of the Jewish people’s emergence are radically different from what that story tells.

What follows is a short account of the brief history of archaeology, with the emphasis on the crises and the big bang, so to speak, of the past decade. The critical question of this archaeological revolution has not yet trickled down into public consciousness, but it cannot be ignored.

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Inventing the Bible stories

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More information? Follow the link below

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https://eagleman6788.wordpress.com/2012/07/05/inventing-the-bible-stories-following-70-years-of-intensive-excavations-in-the-land-of-israel-archaeologists-have-found-out-the-patriarchs-acts-are-legendary-the-israelites-did-not-sojourn-in-e-2/

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Posted by on March 15, 2015 in WISDOM

 

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We have been domesticated like a pet into believing that we are our history?

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couragewillpower

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You have free will and make an endless number of choices daily. You can choose to accept “what is” and manage “what is” to the best of our ability or you can choose to ignore “what is” and base your actions and reactions on illusions, nonsense and outdated perceptions. Illusions and false perceptions can make our days depressing and unproductive. We suffer and experience pain and rejection because we base most of our actions and reactions on data that is not valid or accurate. We became trapped in deadly repetitive daily cycles. Very few of us take the time to stop for a moment and ask ourselves why we are persisting with our self-sabotaging behaviour. We forget that we are acting on our stage of life to learn and experience. We are not the actor. We are and will remain a spiritual being even while we are “in character” on our stage. One of the biggest travesties done to us during our childhood was when they convince us that we are the actor on our stage. We are as I indicated earlier just a student at Earth School. Actors remove their make-up and go home when the show is over. Why have we been domesticated like a pet into believing that we are our history? This social control system warped our perception about our self-worth and stopped many of us to “move on” after we learned our lessons and experienced what we desired.

 Rene

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Actors remove their make-up and go home when the show is over. Why have we been domesticated like a pet to believe that we are our history? 

 Rene

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bird

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Posted by on March 12, 2015 in WISDOM

 

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Trust, it is the one thing that develops over time but takes a minute to destroy.

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Funk & Wagnalls Standard Desk Dictionary – definition of the word, trust as (trust) n. A confidence in the reliability of persons or things without careful investigation.

Trust is something that we strive for in our relationships with people and in certain things. Trust gives us a feeling of comfort and security when we express feelings and concerns about our situations. It starts out as a child; we know nothing other than to trust our parents or guardians to keep us happy, fed, cuddled and safe from the “BoogeyMan.”

While growing up, we never consider the thought of losing trust in our friends and family members as they are the ones’ who we have spent many hours of building fond memories; ones that will carry us into our adult years, giving us so much to share with our children.

Being trustworthy is a positive characteristic that should be worn as a badge of honor. It is good to know that you can be trusted. It is good to know that you can trust another.

We live our lives giving and accepting trustworthy advice from not only our friends and family but from other people such as our doctors, bankers, educators and even our repairmen hoping for the most honest opinion and correct information regarding our circumstances and well being.

It is also something that truly has to start from within; know that you can be a good friend or advice giver to someone who is in need. Give unconditionally, your time and effort without it being confused with naivety.

Speak less of what you may not know about. Be a good listener.

When you are involved in a situation that may be good, bad or indifferent, be aware of what you say and to whom you say it to. Your words can be misconstrued and turned into a realm of lies and deceit.

But when that level of trust is cut down by a person or state of affairs, we are then given a reason to lower our expectations, cause doubt, build walls and blur our vision of the things that really matter. It has been said that there is a reason for everything. And a few of the reasons that someone will do something to another is because of hidden resentment, false pride, fear, greed, selfishness and lack of confidence in that person, situation or themselves.

Give others the benefit of doubt.

Allow people to make mistakes and admit to them. It is the one who does not admit to their poor actions and who falsely accuse others of the things they know they have done, that need to be condemned. And for that they can not be trusted.

There is always more than one side to a story and out of the two there is definitely one that is the truth.

There are times that a person or situation may cause you to lose trust if so, before it destroys a good thing, hear what has to be said, listen with your heart and mind and if you are involved in any way, accept your position without conviction. Be accountable for your actions. Never deny your involvement. Say what you need to say. Getting things out in the open, will hopefully keep the right doors open for healthy relations with others. It is a matter of trust.

Have faith that all will be reconciled. Move on and if not, one thing is for sure, as we live our lives and deal with people and circumstances there are things that are going to happen that may cause us hardship and despair, work it out for the better or worse. It truly can or may not be as bad as it seems, if so try to accept that “Pobodys’ Nerfect” (Nobodys’ Perfect, even so) remember that as we continue to develop relationships with people, trust your personal thoughts, words and decisions. No one person has control over the responsibilities of another.

Trust, it is the one thing that develops over time but takes a minute to destroy.

Pay it forward.

By: Etea24

Article Directoryhttp://www.articledashboard.com

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Posted by on March 10, 2015 in WISDOM

 

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