When you look deeply into the nature of this thing called life and begin to understand what life is and the way the mind works, you will come to realize that in fact your happiness does not depend on any outside circumstances, events or people. This is the core realization. This is the heart of this understanding. When things begin to fall apart and you begin to see what’s really going on, you will discover that the happiness you seek is an internal event, an internal experience. And that this internal experience has nothing to do with all the things you were programmed to believe your happiness depended on! And this is why I say this is the good news… because it means you’re free! You are free! Your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone or anything… It’s up to you. And there is something you can do about it!
.
Barbara Berger
Read more about this amazing book at the link below!
When you look deeply into the nature of this thing called life and begin to understand what life is and the way the mind works, you will come to realize that in fact your happiness does not depend on any outside circumstances, events or people. This is the core realization. This is the heart of this understanding. When things begin to fall apart and you begin to see what’s really going on, you will discover that the happiness you seek is an internal event, an internal experience. And that this internal experience has nothing to do with all the things you were programmed to believe your happiness depended on! And this is why I say this is the good news… because it means you’re free! You are free! Your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone or anything… It’s up to you. And there is something you can do about it!
.
Barbara Berger
Read more about this amazing book at the link below!
Are you suffering because of setback and a range of problems? You must remember that happiness and success is always just one thought away. You should remember when you find it difficult to cope with something that one new thought could change your life. One fresh thought and one new idea can change your life from pain and suffering to success and peace of mind. Your thoughts create your future. You can create a brand new future one moment from now if you focus on something happy, productive and happy and then act on it as if it’s outcome cannot be disputed.
When you look deeply into the nature of this thing called life and begin to understand what life is and the way the mind works, you will come to realize that in fact your happiness does not depend on any outside circumstances, events or people. This is the core realization. This is the heart of this understanding. When things begin to fall apart and then you begin to see what’s really going on, you will discover that the happiness you seek is an internal event, an internal experience. And that this internal experience has nothing to do with all the things you were programmed to believe your happiness depended on! And this is why I say this is the good news… because it means you’re free! You are free! Your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone or anything… It’s up to you. And there is something you can do about it!
DO YOU HAVE A “WAIT” PROBLEM? – A WAIT PROBLEM IS REALLY A DISCONNECT BETWEEN WHAT IS TRULY POSSIBLE AND WHAT YOU WILL LET YOURSELF RECEIVE!
.
WHEN WILL YOU MOVE FORWARD? Do you feel that you are sitting in the “waiting room” of life, waiting for happiness, love, the green light, better times or a bridge to appear? Can it be that you are waiting for courage, permission, your turn, zero risk, the right moment or a sign or guarantee?
Sometimes waiting is a cover for fear, self-doubt, unworthiness and not taking responsibility. This habit of waiting is a common block to happiness, love and success. There is no rational reason to wait, happiness, success and love is waiting for you. They await your choice, your acceptance and a sign from you. For as long as you wait, you cannot see what is already possible if you get up and pursue you selected objectives.
When you wait for things to happen you are giving up all control. You hope and dream things will by accident fall into you lap or come your way. When you wait you disconnect between what is truly possible and what you will let yourself receive. When you wait you are like a person that put his or her life on hold. The world is waiting for you muster up enough courage to become active and do something about your objective, goals and dreams. Most of us are impatient and hates to wait for in queues or waiting rooms. Why are we then so inclined to put our lives on hold when it comes to the most important things in our lives?
RELATIONSHIPS: Relationships suffer because people wait for things to improve and get almost perfect before they make a commitment. What people fail to understand is that relationships are always under construction. There is always work in progress.
If you are going to wait until your “relationship” is perfect and pristine you will wait forever. Have you ever thought how your indecisiveness is possibly the major reason why you are not really making progress? You must actually get into the water before you will get wet. You can stare at the water all day long, but only when you jump in will you be able to really find out what it is really like.
While you are sitting on the fence no progress will be made either. How can you ever enjoy your relationship if you continue to sit in your protective little castle, waiting for your potential lover to break down your heavily reinforced walls? When you do this you are not really in the game; you are not a member of the club. All you are is a critical spectator. You need to dive in and get wet or accept the crumbs that life throw at you from time to time.
LONELY? People are lonely because they wait for love instead of being loving. They wait for friendship instead of being a friend. If you are not happy with your social life then you will have to look how “available” you are to individuals that might be interested to enjoy your company? If you are hiding in your flat or home with the curtains drawn you will continue to be lonely for the rest of your life. If you have built invisible walls around yourself you should not be too surprised when people pass you by.
If you have a nasty personality that repels people you will remain isolated and lonely. When you make it difficult for people to be with you, you will gather cobwebs in your self-imposed exile. You are a walking and talking advertisement who you are and what you stand for. You can instantly repel potential interest without even saying a word with a bad attitude or if you go around with a chip on your shoulder.
WORK? You have a lack of team spirit because everybody is waiting for the team spirit to get better. Nothing will change until the team member stop waiting for the team spirit to get better and do something about it. Nothing will get better or improve while the various staff member sit in their boxes and wait for others to make the first move.
PREMATURE AGEING? People age prematurely because they postpone their happiness. They promise that they will have fun after work, after chores, after the bills are paid, after retirement and after the grandkids are settled. Life passes you by when you are constantly in a standby or waiting mode. If you think that you will one day begin to live and enjoy life when everything is perfect or taken care of you are in for a nasty surprise.
They might one day write on your tombstone “Here lays the word’s biggest spectator, born 1952 – died 1990 and buried in 2018
.
SILLY CONFLICTS? Silly conflicts last forever because both parties wait to get what they will not give. Each party waits for the other to make the first move. Many relationships flushed down the toilet because one or both parties waited that the other would admit his or her mistake, faults, shortcomings and endless love. Waiting in relationships cause serious confusion and results in bitter conflicts. As indicated above you either dive in and get wet or quit. You cannot wait and hope that your partner will entertain and love you if you are nothing more than a spectator.
Willingness inspires readiness. With readiness all things are possible. Be ready and allow yourself to receive. Be ready and let yourself be guided, be helped, be inspired and be loved. You must become willing to get involved in the game of life or it will pass you by like a thief in the night. You need to get involved and become a player and not a spectator.
People are not out there to entertain you. They will not break down the door of your castle and beg you to come out and play. You might feel safe behind your walls and enjoy the infrequent attempts to lure you out of your hiding place, but will discover that the interested parties usually loose interest and go to the unguarded house.
You can sit in the waiting room of life forever or you can become an active player. Look around you and notice the other people in this waiting room. Their hair is grey and their skins look like a deflated rugby ball. Some of them have been waiting for more than eighty years for love, respect, friendship and fun to come their way. What they failed to realise all these years is that life is not a waiting game, but a game where you need to play your heart out if you want to taste the good things in life.
Are you suffering because of setback and a range of problems? You must remember that happiness and success is always just one thought away. You should remember when you find it difficult to cope with something that one new thought could change your life. One fresh thought and one new idea can change your life from pain and suffering to success and peace of mind. Your thoughts create your future. You can create a brand new future one moment from now if you focus on something happy, productive and happy and then act on it as if it’s outcome cannot be disputed.
DO YOU HAVE A “WAIT” PROBLEM? – A WAIT PROBLEM IS REALLY A DISCONNECT BETWEEN WHAT IS TRULY POSSIBLE AND WHAT YOU WILL LET YOURSELF RECEIVE!
.
WHEN WILL YOU MOVE FORWARD? Do you feel that you are sitting in the “waiting room” of life, waiting for happiness, love, the green light, better times or a bridge to appear? Can it be that you are waiting for courage, permission, your turn, zero risk, the right moment or a sign or guarantee?
Sometimes waiting is a cover for fear, self-doubt, unworthiness and not taking responsibility. This habit of waiting is a common block to happiness, love and success. There is no rational reason to wait, happiness, success and love is waiting for you. They await your choice, your acceptance and a sign from you. For as long as you wait, you cannot see what is already possible if you get up and pursue you selected objectives.
When you wait for things to happen you are giving up all control. You hope and dream things will by accident fall into you lap or come your way. When you wait you disconnect between what is truly possible and what you will let yourself receive. When you wait you are like a person that put his or her life on hold. The world is waiting for you muster up enough courage to become active and do something about your objective, goals and dreams. Most of us are impatient and hates to wait for in queues or waiting rooms. Why are we then so inclined to put our lives on hold when it comes to the most important things in our lives?
RELATIONSHIPS: Relationships suffer because people wait for things to improve and get almost perfect before they make a commitment. What people fail to understand is that relationships are always under construction. There is always work in progress.
If you are going to wait until your “relationship” is perfect and pristine you will wait forever. Have you ever thought how your indecisiveness is possibly the major reason why you are not really making progress? You must actually get into the water before you will get wet. You can stare at the water all day long, but only when you jump in will you be able to really find out what it is really like.
While you are sitting on the fence no progress will be made either. How can you ever enjoy your relationship if you continue to sit in your protective little castle, waiting for your potential lover to break down your heavily reinforced walls? When you do this you are not really in the game; you are not a member of the club. All you are is a critical spectator. You need to dive in and get wet or accept the crumbs that life throw at you from time to time.
LONELY? People are lonely because they wait for love instead of being loving. They wait for friendship instead of being a friend. If you are not happy with your social life then you will have to look how “available” you are to individuals that might be interested to enjoy your company? If you are hiding in your flat or home with the curtains drawn you will continue to be lonely for the rest of your life. If you have built invisible walls around yourself you should not be too surprised when people pass you by.
If you have a nasty personality that repels people you will remain isolated and lonely. When you make it difficult for people to be with you, you will gather cobwebs in your self-imposed exile. You are a walking and talking advertisement who you are and what you stand for. You can instantly repel potential interest without even saying a word with a bad attitude or if you go around with a chip on your shoulder.
WORK? You have a lack of team spirit because everybody is waiting for the team spirit to get better. Nothing will change until the team member stop waiting for the team spirit to get better and do something about it. Nothing will get better or improve while the various staff member sit in their boxes and wait for others to make the first move.
PREMATURE AGEING? People age prematurely because they postpone their happiness. They promise that they will have fun after work, after chores, after the bills are paid, after retirement and after the grandkids are settled. Life passes you by when you are constantly in a standby or waiting mode. If you think that you will one day begin to live and enjoy life when everything is perfect or taken care of you are in for a nasty surprise.
They might one day write on your tombstone “Here lays the word’s biggest spectator, born 1952 – died 1990 and buried in 2018
.
SILLY CONFLICTS? Silly conflicts last forever because both parties wait to get what they will not give. Each party waits for the other to make the first move. Many relationships flushed down the toilet because one or both parties waited that the other would admit his or her mistake, faults, shortcomings and endless love. Waiting in relationships cause serious confusion and results in bitter conflicts. As indicated above you either dive in and get wet or quit. You cannot wait and hope that your partner will entertain and love you if you are nothing more than a spectator.
Willingness inspires readiness. With readiness all things are possible. Be ready and allow yourself to receive. Be ready and let yourself be guided, be helped, be inspired and be loved. You must become willing to get involved in the game of life or it will pass you by like a thief in the night. You need to get involved and become a player and not a spectator.
People are not out there to entertain you. They will not break down the door of your castle and beg you to come out and play. You might feel safe behind your walls and enjoy the infrequent attempts to lure you out of your hiding place, but will discover that the interested parties usually loose interest and go to the unguarded house.
You can sit in the waiting room of life forever or you can become an active player. Look around you and notice the other people in this waiting room. Their hair is grey and their skins look like a deflated rugby ball. Some of them have been waiting for more than eighty years for love, respect, friendship and fun to come their way. What they failed to realise all these years is that life is not a waiting game, but a game where you need to play your heart out if you want to taste the good things in life.
We tend to postpone our happiness because we have been conditioned that we can only be happy when we achieve a specific objective. The unpredictability of the times that we are living in make life a very painful experience for individuals with this frame of mind.
I once asked a young man in his mid twenties what would really make him happy? He responded and said, “I would love to retire and live in a small cottage close to the sea.” It was difficult for me to comprehend the long postponement of this young man’s happiness and then asked him, “What will make you really happy in your work?” He stared through the window for a while and then said, “I will only be really happy when I become managing director of the company that I work for.” You might think that this young man showed a lot of ambition, but I diagnosed him as a chronically unhappy boy.
It is good to have long-term goals, but it is better to learn to enjoy each step of your journey. Only when you learn to enjoy the current moment will you achieve real contentment.
Happiness is not something that you need to strive for or that must be handed to you by someone else. Happiness is something that must be allowed to escape from your heart. Happiness is the ability to experience happiness notwithstanding what happened in the past or what might happen at some future date.
If you knew that you have only one month to live, will you be able to enjoy every last second before your date with fate? If you are a person that is truly happy you will make the absolute best of the final hours of your life. You will give and receive love unconditionally. You will not waste time to accuse others of past mistakes that they made. What you will do is to live life to its fullest. Why then do we need to know that we will die soon before we actually live the final hours of our lives? Live each day as if it is your last on this planet and see what difference it will make. Stop looking for happiness from some outside source. Happiness is already in your heart; all you need to do is to release it.
The fear that something might be wrong with you is causing you to search for happiness in all the wrong places. Your beliefs that something or someone else will make you happy move your attention away from “here” to a place or destination away from yourself. It activates the perception that the “now” (current situation) is not the place where you will find happiness and that you can only expect happiness at some future time at a different destination or location.
Most of us are always busy pondering our “next step” and forget to appreciate what we already have. People search, struggle and strive, but never really arrive at their desired destination because they cannot get past the feeling that something is missing. I have met so many people that find it impossible to enjoy the present moment, the present company or their present partner because they feel that there is always still something missing.
The reason for this is because most people think that happiness must arrive from a source outside them. This perception is at the root of feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness. Most people are waiting for their friends, partners, children or employer to make them happy. This self-enforced feeling that something is missing and that happiness will mystically appear do not only put themselves under constant pressure, but also cause a lot of discomfort to the other players in his or her game of life.
I am convinced that you have met many individuals that are constantly unhappy. Such people also tell endless stories how people have let them down or how they have been taken advantage of. In short these people love to play the role of a victim and enjoy the moments of attention that it provokes in their listener. The problem with people with this disposition is that they are unable to see the whole picture. They look at things selectively and only see the things that will confirm and support their negative point of view.
When a happy person looks at a wonderful sunset he or she will allow themselves to be swept away by the kaleidoscope of colours and shadows. They might even experience a moment of deep respect for the creator. The habitually unhappy person will also look at the sunset, but will not even see the amazing play of colours. He or she might still be upset because his or her partner arrived late for their appointment.
I often tell people that you must not only listen to music, but feel the music as well. When you become a person that live your life in the now you usually become optimistic and appreciative. Unhappy people live in the past or the future. They usually drag trainloads of bad experiences with them. They find it impossible to let go of past failures and setbacks. They also cannot stop worrying what might happen in the future. While you are still busy congratulating them with their new job they will already speculate about things that could possibly go wrong at some future date. I am sure that you might think that this type of person should be classified as a perpetual pessimist, but I see people like this everyday. In fact I do not know a lot of people that I would classify as happy. When you take a careful look at all the things we do and strive for you will discover that our yearning to be happy is behind most of our actions and decisions.
The Utopia Trap is the belief that you must create better conditions in society before you can be free
It’s a very basic, very understandable belief. It’s easy to see that other people are arranging things incorrectly — passing the wrong laws, misinterpreting things, even maliciously arranging things to the detriment of others. You can see poverty, repression, prejudice, and other conditions that stifle creativity and happiness.
It’s easy to feel that society needs an overhaul (major or minor) before you’ll be able to live freely. As a result, you can devote a great deal of effort to attempts to make others understand what you see, to the passing of laws, to a quest for a better society.
While you’re doing this, you obviously give up a great deal of time and other resources that could have been used to enjoy life. But it’s assumed that once the proper overhaul of society is completed, you’ll be able to live more freely.
There are two basic reasons why I don’t get involved in the quest to change society: (1) because it’s an indirect alternative, it’s a much harder, more permanent job than most people realize; and (2) it isn’t necessary. An individual doesn’t need to live in a free society in order to free himself — and when he tries to change the world, he’s in for a lot more trouble than he may have bargained for.
We tend to postpone our happiness because we have been conditioned that we can only be happy when we achieve a specific objective. The unpredictability of the times that we are living in make life a very painful experience for individuals with this frame of mind.
I once asked a young man in his mid twenties what would really make him happy? He responded and said, “I would love to retire and live in a small cottage close to the sea.” It was difficult for me to comprehend the long postponement of this young man’s happiness and then asked him, “What will make you really happy in your work?” He stared through the window for a while and then said, “I will only be really happy when I become managing director of the company that I work for.” You might think that this young man showed a lot of ambition, but I diagnosed him as a chronically unhappy boy.
It is good to have long-term goals, but it is better to learn to enjoy each step of your journey. Only when you learn to enjoy the current moment will you achieve real contentment.
Happiness is not something that you need to strive for or that must be handed to you by someone else. Happiness is something that must be allowed to escape from your heart. Happiness is the ability to experience happiness notwithstanding what happened in the past or what might happen at some future date.
If you knew that you have only one month to live, will you be able to enjoy every last second before your date with fate? If you are a person that is truly happy you will make the absolute best of the final hours of your life. You will give and receive love unconditionally. You will not waste time to accuse others of past mistakes that they made. What you will do is to live life to its fullest. Why then do we need to know that we will die soon before we actually live the final hours of our lives? Live each day as if it is your last on this planet and see what difference it will make. Stop looking for happiness from some outside source. Happiness is already in your heart; all you need to do is to release it.
The fear that something might be wrong with you is causing you to search for happiness in all the wrong places. Your beliefs that something or someone else will make you happy move your attention away from “here” to a place or destination away from yourself. It activates the perception that the “now” (current situation) is not the place where you will find happiness and that you can only expect happiness at some future time at a different destination or location.
Most of us are always busy pondering our “next step” and forget to appreciate what we already have. People search, struggle and strive, but never really arrive at their desired destination because they cannot get past the feeling that something is missing. I have met so many people that find it impossible to enjoy the present moment, the present company or their present partner because they feel that there is always still something missing.
The reason for this is because most people think that happiness must arrive from a source outside them. This perception is at the root of feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness. Most people are waiting for their friends, partners, children or employer to make them happy. This self-enforced feeling that something is missing and that happiness will mystically appear do not only put themselves under constant pressure, but also cause a lot of discomfort to the other players in his or her game of life.
I am convinced that you have met many individuals that are constantly unhappy. Such people also tell endless stories how people have let them down or how they have been taken advantage of. In short these people love to play the role of a victim and enjoy the moments of attention that it provokes in their listener. The problem with people with this disposition is that they are unable to see the whole picture. They look at things selectively and only see the things that will confirm and support their negative point of view.
When a happy person looks at a wonderful sunset he or she will allow themselves to be swept away by the kaleidoscope of colours and shadows. They might even experience a moment of deep respect for the creator. The habitually unhappy person will also look at the sunset, but will not even see the amazing play of colours. He or she might still be upset because his or her partner arrived late for their appointment.
I often tell people that you must not only listen to music, but feel the music as well. When you become a person that live your life in the now you usually become optimistic and appreciative. Unhappy people live in the past or the future. They usually drag trainloads of bad experiences with them. They find it impossible to let go of past failures and setbacks. They also cannot stop worrying what might happen in the future. While you are still busy congratulating them with their new job they will already speculate about things that could possibly go wrong at some future date. I am sure that you might think that this type of person should be classified as a perpetual pessimist, but I see people like this everyday. In fact I do not know a lot of people that I would classify as happy. When you take a careful look at all the things we do and strive for you will discover that our yearning to be happy is behind most of our actions and decisions.
When you look deeply into the nature of this thing called life and begin to understand what life is and the way the mind works, you will come to realize that in fact your happiness does not depend on any outside circumstances, events or people. This is the core realization. This is the heart of this understanding. When things begin to fall apart and then you begin to see what’s really going on, you will discover that the happiness you seek is an internal event, an internal experience. And that this internal experience has nothing to do with all the things you were programmed to believe your happiness depended on! And this is why I say this is the good news… because it means you’re free! You are free! Your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone or anything… It’s up to you. And there is something you can do about it!
Happiness is more than just a feeling; it is something we can all practise on a daily basis. But people are better at some happy habits than others. In fact, the one habit that corresponds most closely with us being satisfied with our lives overall — self-acceptance — is often the one we practise least.
5,000 people surveyed rated themselves between 1 and 10 on ten habits identified from the latest scientific research as being key to happiness.
Giving was the top habit revealed by those who took the survey. When asked about Giving (How often do you make an effort to help or be kind to others?) people scored an average of 7.41 out of 10, with one in six (17%) topping 10 out of 10. Just over one in three (36%) people scored 8 or 9; slightly fewer (32%) scored 6 or 7; and less than one in six (15%) rated themselves at 5 or less.
The Relating habit came a close second. The question How often do you put effort into the relationships that matter most to you? produced an average score of 7.36 out of 10. And 15% of people scored the maximum 10 out of 10.
The survey also revealed which habits are most closely related to people’s overall satisfaction with life. All 10 habits were found to be strongly linked to life satisfaction, with Acceptance found to be the habit that predicts it most strongly. Yet Acceptance was also revealed as the habit that people tend to practise the least, generating the lowest average score from the 5,000 respondents.
When answering the Acceptance question, How often are you kind to yourself and think you’re fine as you are? people’s average rating was just 5.56 out of 10. Only 5% of people put themselves at a 10 on the Acceptance habit. Around one in five people (19%) scored an 8 or 9; Less than a third (30%) scored a 6 or 7; and almost half (46%) of people rated themselves at 5 or less.
Treating our bodies to regular physical activity is another proven happy habit. Yet the survey revealed that this is another habit that often gets overlooked. The average answer to How often do you spend at least half an hour a day being active? was just 5.88 out of 10, with 45% of people rating themselves 5 or less.
Professor Karen Pine, a psychologist from the University of Hertfordshire and co-founder of Do Something Different, said: “Practising these habits really can boost our happiness. It’s great to see so many people regularly doing things to help others — and when we make others happy we tend to feel good ourselves too. This survey shows that practising self-acceptance is one thing that could make the biggest difference to many people’s happiness. Exercise is also known to lift mood so if people want a simple, daily way to fee happier they should get into the habit of being more physically active too.”
Dr Mark Williamson, Director of Action for Happiness, said: “Our society puts huge pressure on us to be successful and to constantly compare ourselves with others. This causes a great deal of unhappiness and anxiety. These findings remind us that if we can learn to be more accepting of ourselves as we really are, we’re likely to be much happier. The results also confirm us that our day-to-day habits have a much bigger impact on our happiness than we might imagine.”
To support participants who want to boost their happy habits, Do Something Different and Action for Happiness have also created a new Do Happiness programme, which sends people regular small positive actions (Do’s) to help them practice the habits that science shows tend to make people happy. How can we practise the self-acceptance habit?
Here are three positive actions that people can take to increase their levels of self-acceptance:
Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. See your mistakes as opportunities to learn. Notice things you do well, however small
Ask a trusted friend or colleague to tell you what your strengths are or what they value about you
Spend some quiet time by yourself. Tune in to how you’re feeling inside and try to be at peace with who you are.
Where did the happy habits come from?
The happy habits included in the survey are based on the Ten Keys to Happier Living framework, developed by Action for Happiness based on an extensive review of the latest research about what really affects mental wellbeing. Together the Ten Keys spell the acronym GREAT DREAM, as follows:
Giving: do things for others
Relating: connect with people
Exercising: take care of your body
Appreciating: notice the world around
Trying out: keep learning new things
Direction: have goals to look forward to
Resilience: find ways to bounce back
Emotion: take a positive approach
Acceptance: be comfortable with who you are
Meaning: be part of something bigger
Key Survey Question Average score
Giving How often do you make an effort to help or be kind to others? 7.41 Relating How often do you put effort into the relationships that matter most to you? 7.36 Exercising How often do you spend at least half an hour a day being active? 5.88 Appreciating How often do you take time to notice the good things in your life? 6.57 Trying out How often do you learn or try new things? 6.26 Direction How often do you do things that contribute to your most important life goals? 6.08 Resilience How often do you find ways to bounce back quickly from problems? 6.33 Emotion How often do you do things that make you feel good? 6.74 Acceptance How often are you kind to yourself and think you’re fine as you are? 5.56 Meaning How often do you do things that give you a sense of meaning or purpose? 6.38
A final question posed was: Overall, how satisfied are you with your life nowadays?
The average score was 6.49, compared to a national average of 6.34 reported in the UK National Values survey 2013.
When you look deeply into the nature of this thing called life and begin to understand what life is and the way the mind works, you will come to realize that in fact your happiness does not depend on any outside circumstances, events or people. This is the core realization. This is the heart of this understanding. When things begin to fall apart and then you begin to see what’s really going on, you will discover that the happiness you seek is an internal event, an internal experience. And that this internal experience has nothing to do with all the things you were programmed to believe your happiness depended on! And this is why I say this is the good news… because it means you’re free! You are free! Your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone or anything… It’s up to you. And there is something you can do about it!
Happiness and success is always just one thought away. You should remember this when you find it difficult to cope that one thought could change your life. One fresh thought or one new idea can change your life from pain and suffering to success and peace of mind. You are what you think. Your choices that you make on a moment-to-moment basis decide your fate and future. You can never feel or perform better than the ongoing thoughts that you allow to occupy your mind. Your thoughts bring out certain feelings in you. It is the feelings that we experience that create our future successes or failures. It is silly to go around with a negative attitude and still expect positive outcomes to come into your life. The future birthing mechanism in you is your feelings and imagination. Sad or destructive feelings draw in events and people that confront you with more of the same. Our feelings are the alarm system that warns us that we need to change our actions and activities to into more productive thought patterns. We must set new fresh goals and take action to modify our destructive mindsets. The enemy is fear my friend. We are so obsessed about what might happen that we stop creating. New projects, friends or challenges tend to bring out the best in us. It produce fresh energy into your system. The stagnation in the down periods in our lives are caused by a lack of constructive and decisive action.
Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.
William Shakespeare
7 Factors That Influence the Quality and Life-Span of Romantic Relationships and Marriage
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When most adults embark upon a new romantic relationship, they do so with the best intentions in mind. Yet most romantic relationships usually fail within the first three months, others break down within the first year and some that last longer and even lead to marriage create more pain than happiness. People often wonder why. Things looked so good at first! “It was love at first sight”, “we had such great chemistry in the beginning”, “we had so much fun the night we met”, they frequently will say.
Truly, it does seem like a great mystery why some relationships succeed and thrive while other relationships fail miserably or become such a great source of strife and sorrow. Relationships are dynamic, they tend to take on a life of their own and it’s really hard to pinpoint what went right or wrong after some months or years. There are some factors, though, which play a significant role in the quality and life-span of relationships, factors that influence our relationships in often invisible and unnoticeable ways, sometimes nurturing them, sometimes undermining them. What are these factors?
Self-esteem. I cannot stress enough the importance of entering a relationship with relatively healthy self-esteem. What is healthy self-esteem? Self-esteem must not be confused with self-confidence which is based on our more external characteristics or abilities. Healthy self-esteem is the sense that we are acceptable, likable, lovable and worthy as individuals. Unhealthy self-esteem distorts our perception, narrows our choices, constricts our behavior, lowers our standards, causes us to make compromises we don’t have to make, makes us “impossible” as partners with our extreme neediness and insecurity, and invites what we are most afraid of. If you feel that you do not have healthy self-esteem and if you recognize that this has often led you to wrong choices or kept you in unhealthy relationships, then invest in yourself and consider having some therapy to address your issues whatever they may be before entering a new relationship. It’s an investment in your self and your future happinessyou will never regret.
Self-knowledge. We all have a sense of “who we are”, but it would be very helpful if we sat down and thought about “who we are” as if we had been asked by someone to give a thorough description of ourselves: our positive/negative traits, our abilities, our needs and desires, our preferences and dislikes, our values, our goals, ourdreams, our world-view. Knowing who you are automatically helps you see who you are a good match to and who is a good match for you, which leads us to our next factor:
Compatibility. It’s an obvious fact that not all people are alike. There is not only one type of a healthy personality, but many different types and many personality styles and not all are compatible between them. For example, an order-loving, cleanliness freak, a person whose life is constructed upon a lot of cultural “shoulds” and “musts” will have a very hard time getting along with a sloppy, chaotic and freedom-loving, non-conformist artist, even though the initial attraction and chemistry may be immense precisely because of these differences.
A lot of other variables may affect compatibility: social status or background, religious/cultural background, differences in educational level, values, a big age difference, past experiences, life-goals, etc. Family background also plays a very significant role: a person who comes from a broken family, for example, may not trust relationships, may not invest emotionally in relationships as much as a person coming from a family which stuck it out together to the end, may not have internalized the meaning of the institution of marriage in quite the same way as a person coming from a familywhere “marriage is forever”.
Timing.Frequently, a relationship fails because of poor timing. One partner is too involved with his/her studies, business, career for a certain period of his/her life and cannot or does not want to invest time and energy into a relationship, even though he/she may like a person very much. If that is the case, and you soon realize that this condition is not going to change for a while, instead of doing what people usually do – nagging, blaming, clinging, etc – let go and move on. That’s where good self-esteem comes in (I can find someone else) that’s where self-knowledge comes in (I know my needs, desires and preferences) and that’s where compatibility comes in (we have different needs but we are both OK).
True Attraction. Many times people go into a relationship not because they have met someone really special they want to be with, but because they feel lonely, or have been alone for some time and think that they “have” to have a relationship to seem normal and be socially accepted. I’m not suggesting that you stay alone, drowning in loneliness, frustration and isolation while waiting for the Ideal Person to come along! What I am suggesting, though, is that if you just rush into a relationship ignoring some red flags hoping they will go away, they won’t and pretty soon you will again find yourself out of a relationship!
Sexual Satisfaction. Another factor that often gets overlooked (except when it comes up in the therapist’s office) is sexual compatibility and satisfaction, and this is an area in which women especially shortchange themselves, many times out of a silly tendency to protect the male ego. Sexual satisfaction is the glue that holds a relationship together, and its lack is a deadly virus that breaks out into all sorts of ugly symptoms (chronic resentment, temper tantrums, passive-aggressive behaviors like constant nagging about irrelevant issues, infidelity, etc).
If you are at the beginning of a relationship and his/her sexual characteristics, body language, sexual/sensual expression are not as you would like them to be, do both of you a favor, end the relationship and move on. If from the start you don’t naturally and spontaneously hit it off, you never will – proof of this are all the sex manuals in circulation trying to cure the problem after the fact. There are perfect, multiple sexual matches for all of us out there and we do not have to compromise, or lie to ourselves or our partner.
Adequate healing time between relationships. Before planting the seed of a new love, we must take some time to weed our soil, purify our hearts from memories of past hurts, fears and sorrows by forgiving the past, blessing it for the wisdom it has offered us, and letting it go. Many people make the mistake of thinking that the only way to cure a broken heart is to fall in love with someone else immediately or, at any rate, find a substitute for the missing partner right away. Rebound relationships never work, because it takes some time for a jilted or abandoned partner to regain their inner balance, to mend the little holes and tears in their self-esteem and enter a new relationship with a clear and unburdened heart. Usually, the rebound relationship is still about “the ex” much more than it is about the new person we have met.
Ideally, romantic relationships are unions between two individuals’ hearts, bodies, souls, spirits and minds. I believe that knowing the factors that may affect them in various degrees helps us understand our past mistakes and prevents us from repeating them over and over again by helping us gain more clarity and insight into the complexity of relationships that often evades our perception.
I don’t really care that much whether people listen to me. I used to think, once upon a time as a young lad, that I’d make a name for myself, do something grand and impressive, change the world and all that stuff. I don’t care about that anymore.
Now, I’d rather not be famous. The more I’ve learned, the more I’ve come to lean toward the conclusion that the best thing in the world is for the world to leave you alone.
There is ultimately nothing to accomplish in life. You don’t need to be rich or well-liked or of prestigious social standing. You don’t need much of anything to be happy. You just need to focus on being happy, because you can only do one thing at a time in life.
If you try to do more than that, nothing gets done because your intentions conflict with each other, one hand pushes against the other. You must choose. Career or family, money or love, success or happiness… you cannot have it all. You can really only have one thing in life, and you’d better choose carefully.
You can choose money, spend all your days in gradually expanding offices and finally die of a heart attack in a board meeting while your gold-plated Ferrari sits quietly in the garage of your fifty-room mansion in the most exclusive neighborhood in the state.
You can choose family, be buried in a 2-for-1 bargain plot with your children weeping over your headstone and be as forgotten as a dead squirrel in the forest in a matter of generations.
You can choose anything you want in life and probably get it, but you can only completely achieve one thing. If you split your priorities, you will achieve split results as well. You can have a little bit of money, a little bit of prestige, a little bit of family and a little bit of everything else, but none of them will be complete for you.
If you want 100% success with anything, that thing must comprise 100% of your priorities. Each goal you set for yourself takes away from all your other goals, because circumstances will always force you to further one at the expense of another and to choose between them every day.
My advice to you is to focus on happiness, on enjoying life. You probably don’t want to hear this, but this means you will not have money or status or anything else. Conversely, focusing on money, status or anything else means you will not achieve happiness. Happiness is not success. Happiness is the opposite of conventional success.
It’s not having things, it’s ceasing to want things. When you stop caring about everything that could be and focus completely on enjoying what is, you are happy.
You are unhappy when you think your life isn’t the way it should be, that you need to change X and Y and then your life can really begin. It doesn’t work like that, though. This is your life, RIGHT NOW, THIS IS IT! Are you happy?
That’s the truth right there, but I don’t suspect that many readers want the truth. I’ve noticed that the more truthfully I write, the less people like it, and the more I write what people want to hear, the more they like it.
That’s why you can’t build a business on the truth. The truth is that the price of happiness is everything else, but in the commercial version the price of happiness is whatever you can comfortably afford. Three easy installments of $39.95, ten minutes a day of meditation exercises, a few months of approaching girls in the street. Something like that. Something that doesn’t require you to give up any of the things you really want.
Because people mostly do not want happiness. They want something else, something like money or success or status or respect, a beautiful wife or a wikipedia entry that says they were important. They want other people to think they are happy more than they really want to be happy.
When you want to be happy even if it means that everyone you’ve ever loved and everyone you’re ever going to meet will think you’re a pathetic loser, that’s when you’re ready to be happy. Not before.
Being happy is the simplest thing in the world. Just do something that completely occupies your attention.
This is why people do extreme sports – the danger requires their complete attention so there is room for nothing else in their brain, and their internal monologue about everything that they think is wrong in their life quiets down.
You don’t need to risk death, though. Watch a really good TV show or play a video game, something that really draws you in. Once you get better at giving your complete attention to the immediate present moment, you can do anything. Cook dinner, go for a walk in the park, sit still and do nothing. As long as you can stay out of your head and out of the range of that internal voice that nags about changes it wants made, you’ll stay happy.
Happiness is your natural default state. Do you think lions lying in the sun berate themselves over what an ex-girlfriend said about them on Facebook?
That’s the secret to happiness right there. It doesn’t seem that impressive since I didn’t stretch it out to 180 pages with exciting Sanskrit words and made-up spiritual-sounding terms thrown in and charge 29 bucks for it. But it is the truth.
I’ve said what I wanted to say on this blog and I could probably have said it a lot quicker. What does the future hold for me? I might just go and do something completely normal and boring. I think I might be done with this teaching thing. I’ve gotten so used to writing that I wonder if I can quit. Maybe I’ll post something occasionally just for fun. I’ve still got something planned that I didn’t have time to do yet that isn’t exactly writing but it’s sort of related to the topics of this blog. Aside from that, I guess we’ll see about the future when we get there.
No one can know the future, and don’t ever let anyone convince you they can. Those people on TV and on the internet trying to tell you what “will happen” in the next ten or twenty years are full of shit. All of them. Especially the experts.
Thinking that a stock market expert can go on TV and say something about the future of the stock market, or that a military expert can know about the future of the military, is like going back to 1999 and asking an Iraq expert what the next decade would look like for Iraq, or going back to 1935 and asking a Poland expert what the next ten years will look like for Poland. The problem with anybody who tries to predict anything is that they fail to understand that the specialty area that they think they know about is always being affected by a million external factors they know nothing about.
Any scientific endeavor to connect what you think is a cause to what you think is an effect is already at least 50% voodoo anyway, and trying to predict the future is like voodoo squared, it’s a whole different level of inaccuracy.
Don’t listen to anybody about the future who isn’t an expert on everything and all of the ways in which everything affects everything else.
DO YOU HAVE A “WAIT” PROBLEM? – A WAIT PROBLEM IS REALLY A DISCONNECT BETWEEN WHAT IS TRULY POSSIBLE AND WHAT YOU WILL LET YOURSELF RECEIVE!
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WHEN WILL YOU MOVE FORWARD? Do you feel that you are sitting in the “waiting room” of life, waiting for happiness, love, the green light, better times or a bridge to appear? Can it be that you are waiting for courage, permission, your turn, zero risk, the right moment or a sign or guarantee?
Sometimes waiting is a cover for fear, self-doubt, unworthiness and not taking responsibility. This habit of waiting is a common block to happiness, love and success. There is no rational reason to wait, happiness, success and love is waiting for you. They await your choice, your acceptance and a sign from you. For as long as you wait, you cannot see what is already possible if you get up and pursue you selected objectives.
When you wait for things to happen you are giving up all control. You hope and dream things will by accident fall into you lap or come your way. When you wait you disconnect between what is truly possible and what you will let yourself receive. When you wait you are like a person that put his or her life on hold. The world is waiting for you muster up enough courage to become active and do something about your objective, goals and dreams. Most of us are impatient and hates to wait for in queues or waiting rooms. Why are we then so inclined to put our lives on hold when it comes to the most important things in our lives?
RELATIONSHIPS: Relationships suffer because people wait for things to improve and get almost perfect before they make a commitment. What people fail to understand is that relationships are always under construction. There is always work in progress.
If you are going to wait until your “relationship” is perfect and pristine you will wait forever. Have you ever thought how your indecisiveness is possibly the major reason why you are not really making progress? You must actually get into the water before you will get wet. You can stare at the water all day long, but only when you jump in will you be able to really find out what it is really like.
While you are sitting on the fence no progress will be made either. How can you ever enjoy your relationship if you continue to sit in your protective little castle, waiting for your potential lover to break down your heavily reinforced walls? When you do this you are not really in the game; you are not a member of the club. All you are is a critical spectator. You need to dive in and get wet or accept the crumbs that life throw at you from time to time.
LONELY? People are lonely because they wait for love instead of being loving. They wait for friendship instead of being a friend. If you are not happy with your social life then you will have to look how “available” you are to individuals that might be interested to enjoy your company? If you are hiding in your flat or home with the curtains drawn you will continue to be lonely for the rest of your life. If you have built invisible walls around yourself you should not be too surprised when people pass you by.
If you have a nasty personality that repels people you will remain isolated and lonely. When you make it difficult for people to be with you, you will gather cobwebs in your self-imposed exile. You are a walking and talking advertisement who you are and what you stand for. You can instantly repel potential interest without even saying a word with a bad attitude or if you go around with a chip on your shoulder.
WORK? You have a lack of team spirit because everybody is waiting for the team spirit to get better. Nothing will change until the team member stop waiting for the team spirit to get better and do something about it. Nothing will get better or improve while the various staff member sit in their boxes and wait for others to make the first move.
PREMATURE AGEING? People age prematurely because they postpone their happiness. They promise that they will have fun after work, after chores, after the bills are paid, after retirement and after the grandkids are settled. Life passes you by when you are constantly in a standby or waiting mode. If you think that you will one day begin to live and enjoy life when everything is perfect or taken care of you are in for a nasty surprise.
They might one day write on your tombstone “Here lays the word’s biggest spectator, born 1952 – died 1990 and buried in 2018
SILLY CONFLICTS? Silly conflicts last forever because both parties wait to get what they will not give. Each party waits for the other to make the first move. Many relationships flushed down the toilet because one or both parties waited that the other would admit his or her mistake, faults, shortcomings and endless love. Waiting in relationships cause serious confusion and results in bitter conflicts. As indicated above you either dive in and get wet or quit. You cannot wait and hope that your partner will entertain and love you if you are nothing more than a spectator.
Willingness inspires readiness. With readiness all things are possible. Be ready and allow yourself to receive. Be ready and let yourself be guided, be helped, be inspired and be loved. You must become willing to get involved in the game of life or it will pass you by like a thief in the night. You need to get involved and become a player and not a spectator.
People are not out there to entertain you. They will not break down the door of your castle and beg you to come out and play. You might feel safe behind your walls and enjoy the infrequent attempts to lure you out of your hiding place, but will discover that the interested parties usually loose interest and go to the unguarded house.
You can sit in the waiting room of life forever or you can become an active player. Look around you and notice the other people in this waiting room. Their hair is grey and their skins look like a deflated rugby ball. Some of them have been waiting for more than eighty years for love, respect, friendship and fun to come their way. What they failed to realise all these years is that life is not a waiting game, but a game where you need to play your heart out if you want to taste the good things in life.
We tend to postpone our happiness because we have been conditioned that we can only be happy when we achieve a specific objective. The unpredictability of the times that we are living in make life a very painful experience for individuals with this frame of mind.
I once asked a young man in his mid twenties what would really make him happy? He responded and said, “I would love to retire and live in a small cottage close to the sea.” It was difficult for me to comprehend the long postponement of this young man’s happiness and then asked him, “What will make you really happy in your work?” He stared through the window for a while and then said, “I will only be really happy when I become managing director of the company that I work for.” You might think that this young man showed a lot of ambition, but I diagnosed him as a chronically unhappy boy.
It is good to have long-term goals, but it is better to learn to enjoy each step of your journey. Only when you learn to enjoy the current moment will you achieve real contentment.
Happiness is not something that you need to strive for or that must be handed to you by someone else. Happiness is something that must be allowed to escape from your heart. Happiness is the ability to experience happiness notwithstanding what happened in the past or what might happen at some future date.
If you knew that you have only one month to live, will you be able to enjoy every last second before your date with fate? If you are a person that is truly happy you will make the absolute best of the final hours of your life. You will give and receive love unconditionally. You will not waste time to accuse others of past mistakes that they made. What you will do is to live life to its fullest. Why then do we need to know that we will die soon before we actually live the final hours of our lives? Live each day as if it is your last on this planet and see what difference it will make. Stop looking for happiness from some outside source. Happiness is already in your heart; all you need to do is to release it.
The fear that something might be wrong with you is causing you to search for happiness in all the wrong places. Your beliefs that something or someone else will make you happy move your attention away from “here” to a place or destination away from yourself. It activates the perception that the “now” (current situation) is not the place where you will find happiness and that you can only expect happiness at some future time at a different destination or location.
Most of us are always busy pondering our “next step” and forget to appreciate what we already have. People search, struggle and strive, but never really arrive at their desired destination because they cannot get past the feeling that something is missing. I have met so many people that find it impossible to enjoy the present moment, the present company or their present partner because they feel that there is always still something missing.
The reason for this is because most people think that happiness must arrive from a source outside them. This perception is at the root of feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness. Most people are waiting for their friends, partners, children or employer to make them happy. This self-enforced feeling that something is missing and that happiness will mystically appear do not only put themselves under constant pressure, but also cause a lot of discomfort to the other players in his or her game of life.
I am convinced that you have met many individuals that are constantly unhappy. Such people also tell endless stories how people have let them down or how they have been taken advantage of. In short these people love to play the role of a victim and enjoy the moments of attention that it provokes in their listener. The problem with people with this disposition is that they are unable to see the whole picture. They look at things selectively and only see the things that will confirm and support their negative point of view.
When a happy person looks at a wonderful sunset he or she will allow themselves to be swept away by the kaleidoscope of colours and shadows. They might even experience a moment of deep respect for the creator. The habitually unhappy person will also look at the sunset, but will not even see the amazing play of colours. He or she might still be upset because his or her partner arrived late for their appointment.
I often tell people that you must not only listen to music, but feel the music as well. When you become a person that live your life in the now you usually become optimistic and appreciative. Unhappy people live in the past or the future. They usually drag trainloads of bad experiences with them. They find it impossible to let go of past failures and setbacks. They also cannot stop worrying what might happen in the future. While you are still busy congratulating them with their new job they will already speculate about things that could possibly go wrong at some future date. I am sure that you might think that this type of person should be classified as a perpetual pessimist, but I see people like this everyday. In fact I do not know a lot of people that I would classify as happy. When you take a careful look at all the things we do and strive for you will discover that our yearning to be happy is behind most of our actions and decisions.
When you look deeply into the nature of this thing called life and begin to understand what life is and the way the mind works, you will come to realize that in fact your happiness does not depend on any outside circumstances, events or people. This is the core realization. This is the heart of this understanding. When things begin to fall apart and you begin to see what’s really going on, you will discover that the happiness you seek is an internal event, an internal experience. And that this internal experience has nothing to do with all the things you were programmed to believe your happiness depended on! And this is why I say this is the good news… because it means you’re free! You are free! Your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone or anything… It’s up to you. And there is something you can do about it!
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Barbara Berger
Read more about this amazing book at the link below!
We tend to postpone our happiness because we have been conditioned that we can only be happy when we achieve a specific objective. The unpredictability of the times that we are living in make life a very painful experience for individuals with this frame of mind.
I once asked a young man in his mid twenties what would really make him happy? He responded and said, “I would love to retire and live in a small cottage close to the sea.” It was difficult for me to comprehend the long postponement of this young man’s happiness and then asked him, “What will make you really happy in your work?” He stared through the window for a while and then said, “I will only be really happy when I become managing director of the company that I work for.” You might think that this young man showed a lot of ambition, but I diagnosed him as a chronically unhappy boy.
It is good to have long-term goals, but it is better to learn to enjoy each step of your journey. Only when you learn to enjoy the current moment will you achieve real contentment.
Happiness is not something that you need to strive for or that must be handed to you by someone else. Happiness is something that must be allowed to escape from your heart. Happiness is the ability to experience happiness notwithstanding what happened in the past or what might happen at some future date.
If you knew that you have only one month to live, will you be able to enjoy every last second before your date with fate? If you are a person that is truly happy you will make the absolute best of the final hours of your life. You will give and receive love unconditionally. You will not waste time to accuse others of past mistakes that they made. What you will do is to live life to its fullest. Why then do we need to know that we will die soon before we actually live the final hours of our lives? Live each day as if it is your last on this planet and see what difference it will make. Stop looking for happiness from some outside source. Happiness is already in your heart; all you need to do is to release it.
The fear that something might be wrong with you is causing you to search for happiness in all the wrong places. Your beliefs that something or someone else will make you happy move your attention away from “here” to a place or destination away from yourself. It activates the perception that the “now” (current situation) is not the place where you will find happiness and that you can only expect happiness at some future time at a different destination or location.
Most of us are always busy pondering our “next step” and forget to appreciate what we already have. People search, struggle and strive, but never really arrive at their desired destination because they cannot get past the feeling that something is missing. I have met so many people that find it impossible to enjoy the present moment, the present company or their present partner because they feel that there is always still something missing.
The reason for this is because most people think that happiness must arrive from a source outside them. This perception is at the root of feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness. Most people are waiting for their friends, partners, children or employer to make them happy. This self-enforced feeling that something is missing and that happiness will mystically appear do not only put themselves under constant pressure, but also cause a lot of discomfort to the other players in his or her game of life.
I am convinced that you have met many individuals that are constantly unhappy. Such people also tell endless stories how people have let them down or how they have been taken advantage of. In short these people love to play the role of a victim and enjoy the moments of attention that it provokes in their listener. The problem with people with this disposition is that they are unable to see the whole picture. They look at things selectively and only see the things that will confirm and support their negative point of view.
When a happy person looks at a wonderful sunset he or she will allow themselves to be swept away by the kaleidoscope of colours and shadows. They might even experience a moment of deep respect for the creator. The habitually unhappy person will also look at the sunset, but will not even see the amazing play of colours. He or she might still be upset because his or her partner arrived late for their appointment.
I often tell people that you must not only listen to music, but feel the music as well. When you become a person that live your life in the now you usually become optimistic and appreciative. Unhappy people live in the past or the future. They usually drag trainloads of bad experiences with them. They find it impossible to let go of past failures and setbacks. They also cannot stop worrying what might happen in the future. While you are still busy congratulating them with their new job they will already speculate about things that could possibly go wrong at some future date. I am sure that you might think that this type of person should be classified as a perpetual pessimist, but I see people like this everyday. In fact I do not know a lot of people that I would classify as happy. When you take a careful look at all the things we do and strive for you will discover that our yearning to be happy is behind most of our actions and decisions.
Happiness and success is always just one thought away. You should remember when you find it difficult to cope that one thought could change your life. One fresh thought or one new idea can change your life from pain and suffering to success and peace of mind. You are what you think. Your choices that you make on a moment-to-moment basis decide your fate and future. You can never feel or perform better than the ongoing thoughts that you allow to occupy your mind.
We tend to postpone our happiness because we have been conditioned that we can only be happy when we achieve a specific objective. The unpredictability of the times that we are living in make life a very painful experience for individuals with this frame of mind.
I once asked a young man in his mid twenties what would really make him happy? He responded and said, “I would love to retire and live in a small cottage close to the sea.” It was difficult for me to comprehend the long postponement of this young man’s happiness and then asked him, “What will make you really happy in your work?” He stared through the window for a while and then said, “I will only be really happy when I become managing director of the company that I work for.” You might think that this young man showed a lot of ambition, but I diagnosed him as a chronically unhappy boy.
It is good to have long-term goals, but it is better to learn to enjoy each step of your journey. Only when you learn to enjoy the current moment will you achieve real contentment.
Happiness is not something that you need to strive for or that must be handed to you by someone else. Happiness is something that must be allowed to escape from your heart. Happiness is the ability to experience happiness notwithstanding what happened in the past or what might happen at some future date.
If you knew that you have only one month to live, will you be able to enjoy every last second before your date with fate? If you are a person that is truly happy you will make the absolute best of the final hours of your life. You will give and receive love unconditionally. You will not waste time to accuse others of past mistakes that they made. What you will do is to live life to its fullest. Why then do we need to know that we will die soon before we actually live the final hours of our lives? Live each day as if it is your last on this planet and see what difference it will make. Stop looking for happiness from some outside source. Happiness is already in your heart; all you need to do is to release it.
The fear that something might be wrong with you is causing you to search for happiness in all the wrong places. Your beliefs that something or someone else will make you happy move your attention away from “here” to a place or destination away from yourself. It activates the perception that the “now” (current situation) is not the place where you will find happiness and that you can only expect happiness at some future time at a different destination or location.
Most of us are always busy pondering our “next step” and forget to appreciate what we already have. People search, struggle and strive, but never really arrive at their desired destination because they cannot get past the feeling that something is missing. I have met so many people that find it impossible to enjoy the present moment, the present company or their present partner because they feel that there is always still something missing.
The reason for this is because most people think that happiness must arrive from a source outside them. This perception is at the root of feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness. Most people are waiting for their friends, partners, children or employer to make them happy. This self-enforced feeling that something is missing and that happiness will mystically appear do not only put themselves under constant pressure, but also cause a lot of discomfort to the other players in his or her game of life.
I am convinced that you have met many individuals that are constantly unhappy. Such people also tell endless stories how people have let them down or how they have been taken advantage of. In short these people love to play the role of a victim and enjoy the moments of attention that it provokes in their listener. The problem with people with this disposition is that they are unable to see the whole picture. They look at things selectively and only see the things that will confirm and support their negative point of view.
When a happy person looks at a wonderful sunset he or she will allow themselves to be swept away by the kaleidoscope of colours and shadows. They might even experience a moment of deep respect for the creator. The habitually unhappy person will also look at the sunset, but will not even see the amazing play of colours. He or she might still be upset because his or her partner arrived late for their appointment.
I often tell people that you must not only listen to music, but feel the music as well. When you become a person that live your life in the now you usually become optimistic and appreciative. Unhappy people live in the past or the future. They usually drag trainloads of bad experiences with them. They find it impossible to let go of past failures and setbacks. They also cannot stop worrying what might happen in the future. While you are still busy congratulating them with their new job they will already speculate about things that could possibly go wrong at some future date. I am sure that you might think that this type of person should be classified as a perpetual pessimist, but I see people like this everyday. In fact I do not know a lot of people that I would classify as happy. When you take a careful look at all the things we do and strive for you will discover that our yearning to be happy is behind most of our actions and decisions.
Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.
William Shakespeare
7 Factors That Influence the Quality and Life-Span of Romantic Relationships and Marriage
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When most adults embark upon a new romantic relationship, they do so with the best intentions in mind. Yet most romantic relationships usually fail within the first three months, others break down within the first year and some that last longer and even lead to marriage create more pain than happiness. People often wonder why. Things looked so good at first! “It was love at first sight”, “we had such great chemistry in the beginning”, “we had so much fun the night we met”, they frequently will say.
Truly, it does seem like a great mystery why some relationships succeed and thrive while other relationships fail miserably or become such a great source of strife and sorrow. Relationships are dynamic, they tend to take on a life of their own and it’s really hard to pinpoint what went right or wrong after some months or years. There are some factors, though, which play a significant role in the quality and life-span of relationships, factors that influence our relationships in often invisible and unnoticeable ways, sometimes nurturing them, sometimes undermining them. What are these factors?
Self-esteem. I cannot stress enough the importance of entering a relationship with relatively healthy self-esteem. What is healthy self-esteem? Self-esteem must not be confused with self-confidence which is based on our more external characteristics or abilities. Healthy self-esteem is the sense that we are acceptable, likable, lovable and worthy as individuals. Unhealthy self-esteem distorts our perception, narrows our choices, constricts our behavior, lowers our standards, causes us to make compromises we don’t have to make, makes us “impossible” as partners with our extreme neediness and insecurity, and invites what we are most afraid of. If you feel that you do not have healthy self-esteem and if you recognize that this has often led you to wrong choices or kept you in unhealthy relationships, then invest in yourself and consider having some therapy to address your issues whatever they may be before entering a new relationship. It’s an investment in your self and your future happinessyou will never regret.
Self-knowledge. We all have a sense of “who we are”, but it would be very helpful if we sat down and thought about “who we are” as if we had been asked by someone to give a thorough description of ourselves: our positive/negative traits, our abilities, our needs and desires, our preferences and dislikes, our values, our goals, ourdreams, our world-view. Knowing who you are automatically helps you see who you are a good match to and who is a good match for you, which leads us to our next factor:
Compatibility. It’s an obvious fact that not all people are alike. There is not only one type of a healthy personality, but many different types and many personality styles and not all are compatible between them. For example, an order-loving, cleanliness freak, a person whose life is constructed upon a lot of cultural “shoulds” and “musts” will have a very hard time getting along with a sloppy, chaotic and freedom-loving, non-conformist artist, even though the initial attraction and chemistry may be immense precisely because of these differences.
A lot of other variables may affect compatibility: social status or background, religious/cultural background, differences in educational level, values, a big age difference, past experiences, life-goals, etc. Family background also plays a very significant role: a person who comes from a broken family, for example, may not trust relationships, may not invest emotionally in relationships as much as a person coming from a family which stuck it out together to the end, may not have internalized the meaning of the institution of marriage in quite the same way as a person coming from a familywhere “marriage is forever”.
Timing.Frequently, a relationship fails because of poor timing. One partner is too involved with his/her studies, business, career for a certain period of his/her life and cannot or does not want to invest time and energy into a relationship, even though he/she may like a person very much. If that is the case, and you soon realize that this condition is not going to change for a while, instead of doing what people usually do – nagging, blaming, clinging, etc – let go and move on. That’s where good self-esteem comes in (I can find someone else) that’s where self-knowledge comes in (I know my needs, desires and preferences) and that’s where compatibility comes in (we have different needs but we are both OK).
True Attraction. Many times people go into a relationship not because they have met someone really special they want to be with, but because they feel lonely, or have been alone for some time and think that they “have” to have a relationship to seem normal and be socially accepted. I’m not suggesting that you stay alone, drowning in loneliness, frustration and isolation while waiting for the Ideal Person to come along! What I am suggesting, though, is that if you just rush into a relationship ignoring some red flags hoping they will go away, they won’t and pretty soon you will again find yourself out of a relationship!
Sexual Satisfaction. Another factor that often gets overlooked (except when it comes up in the therapist’s office) is sexual compatibility and satisfaction, and this is an area in which women especially shortchange themselves, many times out of a silly tendency to protect the male ego. Sexual satisfaction is the glue that holds a relationship together, and its lack is a deadly virus that breaks out into all sorts of ugly symptoms (chronic resentment, temper tantrums, passive-aggressive behaviors like constant nagging about irrelevant issues, infidelity, etc).
If you are at the beginning of a relationship and his/her sexual characteristics, body language, sexual/sensual expression are not as you would like them to be, do both of you a favor, end the relationship and move on. If from the start you don’t naturally and spontaneously hit it off, you never will – proof of this are all the sex manuals in circulation trying to cure the problem after the fact. There are perfect, multiple sexual matches for all of us out there and we do not have to compromise, or lie to ourselves or our partner.
Adequate healing time between relationships. Before planting the seed of a new love, we must take some time to weed our soil, purify our hearts from memories of past hurts, fears and sorrows by forgiving the past, blessing it for the wisdom it has offered us, and letting it go. Many people make the mistake of thinking that the only way to cure a broken heart is to fall in love with someone else immediately or, at any rate, find a substitute for the missing partner right away. Rebound relationships never work, because it takes some time for a jilted or abandoned partner to regain their inner balance, to mend the little holes and tears in their self-esteem and enter a new relationship with a clear and unburdened heart. Usually, the rebound relationship is still about “the ex” much more than it is about the new person we have met.
Ideally, romantic relationships are unions between two individuals’ hearts, bodies, souls, spirits and minds. I believe that knowing the factors that may affect them in various degrees helps us understand our past mistakes and prevents us from repeating them over and over again by helping us gain more clarity and insight into the complexity of relationships that often evades our perception.
We will have problems, small and major problems until our final day on this plane. We will never reach a place where we are jumping with joy, in perfect health or find ourselves in amazing relationships all the time. The sooner we understand that we need to be happy and successful notwithstanding the shit we go through and the problems we face the quicker we will achieve peace of mind. Earth zone is not paradise. It is a place where we come to hone our skills, evolve and grow. Earth school will teach you unbelievable skills if you stop living out a fantasy that life and people should be fair. Most people you think is your friends only remain attached to you because of the benefits you offer them (money, time, a shoulder to cry on) They will drop you the moment you stop feeling their emotional needs. Wake up and see things as they are! Fall in love with problems, because they are your road map to success and growth.
These lips can whisper about love, compassion, forgiveness and care, they can kiss and caress or they can become an instrument that cause untold pain for her owner and everyone that is attached to her or that come into contact with her. Use this tool well and you will live a life filled with joy and happiness – allow them to say the first thing that comes to mind and you will create ongoing problems and disasters in all areas of your life and the lives of those that you touch during your journey through life.
Everyday you make a thousand choices. You choose what to wear, where to go, who to meet, what to eat and what to do. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, YOU decide WHAT TO THINK. One thing is sure and that is that your day will not be better than your thoughts. ...................
Just close your eyes for a moment and see if you can visualise this open toolbox and if you can see the hundreds of tools that are neatly placed in this toolbox. Now look if you can see the maker’s name on these tools. The creator of these tools (thoughts and perceptions) is you. You created thousands of thoughts and perceptions (tools) about everything since your childhood. ..................
When confronted with any situation or problem you reach into this toolbox and take out what you think the most appropriate tool would be and then attempt to fix the problem. It is estimated that your mind thinks at least 2,500 thoughts an hour. Every thought that you think is a tool (perception) that you have that you imagine would work best under specific circumstances. This thought process continues day and night and will do so for the rest of your life. .....................................
I am convinced that we think ourselves to a standstill. We never stop playing with these tools in our toolbox and can hardly ever really relax for a while. If we are not faced with a problem or task that needs completion we still continue to take out these tools and mentally rehears and contemplate how we will use them should something that we fear become a reality. ............................
We are forever thinking and scheming and never become still and tranquil inside. Our bodies might seem relaxed, but deep inside our heads this thought process continues churning around. What I am most worried about is that most of the tools that you have in your toolbox are very old and outdated. .......................
Many of the opportunities, problems and obstructions that you face daily cannot be repaired while you are using old and outdated tools. If you take a modern mechanic’s toolbox and you place the toolbox of a mechanic of fifty years ago next to it you will find that there are major discrepancies. When you are confronted with something that needs repair and you do not have the right tool for the task at hand it can be very frustrating. We usually improvise and try using some other tools and hope that it will also get the job done. ........................
When you are faced with a problem you need to select the right tool for the task at hand. If you do not have the tool in your toolbox it can complicate your life. What most people seem to ignore is that it is sometimes better not to reach for your toolbox when faced with a problem. Sometimes you need time to pass or need to leave the problem with its rightful owner. How well you use your tools is usually reflected in the world you see around you. What would you do if you were faced with any or all of the following? .........................
You get a flat tire on your way to an important customer or meeting. You can fall apart, develop a migraine and think that life is against you or you can take out the right tools (patience and reality) and take care of the problem in a relaxed manner. ........................
You have been working on the computer for hours and suddenly lose all your work. You can drop dead with a heart attack; think that God hates you or you can take out the right tool (sanity and reality) and begin over and this time remember to make a backup of your work. ....................
A lover or wife possibly cheated on you. You can go crazy and get an assassin to take out the potential threat to your relationship, think that you are a failure or you can take out the right tool (no fear of loss) and get on with your life. .......................
When you have the right tools in your toolbox it makes life a lot easier. The choices we make are vital in our lives. The more quality choices we make during any given day the higher the probability of success and peace of mind. ................
I suggest that you equip your toolbox with the best tools you can lay your hands on. It is important to upgrade if you discover that one of your tools are outdated or that a more modern version is available. How would you react if your TV packed up and a technician that obviously knows very little about electronics arrived at your house with only a sledgehammer and a few other primitive tools in his toolbox? I am sure that you will send him away and find someone better qualified and equipped for the task. .....................
You might sometimes be like this incompetent and poorly equipped technician indicated above if you do not often update your tools (thoughts) in your toolbox. You can also have all the right tools in your toolbox and never use them because you are afraid that you might make a mistake. ..................
You must remember that happiness and success is always just one thought (tool) away. You should remember when you find it difficult to cope with something that one new tool (thought) could change your life. One fresh thought and one new idea can change your life from pain and suffering to success and peace of mind. ........................
You are today what you were programmed with yesterday. The choices that you make on a moment-to-moment basis decide your fate and future. You can never feel or perform better than the ongoing thoughts and feelings that you allow to occupy your mind! .......................
The mistake we make is that most of us live our lives on a reactive basis. We start and complete our day in a reactive state of being. Something comes to our attention via our five senses or via a thought in our mind. We automatically slip into the “role” that we created for ourselves many moons ago. We act, react and experience the same feelings and emotions that we embedded with our scrip at its inception. We do exactly the same when new stimuli push the previous “drama” off the stage in our minds. We sustain this reactive mode of thinking until we finally go to bed at night. Most of our days are made up of a tapestry of “roles” that we played in our own colorful way. It is important to understand that nothing is going to change until we do something different. We cannot repeat the same old recipes and expect a different outcome. ....................
You can use the “Portable Life Skills Wisdom” book to develop a range of appropriate scripts that you can use when you are faced with a problem or project that need your attention. You will if you apply the scripts in this book find that you no longer run your life on a reactive basis. The new scripts will help you to live your life in the moment. You will become more realistic. You will treat each event on its own merit. How do you do this? ......................
The Process ....................
Read the first message in your book. Write it down if at all possible. It will assist you to absorb the data provided. Now sit back and close your eyes and visualize how you will apply the specific message in the various areas of your life. See yourself on the screen of your mind using the message in all your day-to-day activities. It is important to attempt to feel and experience the benefits that this new mode of thinking will bring into your life. Do this for ten minutes. Then open your eyes and begin to apply the wisdom on all occasions where appropriate in your activities on that given day. ...........................
Proceed to do the same with second message etc. in your book tomorrow. You will upload almost a thousand powerful recipes if you sustain the process indicated above. You can in less than three years upload a powerful “tool” system that will serve you for the rest of your life. This can be a life changing experience if you apply it daily. You will discover that the ten minutes you invest daily will upload countless new strategies into your subconscious computer. Build a successful and happy life. The key however is action. You can have the best tools available to man and still fail if you don’t use them daily. Wishing you the very best with this endeavor. .............................
Daily Support System (This Blog) ................
You not only have the massive key ideas in the book that you can use when appropriate you also receive daily posts on a wide range of subjects that will expand this system to a level never offered before. Visit this blog daily for fresh new ideas with a sprinkle of historical wisdom that stood the test of time. ..........................
Rene
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PORTABLE LIFE SKILLS DAILY WISDOM GUIDE 