Give yourself time to scan all incoming data. You can cause yourself and partner serious discomfort if you for example have a hair-trigger on jealousy. You can destroy a wonderful relationship if you have a hair-trigger on your impatience. You can flush your career down the toilet if you have a hair-trigger on your anger or jump to conclusions. Stop automatic reactions when triggered if you want to change your life. Learn to buy time and to delay your decisions until you have gathered enough data to make an informed decision. The next time you fly off the handle remember that only fools start acting out the first routine that comes to mind
WHAT PAIN OR PLEASURE WE LINK TO SITUATIONS AND PEOPLE DETERMINES HOW WE ACT AND REACT TO THEM. WE CANNOT ACT IN A MANNER THAT PROVOKES PAIN IN PEOPLE AND EXPECT RESPECT, LOVE AND COMPASSION FROM THEM!
People move towards pleasure provoking experiences and away from pain provoking experiences. They move towards people that make them feel good and away from people that make them feel worthless and defective. This law must always be kept in mind if you want to influence people in a positive manner.
It will be idiotic to constantly say and do things that cause somebody pain and expect loyalty and dedication from such person. How can you kick a person in the teeth and expect him or her to love and respect you. We might not always physically kick people, but some of the things we do, fail to do or say often cause more pain than a kick in the teeth.
Everything you do or refrain from doing is governed by your perception you have of such event. If you for example find it difficult to motivate yourself to do something that you know need to be done you will find “potential pain avoidance” at the root of you resistance. We usually select the potential pleasure route in all our actions and decisions. If we have any idea that we might be exposed to potentially pain we try our level best avoid such contacts.
Just think for a moment about this principle. When you see or think of certain people what reaction do they evoke in you? If a person activates any level of discomfort in you, you will always react and respond accordingly. An opinion is formed quickly and usually takes years to modify. Most people lives their live according to this law or principal. Once they formed a perception about something or someone it takes a massive jolt to dislodge perceptions. Because we are pleasure seeking entities we tend to run on tracks for the best part of our lives. We thus get stuck in a pattern and will continue to follow this path until the day we expire.
Leaders and champions are bold enough to break these patterns and confront their fears. They know that mediocre and substandard performances are caused by the avoidance of potential pain. You can never grow, learn and win while you remain in your comfort zone. It is only when you go beyond your comfort threshold that progress can be made.
.
I WILL BECOME OUTCOME FOCUSED TODAY. I WILL DO THE THINGS I FEAR UNTIL IT LOSES ITS HOLD ON MY MIND!
.
We often know what we need or want in life, but we hardly ever do something about it. The main reason for this is because we amplify the potential pain so much that it outweighs the potential pleasure that reaching our goal would provide us.
If you want to stop smoking or lose weight you have to make your perceived “outcome” so exciting and pleasure provoking that it will make the effort that will be needed to work through the potential pain part less dominant. You will never reach your desired objective while the fear of the pain outweighs the potential pleasure of the outcome. It is thus imperative that you desire your outcome more than the obstacle that you may encounter along the way. Only when you become excited and motivated about your outcome will you have enough staying power to hang in until the objective (pleasure) is achieved.
If you want to become influential, you will have to learn to use this law to your advantage. You will make it easy for people to be with you and do business with you. You will say and do things that will activate expectations of potential pleasure not pain. All your actions and reactions must show people that you respect their point of view and that you are there to help them to achieve their own objectives. Always remember that most people you deal with are running on preconceived tracks or perceptions.
Being at peace is the wonderful state of mind and body where all is calm, where thoughts are quiet and serene, and where muscles are relaxed and comfortable. In this article, you’ll learn how to attain this inner peace in a matter of minutes.
Once you are adept at controlling your mind and body, you are always only one simple thought away from perfect peacefulness.
You can “will” perfect peacefulness at any time. You will be able to move out of stressful situations immediately. All you need to do is follow a few simple steps to train yourself. A little practice is all that is required. But, you must take the time to direct the mind and body in positive ways so that you can ensure the pleasures of inner peace.
You’re at the wheel. So let’s drive on!
Let peace happen.
Being at peace is a choice. When we stop struggling and fighting the world around us—and the world within us—peace can happen. Our individual fight is with our thoughts, emotions and physical bodies. The fighting can be directed toward ourselves or those we face each day. Here are several approaches to quickly give up the fight and win at the same time.
There are many ways your physical body can take on struggles you face each day. Maybe you clench your jaw when you get mad. Maybe you collect tension across the back of your neck and shoulders. Maybe butterflies trouble your stomach. The first step is being aware of what you are doing. The second step is to consciously make the choice to release the tension.
Your mind takes on struggles in the form of mental images. Do you tend to imagine the ideal end result or the worst possible situation? Troubling and negative mental images translate into unpleasant emotions and stressful physical reactions.
Choose carefully the thoughts you think because they absolutely affect how you feel. Realize that the only person who can change your thoughts is you. You can then take charge and change your thoughts for the better.
Emotions are natural physiological changes that occur when thoughts are held in your mind. You can easily direct your emotional states by changing your posture; for example, sit straight, tilt your head, use facial expressions, walk differently, etc. You can also direct your emotional states by holding brighter and more pleasing visual images in mind. You have the choice, but you must make the choice.
Creating Peace of Mind
To create peace within yourself, simply relax your body and breathing; then, direct the mind.
A still body is the reflection of a calm mind, but the mind cannot be still until the body is still.
Begin by making your body comfortable. Then release areas of tension. As example, gentle movements of the neck and shoulder muscles can help stretch and release tension in those areas.
Breathing in an even and steady way will quickly calm both the body and mind. Make the inhale and exhale of equal length without any pauses in between. Your breathing will become smooth and even.
The next step is to quiet the mind. Start by bringing your awareness into this present moment, here and now. By doing this you can effectively eliminate distracting or troubling thoughts. Any anxieties about the future or tensions from the past will leave your mind and body.
Another way to direct the mind is to direct your inner voice–especially if it is anxious or overbearing. Play with the idea of changing the volume of your inner voice. Have it be quieter.
Modify the tone of you inner voice until it is pleasant, warm and nurturing. You can have it say pleasant and comforting words to you—words of encouragement and self esteem. Some people even repeat soothing words or phrases in a rhythmic way.
The final step is to hold images that encourage a peaceful mind. For thousands of years, prayerful and meditative people have directed the mind by holding steady mental pictures. For example, the image of a candle flame can be used to concentrate one’s attention and steady the mind. You can use images of a peaceful scene from nature, a vacation setting, an imaginary room of comfort, a cathedral, rose bushes, or anything calming, wonderful, and peaceful.
What To Do Once You’ve Got There.
Getting to a relaxed state of mind and body by the above steps may take 20-30 minutes at first. With practice, however, you’ll be able to accomplish this within a few minutes.
When you try to extend this peaceful feeling for long periods of time, you may find that your mind will race to other thoughts. After all, your mind is trained to race, to go full throttle, all day long. If you suddenly stop for 20 minutes, will your mind to cooperate? No. It will do what you trained it to do for the 16 hours–race!
So, what’s the solution? How do you create a peace-filled life, and not peaceful three-minute spurts? Take it one moment and one thought at a time. Bring peaceful, serene, and positive images and feelings into the rest of your day. Learn to release tensions as they occur. Learn to direct your thoughts and emotions at the time they start getting out of hand. You’ll discover that not only can you create a peacefulness, but you are living a peace-filled life.
Many of us frequently go through RELATIONSHIP problems or we would love to FIND a more satisfying relationship than our current existing relationship. We often enrol in relationship building programs, read books about relationship building, cry on family members shoulders, meditate under waterfalls and learn why the author claim that woman are from VENUS and men from MARS. All these efforts are usually to no avail. The reason why strategies and methods fail to produce sustained SUCCESSFUL outcomes is because we remain focused on the outcomes we desire and forget that the CORE CAUSES need to be addressed. This is the main reason why relationship repairs after ugly disputes that sometimes ended up in separations or divorce often soon return. All the good intentions in the world cannot be sustained until the CORE CAUSES are address and removed. LOVE alone cannot overcome inherent defective and contaminated CORE CAUSES. Relationships can only be repaired and sustained if both parties address and rectify the fundamental CORE CONTAMINATION that they imported into their RELATIONSHIP.
Getting struck by Cupid’s arrow may very well take your breath away and make your heart go pitter-patter this Valentine’s Day, reports sexual wellness specialists at Loyola University Health System.
“Falling in love causes our body to release a flood of feel-good chemicals that trigger specific physical reactions,” said Pat Mumby, PhD, co-director of the Loyola Sexual Wellness Clinic and professor, Department of Psychiatry & Behavioral Neurosciences, Loyola University Chicago Stritch School of Medicine (SSOM). “This internal elixir of love is responsible for making our cheeks flush, our palms sweat and our hearts race.”
Levels of these substances, which include dopamine, adrenaline and norepinephrine, increase when two people fall in love. Dopamine creates feelings of euphoria while adrenaline and norepinephrine are responsible for the pitter-patter of the heart, restlessness and overall preoccupation that go along with experiencing love.
MRI scans indicate that love lights up the pleasure center of the brain. When we fall in love, blood flow increases in this area, which is the same part of the brain implicated in obsessive-compulsive behaviors.
“Love lowers serotonin levels, which is common in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders,” said Mary Lynn, DO, co-director of the Loyola Sexual Wellness Clinic and assistant professor, Department of Obstetrics & Gynecology, SSOM. “This may explain why we concentrate on little other than our partner during the early stages of a relationship.”
Doctors caution that these physical responses to love may work to our disadvantage.
“The phrase ‘love is blind’ is a valid notion because we tend to idealize our partner and see only things that we want to see in the early stages of the relationship,” Dr. Mumby said. “Outsiders may have a much more objective and rational perspective on the partnership than the two people involved do.”
There are three phases of love, which include lust, attraction and attachment.
Lust is a hormone-driven phase where we experience desire. Blood flow to the pleasure center of the brain happens during the attraction phase, when we feel an overwhelming fixation with our partner. This behavior fades during the attachment phase, when the body develops a tolerance to the pleasure stimulants. Endorphins and hormones vasopressin and oxytocin also flood the body at this point creating an overall sense of well-being and security that is conducive to a lasting relationship.
Mutual respect developed in relationships ensures sustainability and good quality choices. The key is to create a platform where parties can talk openly, without fear about observations, experiences and feelings. I sometimes find it almost humorous to hear from friends how their partner went crazy, hyperventilated and pulled out clumps of hair from his or her scalp after they share some bad news with him or her. A few dramatic performances by your partner after you share less acceptable news with him or her usually convince you that this open and honest thing should be avoided at all cost. That is one of the main reasons why partners begin to hide stuff from each other. It might be a good idea to set down a few ground rules about this open and honest mode of operation before you agree to take it on board. You must build in an escape clause if your partner begins to show symptoms of a heart attack or start looking for a sharp knife in the kitchen. I am exaggerating, but hope that you will accept that some ground rules must be put in place if one or both of the partners feel that honesty is the best policy. The best rule is to agree that you will bring in a “time out” period when any of the partners move away from a rational and objective communication style. You may find that one partner insist while he or she is foaming at the mouth that you conclude whatever you are busy talking about. My friend, take time out, even if you must dodge a few “flying saucers” on your way to your workshop. No problem, relationship or dispute has ever been solved amicably while one or both of the parties work in “crazy” mode. Showing respect and compassion is impossible while you jump up and down like a clown or make noises like a wounded buffalo. I thus suggest that you set some “playing” rules in this regard and avoid any engagement while upset or angry. Apply the “time out” rule if you want to master the art of dispute management.
All to often I talk with women who just “aren’t feelin’ it” anymore (or maybe they never have) in the bedroom. Over time, women who are not getting sexually turned-on with their partners will find themselves in one of these three camps:
1. You’ve stopped making love with your partner. Sex rarely occurs, and if it does it’s only because your partner initiates. However, your partner rarely initiates anymore because he’s experienced a history of painful rejection (note: her lack of enthusiasm for sex is interpreted as rejection). Couples may continue to co-exist as roommates, but the vital sexual connection between them is lost.
2. You are willing to go through the motions of having sex, but you’re not really enjoying making love. You feel more like a shell during intercourse, not really experiencing pleasurable sensations, and waiting for him to finish… hoping it will be soon. You are willing to have sex because you understand it’s important to your partner and you want to meet your partner’s sexual needs, however you’re not really enjoying it. The reason you’re not enjoying sex is because sex has become another task on your to-do list, it feels like an obligation to take care of someone else’s needs. While this low quality sex is helpful, it is far from optimal, and can undermine your relationship overtime as resentment builds when your needs remain unmet.
3. You “fake it”. You pretend like you’re having the time of your life, giving him what you think he wants… moaning, shouting, grinding and even flipping your hair around if you’re really good. Then you’ll give him a clear signal that you have reached an orgasm (when inside yourself, you know you haven’t) to finish things up, but it’s all an act. You’re mimicking what you’ve have seen in porn movies, or trying to be what you think your partner wants you to be for him. Again trying to please your partner with no connection to your authentic sensual self. Like in case #2, you care about pleasing your partner, but inside you’re not really feelin’ it.
All three of the above approaches are responses to the same problem: low sexual fulfillment. Low sexual fulfillment means that sex isn’t very enjoyable for you. You don’t see what all the fuss is about. You could take it or leave it, but preferably leave it because you might as well be reading a good book, folding laundry or catching some extra ZZZ’s.
The REAL problem is NOT that you don’t enjoy sex; it is that you have not learned HOW to relax and receive pleasure (with no strings attached).
LEARNING TO RELAX
Give yourself permission to slow down and relax, even if it means the kitchen floor remains un-swept. Relaxation begins with valuing yourself enough to allow yourself to be as you are. Once you’ve given yourself permission, recognize that relaxing is a skill that is LEARNED by practicing. With our multitasking tendencies, relaxing is a conscious choice. Make the choice to practice daily. And those of you proclaiming, “I don’t have time to relax”, need it the most.
Relaxing just takes a moment, because it’s simply a way of being present in your body. Focusing on your breathing releases tension and lowers your heart rate. Play is another great way to relax, find things to laugh about daily. For a more formal practice, take a yoga class that offers meditation. And if all else fails, there’s always merlot!
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RECEIVING PLEASURE FREELY
. Most of us are taught to associate receiving pleasure with shame or guilt. We think that pleasure must be earned, bought or acquired as a reward for our tireless efforts. Without realizing it most of us learn to associate female sexual pleasure (women enjoying sex) with being “slutty” or immoral. After all, how many of us have ever witnessed women enjoying sex who wasn’t a porn star? Hmmm.
So let’s rethink sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is a gift that is freely given to humankind to enrich our lives. Pleasure does not have to be earned or given by someone else. Pleasure is free. Pleasure is simply enjoying ALL of the wonderful sensations that can be experienced through the body and spirit. The ability to feel, taste, smell, touch, and hear are all avenues for pleasure.
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WHERE TO GO FROM HERE?
. Your relationship changes the instant you change. So, the next time you decide to become sexually intimate, take a moment to clear your mind with some deep, slow breaths. Become completely present in your body, release any stress, and allow yourself to completely forget about your daily “to-do” list. Now, give yourself permission to receive pleasure. Tell your partner what feels good with sounds, words and smiles. Or better yet, show your partner how you like to be touched. Guide his hand where you want it. If you’re not certain where and how you like to experience sexual pleasure, start by exploring your own body alone. Read Goddess my Guide article “How to use a vibrator.”
There is nothing to feel shameful or guilty about. Only good things come to the women and couples who use sensual aids. In fact, women who use vibrators experience many benefits that non-users do not, including greater sexual health, more fulfilling sexual relationships, less anxiety, increased sexual self-confidence and higher libido. Vibrators can be easily incorporated into lovemaking with your partner; in the same way you might use lingerie or music to enhance the experience. For help with introducing a sex toy into your relationship read my Goddess Guide article “How to introduce a vibrator into my relationship.”
It’s never too late! Simply give yourself permission to enjoy receiving pleasurable sensations during sex in much the same way as you might enjoy a rich, smooth, chilled piece of cheesecake or hearing your 4-year-old laugh uncontrollably at an episode of Sponge Bob. Life is rich with pleasure, add more sexual pleasure to your life and watch yourself and your relationship blossom!
WHAT PAIN OR PLEASURE WE LINK TO SITUATIONS AND PEOPLE DETERMINES HOW WE ACT AND REACT TO THEM. WE CANNOT ACT IN A MANNER THAT PROVOKES PAIN IN PEOPLE AND EXPECT RESPECT, LOVE AND COMPASSION FROM THEM!
People move towards pleasure provoking experiences and away from pain provoking experiences. They move towards people that make them feel good and away from people that make them feel worthless and defective. This law must always be kept in mind if you want to influence people in a positive manner.
It will be idiotic to constantly say and do things that cause somebody pain and expect loyalty and dedication from such person. How can you kick a person in the teeth and expect him or her to love and respect you. We might not always physically kick people, but some of the things we do, fail to do or say often cause more pain than a kick in the teeth.
Everything you do or refrain from doing is governed by your perception you have of such event. If you for example find it difficult to motivate yourself to do something that you know need to be done you will find “potential pain avoidance” at the root of you resistance. We usually select the potential pleasure route in all our actions and decisions. If we have any idea that we might be exposed to potentially pain we try our level best avoid such contacts.
Just think for a moment about this principle. When you see or think of certain people what reaction do they evoke in you? If a person activates any level of discomfort in you, you will always react and respond accordingly. An opinion is formed quickly and usually takes years to modify. Most people lives their live according to this law or principal. Once they formed a perception about something or someone it takes a massive jolt to dislodge perceptions. Because we are pleasure seeking entities we tend to run on tracks for the best part of our lives. We thus get stuck in a pattern and will continue to follow this path until the day we expire.
Leaders and champions are bold enough to break these patterns and confront their fears. They know that mediocre and substandard performances are caused by the avoidance of potential pain. You can never grow, learn and win while you remain in your comfort zone. It is only when you go beyond your comfort threshold that progress can be made.
.
I WILL BECOME OUTCOME FOCUSED TODAY. I WILL DO THE THINGS I FEAR UNTIL IT LOSES ITS HOLD ON MY MIND!
.
We often know what we need or want in life, but we hardly ever do something about it. The main reason for this is because we amplify the potential pain so much that it outweighs the potential pleasure that reaching our goal would provide us.
If you want to stop smoking or lose weight you have to make your perceived “outcome” so exciting and pleasure provoking that it will make the effort that will be needed to work through the potential pain part less dominant. You will never reach your desired objective while the fear of the pain outweighs the potential pleasure of the outcome. It is thus imperative that you desire your outcome more than the obstacle that you may encounter along the way. Only when you become excited and motivated about your outcome will you have enough staying power to hang in until the objective (pleasure) is achieved.
If you want to become influential, you will have to learn to use this law to your advantage. You will make it easy for people to be with you and do business with you. You will say and do things that will activate expectations of potential pleasure not pain. All your actions and reactions must show people that you respect their point of view and that you are there to help them to achieve their own objectives. Always remember that most people you deal with are running on preconceived tracks or perceptions.
Mutual respect developed in relationships ensures sustainability and good quality choices. The key is to create a platform where parties can talk openly, without fear about observations, experiences and feelings. I sometimes find it almost humorous to hear from friends how their partner went crazy, hyperventilated and pulled out clumps of hair from his or her scalp after they share some bad news with him or her. A few dramatic performances by your partner after you share less acceptable news with him or her usually convince you that this open and honest thing should be avoided at all cost. That is one of the main reasons why partners begin to hide stuff from each other. It might be a good idea to set down a few ground rules about this open and honest mode of operation before you agree to take it on board. You must build in an escape clause if your partner begins to show symptoms of a heart attack or start looking for a sharp knife in the kitchen. I am exaggerating, but hope that you will accept that some ground rules must be put in place if one or both of the partners feel that honesty is the best policy. The best rule is to agree that you will bring in a “time out” period when any of the partners move away from a rational and objective communication style. You may find that one partner insist while he or she is foaming at the mouth that you conclude whatever you are busy talking about. My friend, take time out, even if you must dodge a few “flying saucers” on your way to your workshop. No problem, relationship or dispute has ever been solved amicably while one or both of the parties work in “crazy” mode. Showing respect and compassion is impossible while you jump up and down like a clown or make noises like a wounded buffalo. I thus suggest that you set some “playing” rules in this regard and avoid any engagement while upset or angry. Remember the “time out” rule if you want to master the art of dispute management.
My colleague Emma Wall has written today about how she believes first-date sex makes men think of women as slutty. I couldn’t disagree more with her piece. Her flatmate, the pseudonymous but supposedly modern and well-mannered ‘Tom’ secretly believes that women who have sex on a first date are ‘a little bit slutty’ and he ‘wouldn’t make them [his] girlfriend’. Far from indicating a sad truth about the relationship between men and women, this indicates only one thing: ‘Tom’ is an idiot.
An informal survey of Emma’s friends on Facebook led her to believe further that women who don’t impose an arbitrary period of abstinence on new partners are seen as easy, unchallenging, unrespectable and, in one particularly charming response, ‘shit’. Here we can draw a wider conclusion but it’s still not about men and women. It’s that Emma needs some new friends.
Those in favour of waiting who style themselves as romantics are little better. One said: ‘Sex is always better with someone you like or have feelings for, so that more positive experience of the first time together can surely only help. A woman needs to hold on to that power for as long as possible and use it as a tool to keep him interested until he starts to develop feelings for her.’ Sex is power, sex is a tool, sex is something a woman holds on to in order to control a relationship. These people need help.
When psychologists weigh in, unfortunately, they only compound the problem. Dr Wendy Walsh, author of the ludicrous-sounding ‘30 Day Love Detox’ warns: ‘The more previous sexual partners a man has, the more likely he is to quickly perceive diminished attractiveness in a woman after first intercourse. First-date sex doesn’t lead to love for men. If the guy is a player, first-date sex more often leads to distain for a woman.’ If you can find a clearer case of mistaking an effect for a cause, I’d like to see it. Perhaps, Dr Walsh, men who quickly perceive diminished attractiveness in their girlfriends are more likely to seek out new ones, and are therefore likely to have a greater number of partners.
The entertainment industry does little to help. This idea that men assess women on their willingness to put out early in a relationship is a trope of romantic fiction and agony columns with little or no basis in reality. It’s something for characters in Sex and the City to agonise over, like the price of designer shoes, or for provocative male talk show hosts (I’m talking about you, Rush Limbaugh) to score some easy controversy points with.
Some men make judgments about some women. It might be about their decision to have sex soon after meeting a new partner, or the things they’re prepared to do in bed, the way they dress, their taste in jewellery, or a thousand other things. These men have their own problems and can be ignored. The majority of men, I’ve found, are rather pleased when they find a woman who wants to have sex.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m out of touch. I’ve been away from first dates for almost twenty years but I despair for single people, especially men, if attitudes have changed so much in favour of this ridiculous puritanical oppositional game. Legends and sluts? No. Men and women.
Many of us frequently go through RELATIONSHIP problems or we would love to FIND a more satisfying relationship than our current existing relationship. We often enrol in relationship building programs, read books about relationship building, cry on family members shoulders, meditate under waterfalls and learn why the author claim that woman are from VENUS and men from MARS. All these efforts are usually to no avail. The reason why strategies and methods fail to produce sustained SUCCESSFUL outcomes is because we remain focused on the outcomes we desire and forget that the CORE CAUSES need to be addressed. This is the main reason why relationship repairs after ugly disputes that sometimes ended up in separations or divorce often soon return. All the good intentions in the world cannot be sustained until the CORE CAUSES are address and removed. LOVE alone cannot overcome inherent defective and contaminated CORE CAUSES. Relationships can only be repaired and sustained if both parties address and rectify the fundamental CORE CONTAMINATION that they import into their RELATIONSHIP.
Mutual respect developed in relationships ensures sustainability and good quality choices. The key is to create a platform where parties can talk openly, without fear about observations, experiences and feelings. I sometimes find it almost humorous to hear from friends how their partner went crazy, hyperventilated and pulled out clumps of hair from his or her scalp after they shared some bad news with him or her. A few dramatic performances by your partner after you shared less acceptable news with him/her usually convince you that this open and honest thing should be avoided at all cost. That is one of the main reasons why partners begin to hide stuff from each other. It might be a good idea to set down a few ground rules about this open and honest mode of operation before you agree to take it on board. You must build in an escape clause if your partner begins to show symptoms of a heart attack or start looking for a sharp knife in the kitchen. I am exaggerating, but hope that you will accept that some ground rules must be put in place if one or both of the partners feel that honesty is the best policy. The best rule is to agree that you will bring in a “time out” period when any of the partners move away from a rational and objective communication style. You may find that one partner insist while he or she is foaming at the mouth that you conclude whatever you are busy talking about. My friend, take time out, even if you must dodge a few “flying saucers” on your way to your workshop. No problem, relationship or dispute has ever been solved amicably while one or both of the parties work in “crazy” mode. Showing respect and compassion is impossible while you jump up and down like a clown or make noises like a wounded buffalo. I thus suggest that you set some “playing” rules in this regard and avoid any engagement while upset or angry. Remember the “time out” rule if you want to master the art of dispute management.
If you maintain a negative limiting belief about your reality, such as a belief that this reality is insane, crazy, violent, indifferent, apathetic, etc., then your attitude will absolutely cream you. You can’t expect to get anywhere good with a belief that this reality is anything less than heavenly.
You’re not actually judging reality with such beliefs because you only have access to your limited perceptions of it, and those are 100% within your mind. So by labeling reality negatively, you’re actually labeling a part of your own mind in the same way.
That’s a trap — a huge trap that you must avoid at all costs.
The Trap of Labeling Reality Negatively
Subconsciously your mind will respond to such beliefs by crippling your self-esteem and strangling your ability to leverage your skills and talents. Some people who go this route even kill themselves in the end. It’s a completely foolhardy way to deal with reality. No good can come of it. Well… no good other than the eventual realization that it was a rather lame idea.
Once you realize that your perceptions of reality are all you have to go with, the most sensible approach is to permanently rule out the idea of casting aspersions on your reality, since you’re actually ridiculing your own perceptions, which can only make you go a bit insane. You can’t afford to do anything of the sort. That cannot possibly do any good whatsoever — it can only take you down a path of self-destruction and ruin.
What’s the alternative? Do the absolute best you can to cultivate a harmonious and supportive relationship with your reality. Settle for nothing less. If anything conflicts with your efforts there, ignore it as best you can, and refocus your attention on re-establishing a harmonious and supportive relationship with reality. You cannot get anywhere in this life if you do otherwise.
Some people have the belief that this reality is something of a proving ground between heaven (bliss) and hell (torture). They’re mistaken. When those people experience physical death, if their consciousness continues, they’ll only continue recreating more of the same flavor of experience they had here. They won’t suddenly ascend or descend just because they drop the connection to this particular physical plane. When you disconnect your computer from the Internet, it doesn’t suddenly upgrade or downgrade itself. If you want to upgrade your life experience, you must be the upgrader.
How to Take Control of Reality
This reality is actually as good as it gets. You’re already in heaven now, if you believe such a thing exists. There is nothing better. Whatever you think you can create in heaven, you can create and experience here. This doesn’t require magical powers or magical thinking. It does require taking full responsibility for how you relate to this reality. Since that relationship exists entirely within your mind, it’s under your control… but only to the extent that you believe it is. If you think that’s a Catch 22, you’re also right, since that’s just another belief. The benefit of a Catch 22, however, is that you can choose to be on the side that cheats, so no matter what happens, you win.
I maintain the belief that reality is 100% on my side. This is not based on evidence. It is based on choice. The evidence comes after the choice, not the other way around.
I even believe that reality conspires to go out of its way to help me, and I see evidence of this constantly (again, only after I chose this belief). And so this is what my experience of reality becomes. It’s full of pleasant surprises.
Today, for instance, I received an extra $900 out of the blue that I didn’t even know was coming. Reality loves to bring me gifts like this — financially, socially, experientially, etc. And because I maintain this belief, people frequently help and support me on my path. No one is going to do that for someone who thinks this reality is somehow lacking or damaged — that belief will only get you drained, beaten down, and abused.
If you seem to have a love-hate relationship with reality, then who’s the abuser? It can only be you. If you wish to continue suffering, then by all means, do so. I won’t stop you, especially when you do it in an entertaining way.
What if the whole time you’ve been here, reality was conspiring to bring you the most heavenly experiences imaginable, and all this time it’s been waiting for you to get with the program? Reality was functioning perfectly — within established parameters. But perhaps you’ve been slacking off in the imagination department. Have you been dwelling on what you’d love to experience and summoning it, or have you been muddling your mind with thoughts of perpetuating more of what you don’t want?
If you love what you’re experiencing right now, you can just keep observing that, and it will self-perpetuate; if that’s you, you’re already golden. But you can’t afford to let your mind dwell on your observations and their extended predictions if you’ve already established the pattern of creating experiences you don’t desire to continue. If you want to break the pattern of what you’re already experiencing, you need to shift your energy from observation and prediction to unfettered imagination and creation. Essentially that’s a time management challenge — spend less time observing and more time imagining.
Have you thought about what heaven might actually be like? It’s surely not all harps and angels and clouds like you might see depicted in a movie. That might be fun for a few hours, but then you’d be bored for eternity.
This Is Heaven
Here’s how I define heaven for me. Heaven is a state of existence that let’s me experience the following:
Beam – Enjoy my life immensely; feel deep appreciation and gratitude for this experience; laugh and smile
Harmonize – Maintain a deeply positive, loving, and supportive relationship with my reality
Shine – Develop my skills, talents, and habits to genius level; shamelessly express and share my creativity and brilliance
Explore – Search, study, travel, learn, and discover, guided by my curiosity, desires, and intuition
Open – Open my heart; actively invite and experience delicious connections that I desire
Grow – Become more capable and free; release and shed fears and limitations
Prosper – Create and enjoy tremendous prosperity and abundance
No need to wait for an afterlife. This is achievable here and now.
What’s your version of heaven? Do you have to wait till you’re dead to experience it? What makes you think death will be any better than this anyway? Would it really be easier to create heaven in some astral realm vs. right here, right now? What are you waiting for?
IF YOU WANT TO EXERT A POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON OTHERS YOU MUST AVOID MAKING TOO MANY RULES AND REGULATIONS THAT GOVERN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
I often find it quite amazing to see how “contracts” expand and grow in relationships, from a single page document to a book the size of a Bible. When two people meet they usually try to establish common ground between them. Both parties often have different reasons why they contemplate a relationship. The man often has a single agenda and that is to get the beautiful blond in bed while the blond may have an objective to find a true friend and soul mate. Because of the obvious different agendas it usually results in a very complicated contract (rules that would govern the relationship) between them.
The problem with troubled relationships can usually be traced to the “contract or rules” that govern all activities between the two parties. The more insecure any one or both of the parties, the more complicated and elaborate the agreement becomes. An endless number of rules are built into these unwritten agreements in an attempt to protect one or both parties from emotional injuries. Protection clauses usually form the base of new agreements if one or both parties have a history of previous relationship failures. This is how new relationships become contaminated by the “sins” of predecessors. These contracts do not only play a role in male, female relationships. All relationships have some kind of unwritten rule structure that governs them.
If you want to become a person of influence you will have to make it easy for people to be with you. You will make it very difficult or virtually impossible for people to spend time with you if you have unresolved issues or past fears that are still haunting you. People will find it difficult to relax when with you. People with fear in their hearts usually concoct complicated and cumbersome agreements in an attempt to avoid potential emotional injury.
I WILL MAKE IT EASY FOR PEOPLE TO BE WITH ME. I WILL NOT LOAD PEOPLE WITH EMOTIONAL ACCOUNTS MADE BY THEIR PREDECESSORS!
Individuals that exert positive influence tend to make it easy for people to be with them or to communicate with them. They do not allow complicated agreements to form that make their relationships cumbersome and unpleasant experiences. Their courage and confidence help them to keep their contracts simple and fair. They are usually people that find it easy to forgive. They do not bear grudges or have a tendency to reshuffle the garbage from their past. When they meet new people they attempt not to filter everything they say and do through their historical pain filters. They view each day as a separate event and do not drag years of painful history with them. They are influential because very few people are able to face each day one moment at a time. People find it astounding that they can accept them unconditionally notwithstanding their history and past failures.
They bring out the best in people because they allow them to be the best person they can be at that any given moment in time. They do not judge people on hearsay and rumours. They know that there are always two sides to a story. Why not try to simplify your agreements with people from now on; you might be astounded what difference it will make in their and your own life.
Every one of us has an irrational and destructive emotional side to our personality. This dark side can sabotage your relationship in an insidious way.
Below are the most common characteristics of what Dr. Phil calls “bad spirits,” and how they can impact a relationship.
You’re a Scorekeeper Competing can quickly turn a relationship into an ugly battle of one-upmanship. How can you possibly be a winner if it is at the expense of making the person you supposedly love a loser? Solid relationships are built on sacrifice and caring, not power and control. Competitiveness can drain the joy, confidence and productivity out of any relationship.
You’re a Fault-finder There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism if it is designed to improve the relationship. But it can often give way to constant faultfinding — in which you obsess over the flaws and imperfections rather than find value in your partner. Get off your partner’s back and you may see your partner moving toward you.
You Think It’s Your Way or the Highway If you’ve always got to be right, then you’re ready to fight till the end. No truer words were ever spoken, says Dr. Phil; you will fight to the end…the end of your relationship. You can’t be self-righteous or obsessed with control and do what’s best for the relationship at the same time.
You Turn Into an Attack Dog When you get in an argument, do you have a killer stare, a harsh tone and hurtful words? Attack dogs may experience short-term gain, but the target of the abuse becomes filled with bitterness and resentment. While it’s easy to fall into viciousness, it’s much harder to repair the resulting consequences.
You are a Passive Warmonger Instead of fault-finding or engaging in character assassination, these toxic partners try to thwart their partner by constantly doing that which they deny they are doing — in such an indirect way as to escape accountability if they are confronted. A passive aggressive person is as much of an overbearing controller as the most aggressive, in-your-face person you could imagine — only they do it insidiously and underhandedly.
You Resort to Smoke and Mirrors Because you lack the courage to get real about what is driving the pain and problems in your relationship, you criticize your partner about one thing when you’re really upset about another. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced is never real. The real issues will eventually burst forth in a torrid way.
You Will Not Forgive When you choose to bear anger at your partner, you trap yourself in pain and agony — and the negative energy can crowd every other feeling out of your heart. If you wallow in resentment and refuse to forgive and move on, you will tear up your own life and your relationship. You can’t change the past but you can deal with the resulting feelings and hurt by truly forgiving.
You Are the Bottomless Pit Are you so needy that you constantly undermine your chances of success? Can you never get enough satisfaction, love, attention or appreciation? Your partner will be frustrated by never seeming able to “fill you up.” We all want reassurance, but an insatiable appetite for it never gives your partner any rest. Free yourself from the internalized sense of inadequacy, and find other ways to feel your self-worth and value.
You’re Too Comfortable If you’re in a comfort zone, you are failing to meet your responsibilities in the relationship. You aren’t contributing, you aren’t stimulating, and you aren’t energizing. If you don’t make a move, it becomes easier and easier to stagnate.
You’ve Given Up When so many bad spirits crowd your life, you cannot imagine there being any way out. You become so forlorn, lonely, isolated, negative, cynical and far from your core of consciousness that you believe you are trapped. Be strong enough to confront your problems instead of giving up.
Relationship means something complete, finished, closed. Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues. It is a continuum. Why are we in such a hurry? — because to relate is insecure, and relationship is a security, relationship has a certainty. Relating is just a meeting of two strangers, maybe just an overnight stay and in the morning we say goodbye. Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow? And we are so afraid that we want to make it certain, we want to make it predictable. We would like tomorrow to be according to our ideas; we don’t allow it freedom to have its own say. So we immediately reduce every verb to a noun
All to often I talk with women who just “aren’t feelin’ it” anymore (or maybe they never have) in the bedroom. Over time, women who are not getting sexually turned-on with their partners will find themselves in one of these three camps:
1. You’ve stopped making love with your partner. Sex rarely occurs, and if it does it’s only because your partner initiates. However, your partner rarely initiates anymore because he’s experienced a history of painful rejection (note: her lack of enthusiasm for sex is interpreted as rejection). Couples may continue to co-exist as roommates, but the vital sexual connection between them is lost.
2. You are willing to go through the motions of having sex, but you’re not really enjoying making love. You feel more like a shell during intercourse, not really experiencing pleasurable sensations, and waiting for him to finish… hoping it will be soon. You are willing to have sex because you understand it’s important to your partner and you want to meet your partner’s sexual needs, however you’re not really enjoying it. The reason you’re not enjoying sex is because sex has become another task on your to-do list, it feels like an obligation to take care of someone else’s needs. While this low quality sex is helpful, it is far from optimal, and can undermine your relationship overtime as resentment builds when your needs remain unmet.
3. You “fake it”. You pretend like you’re having the time of your life, giving him what you think he wants… moaning, shouting, grinding and even flipping your hair around if you’re really good. Then you’ll give him a clear signal that you have reached an orgasm (when inside yourself, you know you haven’t) to finish things up, but it’s all an act. You’re mimicking what you’ve have seen in porn movies, or trying to be what you think your partner wants you to be for him. Again trying to please your partner with no connection to your authentic sensual self. Like in case #2, you care about pleasing your partner, but inside you’re not really feelin’ it.
All three of the above approaches are responses to the same problem: low sexual fulfillment. Low sexual fulfillment means that sex isn’t very enjoyable for you. You don’t see what all the fuss is about. You could take it or leave it, but preferably leave it because you might as well be reading a good book, folding laundry or catching some extra ZZZ’s.
The REAL problem is NOT that you don’t enjoy sex; it is that you have not learned HOW to relax and receive pleasure (with no strings attached).
LEARNING TO RELAX
Give yourself permission to slow down and relax, even if it means the kitchen floor remains un-swept. Relaxation begins with valuing yourself enough to allow yourself to be as you are. Once you’ve given yourself permission, recognize that relaxing is a skill that is LEARNED by practicing. With our multitasking tendencies, relaxing is a conscious choice. Make the choice to practice daily. And those of you proclaiming, “I don’t have time to relax”, need it the most.
Relaxing just takes a moment, because it’s simply a way of being present in your body. Focusing on your breathing releases tension and lowers your heart rate. Play is another great way to relax, find things to laugh about daily. For a more formal practice, take a yoga class that offers meditation. And if all else fails, there’s always merlot!
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RECEIVING PLEASURE FREELY
. Most of us are taught to associate receiving pleasure with shame or guilt. We think that pleasure must be earned, bought or acquired as a reward for our tireless efforts. Without realizing it most of us learn to associate female sexual pleasure (women enjoying sex) with being “slutty” or immoral. After all, how many of us have ever witnessed women enjoying sex who wasn’t a porn star? Hmmm.
So let’s rethink sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is a gift that is freely given to humankind to enrich our lives. Pleasure does not have to be earned or given by someone else. Pleasure is free. Pleasure is simply enjoying ALL of the wonderful sensations that can be experienced through the body and spirit. The ability to feel, taste, smell, touch, and hear are all avenues for pleasure.
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WHERE TO GO FROM HERE?
. Your relationship changes the instant you change. So, the next time you decide to become sexually intimate, take a moment to clear your mind with some deep, slow breaths. Become completely present in your body, release any stress, and allow yourself to completely forget about your daily “to-do” list. Now, give yourself permission to receive pleasure. Tell your partner what feels good with sounds, words and smiles. Or better yet, show your partner how you like to be touched. Guide his hand where you want it. If you’re not certain where and how you like to experience sexual pleasure, start by exploring your own body alone. Read Goddess my Guide article “How to use a vibrator.”
There is nothing to feel shameful or guilty about. Only good things come to the women and couples who use sensual aids. In fact, women who use vibrators experience many benefits that non-users do not, including greater sexual health, more fulfilling sexual relationships, less anxiety, increased sexual self-confidence and higher libido. Vibrators can be easily incorporated into lovemaking with your partner; in the same way you might use lingerie or music to enhance the experience. For help with introducing a sex toy into your relationship read my Goddess Guide article “How to introduce a vibrator into my relationship.”
It’s never too late! Simply give yourself permission to enjoy receiving pleasurable sensations during sex in much the same way as you might enjoy a rich, smooth, chilled piece of cheesecake or hearing your 4-year-old laugh uncontrollably at an episode of Sponge Bob. Life is rich with pleasure, add more sexual pleasure to your life and watch yourself and your relationship blossom!
10 observations about the nature of relationships (the short version)
You can’t make me happy (that’s my job)
You can’t make me unhappy (that’s also my job)
You can’t give me anything I don’t already have
You can’t save me from my life
We have no future together (only this moment)
You can’t promise me anything except that you can’t promise me anything
You’ll be faithful to me until you’re not faithful anymore
No matter what I want you to do – you’ll do exactly what you do anyway
No matter how hard I try, you’re never going to change (what I see is what I get.
You love me – and that doesn’t mean you’ll do what I want.
Here are 10 observations about the nature of relationships (and about human relationships in general) that can make your journey along the path of love a bit easier, a bit more joyful and a bit more loving. When you read these observations and contemplate them, please remember they don’t have anything to do with “right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad”, or “should” or “shouldn’t”. These observations are simply a description of the way things are, just like the law of gravity is a description of the ways things are.
Here are the 10 observations:
You can’t make me happy (that’s my job)
Most of us have been brought up to believe that the way we feel – whether we’re happy or unhappy – has something to do with the outer circumstances in our life. That the way we feel has something to do with our job, finances, health – or with our partner and relationship. And at first glance, it may seem that this is the way things hang together. Because when something happens in the outer world, for example when our partner says or does something, we usually also do react and feel something. Maybe we feel good or maybe we feel discomfort, maybe we feel happy or maybe we feel sad. So this might seem to indicate that what our partner says or does is the reason for the way we feel and react.
But it this really true? Is it really true that what our partner says or does is the cause of our reaction?
Let’s take an example. Let’s say your boyfriend promised to call you this evening and he doesn’t. How does this make you feel? How do you react? Are you sad? Worried? Angry? Or are you relieved because you had other plans? And if this happens to 10 different women, will they all react the same way as you? No obviously not.
So the fact that people react differently to the exact same event shows us that the cause of our reaction cannot be in the event itself. Because if it was – if the event itself was the cause of our reaction – then every human being would react in the exact same way to the same event. But the reality is people don’t. This shows us that there must be another cause or reason for the way we react. And since this cause is not in the event itself, the cause must be somewhere else – namely in our minds. The cause must be in the way we think or you could say in the way each of us individually interprets what’s going on.
When you understand this and the cause-and-effect relationship between your thinking and your reaction, you will also understand why I can say that your partner cannot make you happy or unhappy. This is because the real cause of why you feel like you feel – the real reason why you’re happy or unhappy – is to be found in your interpretations of things, in other words in your thinking. And this mechanism is equally true for everyone, including your partner.
For more about this observation, see the chapter “The only thing you can experience in your relationship is your own thinking” on page xx.
You can’t make me unhappy (that’s also my job)
Since my partner can’t make me happy because the cause lies in my own thinking, it also means my partner can’t make me unhappy either. Only my thinking can do this since my thinking determines how I feel.
What a relief to find out that my partner is not responsible for the way I feel or for what I’m thinking. (The reverse is also true: I’m not responsible for the way my partner feels either!)
This observation doesn’t mean that we can’t talk things over with our partners and be as kind, respectful and supportive of each other as we can. This observation is simply based on the fact that in the final analysis, the responsibility for the way I feel is to be found in my own thinking and in my own interpretation of events and of what my partners does or doesn’t do.
So you can’t make me unhappy. And I can’t make you unhappy.
What a relief!
You can’t give me anything I don’t already have
This observation is the most important of the 10 observations about the nature of relationships. And it says: Each one of us is already whole and complete in and of ourselves. Each one of us already is all the love and happiness we are seeking. This is so important to understand because when we see this and understand that love is our true nature, so many of the collective myths about relationships and love simply crumble.
Unfortunately, when you believe our collective myths about relationships which say you are lacking something which only another person can give you – then it becomes very difficult to be a human being (in general) and to be in a relationship (in particular). The belief that another person can give you what you lack makes you a victim in your own life and leads to insecurity, neediness and low self-esteem. And with this comes jealousy, possessiveness, control, manipulation and many of the behavioral traits that can really ruin a relationship for both you and your partner. Because regardless of how much attention, time and energy your partner gives you, you’ll never really be satisfied because the basic problem is not what your partner does or doesn’t do but your own insecurity and neediness.
When, however, you are conscious of the fact that both you and your partner are already whole and complete all by yourselves, then a relationship is no longer about two half people who are desperately trying to fill up the painful emptiness inside each other but rather about two whole human beings who are enjoying themselves together on the path of love.
You can’t save me from my life
This observation is based on the realization that in the final analysis, each of us has to deal with life and everything that happens to us on our own. Each and every one of us must figure out what to do with our lives. Each and every one of us must discover how to deal with the issues of money, work, career, family, home, and the world. And this is something our partners can’t do or fix for us – nor can our relationship. (This doesn’t mean we can’t help and support each other in life and on the path of love.)
But if you try to use your relationship to save you from your life, you’re bound for trouble. If you try to use your relationship to avoid facing challenges in life because you have stressful thoughts about your own ability to manage in life, well then again you’re heading for trouble. Quite simply because no relationship can do this for you. No relationship can save you from yourself.
For more about this observation, see the chapter “Are you in a relationship that’s not good for you?” on page xx.
We have no future together (only this moment)
This observation is based on the recognition that a relationship – just like everything else in life – is something that is happening now, in the present moment. The past is a thought you are having – now, in the present moment. The future is a thought you are having – now, in the present moment. The only thing you ever have is now.
This means if you use a lot of your mental energy thinking about the future, you miss the only thing you ever really have, which is now, the present moment. If you are always thinking about what you are going to do in the future as a couple or about what a relationship will lead to in the future, you are again missing the only thing two people really can have together which is this moment. Two people who are walking, talking, touching, being together, making love – right now.
This doesn’t mean you can’t make plans for the future together. It just means it becomes problematic when we focus so much on the future and on where a relationship is going that we miss the wonder of the present moment and end up living as if the now is only a stepping stone on the way to some future goal. Because then what happens? After all your stress and strain and hard work when you finally have the perfect 2½ kids, the perfect dream house, the perfect pension plan, the perfect designer kitchen and it’s time to lean back and enjoy life – the idiot comes home and asks for a divorce because he’s fallen in love with a younger woman!
So it’s a good idea to keep mainly focused on whatever the two of you have going for you right now, in this moment. Because in fact, it’s the only thing you actually do have. And the interesting thing is… when you begin to notice this, you may be pleasantly surprised to find out how much this really is – right here, right now.
And wasn’t that why you wanted to be in a relationship in the first place – because you want to be happy? So remember to ask yourself – when is the only time you can actually be happy? Isn’t it right now? Isn’t it impossible to be happy somewhere out in the future?
Now is the only time you can ever be happy in your relationship.
So if not now – then when?
You can’t promise me anything except that you can’t promise me anything
This observation points to the fact that even though we as a couple have promised ourselves so many things such as we’ll be together until death do us part – the reality is that neither of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Or if we’ll be able to keep our promises!
So why promise something or anything if you don’t know for sure if you can keep your promise? Why, for example, promise you won’t ever change when the reality is that people and things and relationships do change… sooner or later.
For more about this observation, see the chapter “Who needs ‘commitment’ when you have reality?” on page xx.
And this also means….
You’ll be faithful to me until you’re not faithful anymore
Pretty obvious when you think about it. Just look at the divorce statistics!
No matter what I want you to do – you’ll do exactly what you do anyway
With this observation, I don’t mean you can’t ask your partner for what you want. In fact it’s very important to learn to ask your partner for what you want. Remember your partner isn’t a mind reader (see the chapter “Your partner isn’t a mind reader” on page xx for more about this).
This observation is based on the simple fact that after you have asked your partner for what you want, your partner will do precisely what he or she is doing or not doing. What your partner does is completely out of your control. The only thing you have control over (besides what you do) is what you ask your partner for. And how you choose to react in relation to what your partner does or doesn’t do. Because once you’ve made a request your job is done. Then if your partner happens to refuse your request, well then again it’s up to you to decide what to do in relation to this. So your partner won’t give you what you want. What will you do about it? Will you ask again later? Or will you ask someone else for what you want? Or will you try to give yourself whatever you want, by yourself? Or maybe – if it’s very important for you to have a partner who gives you what you asked for – you’ll find a new partner who will give you what you want. It’s all up to you.
For more about this observation see the chapter “Who would your partner be if you got your way?” on page xx.
No matter how hard I try, you’re never going to change (what I see is what I get)
The reality is you are exactly the way you are, right now. The reality is your partner is exactly the way he or she is, right now. But how many of us really base our relationships on this fact? Unfortunately, many of us base our relationships on the idea or hope that if we work hard enough on our partner, he or she will eventually change! And how often does this happen? How often do our partners actually change and become the people we want them to be?
So who would you be in your relationship right now if you based your behavior on how your partner really is (and I mean really is) right NOW – and not on some hope for a change for the better? Who would you be if you simply couldn’t believe that your partner would ever change? If you knew that what you see right now is all you are ever going to get??? Now and forever? For many people, realizing this can be quite an eye-opener.
I call it a reality check!
(Some years ago, I did a workshop in Sweden with Barbara Berger with more than 100 women attending. We did an exercise where all the participants were asked to explore how they would be in their relationships if they looked reality in the eye when it came to their partners and accepted the fact that their partners would never change. After the workshop, four of the women came up to us and told us they had decided to leave their husbands immediately! Several other women had the opposite reaction and told us about the positive changes they were going to make in their relationships now that they had actually looked at the reality of who their men really were instead of focusing on some hopelessly unrealistic expectations to their partners!)
This observation can also help us become more aware of another important thing when it comes to relationships – namely the only thing we can ever change is us! You can only change you! But you can’t change your partner – no matter how hard you try!
What a relief to find this out!
For more about how to become more aware of the difference between reality and your expectations to your partner, see the chapter “Expectations & Reality” on page xx.
You love me – and that doesn’t mean you’ll do what I want
As I wrote in the chapter “Are women to blame for all the porn?” on page xx, one of the most painful myths about relationships is the myth that “if you love me, you’ll do what I want”. If you look closely, you’ll see that this myth has nothing to do with reality when it comes to relationships. If you look closely you’ll see that yes, people in relationships do love each other. But does this mean they always want the same thing? Or are always in agreement? Absolutely not! So the belief in this myth can really lead to a lot of confusion and unhappiness in relationships.
Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.
William Shakespeare
7 Factors That Influence the Quality and Life-Span of Romantic Relationships and Marriage
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When most adults embark upon a new romantic relationship, they do so with the best intentions in mind. Yet most romantic relationships usually fail within the first three months, others break down within the first year and some that last longer and even lead to marriage create more pain than happiness. People often wonder why. Things looked so good at first! “It was love at first sight”, “we had such great chemistry in the beginning”, “we had so much fun the night we met”, they frequently will say.
Truly, it does seem like a great mystery why some relationships succeed and thrive while other relationships fail miserably or become such a great source of strife and sorrow. Relationships are dynamic, they tend to take on a life of their own and it’s really hard to pinpoint what went right or wrong after some months or years. There are some factors, though, which play a significant role in the quality and life-span of relationships, factors that influence our relationships in often invisible and unnoticeable ways, sometimes nurturing them, sometimes undermining them. What are these factors?
Self-esteem. I cannot stress enough the importance of entering a relationship with relatively healthy self-esteem. What is healthy self-esteem? Self-esteem must not be confused with self-confidence which is based on our more external characteristics or abilities. Healthy self-esteem is the sense that we are acceptable, likable, lovable and worthy as individuals. Unhealthy self-esteem distorts our perception, narrows our choices, constricts our behavior, lowers our standards, causes us to make compromises we don’t have to make, makes us “impossible” as partners with our extreme neediness and insecurity, and invites what we are most afraid of. If you feel that you do not have healthy self-esteem and if you recognize that this has often led you to wrong choices or kept you in unhealthy relationships, then invest in yourself and consider having some therapy to address your issues whatever they may be before entering a new relationship. It’s an investment in your self and your future happinessyou will never regret.
Self-knowledge. We all have a sense of “who we are”, but it would be very helpful if we sat down and thought about “who we are” as if we had been asked by someone to give a thorough description of ourselves: our positive/negative traits, our abilities, our needs and desires, our preferences and dislikes, our values, our goals, ourdreams, our world-view. Knowing who you are automatically helps you see who you are a good match to and who is a good match for you, which leads us to our next factor:
Compatibility. It’s an obvious fact that not all people are alike. There is not only one type of a healthy personality, but many different types and many personality styles and not all are compatible between them. For example, an order-loving, cleanliness freak, a person whose life is constructed upon a lot of cultural “shoulds” and “musts” will have a very hard time getting along with a sloppy, chaotic and freedom-loving, non-conformist artist, even though the initial attraction and chemistry may be immense precisely because of these differences.
A lot of other variables may affect compatibility: social status or background, religious/cultural background, differences in educational level, values, a big age difference, past experiences, life-goals, etc. Family background also plays a very significant role: a person who comes from a broken family, for example, may not trust relationships, may not invest emotionally in relationships as much as a person coming from a family which stuck it out together to the end, may not have internalized the meaning of the institution of marriage in quite the same way as a person coming from a familywhere “marriage is forever”.
Timing.Frequently, a relationship fails because of poor timing. One partner is too involved with his/her studies, business, career for a certain period of his/her life and cannot or does not want to invest time and energy into a relationship, even though he/she may like a person very much. If that is the case, and you soon realize that this condition is not going to change for a while, instead of doing what people usually do – nagging, blaming, clinging, etc – let go and move on. That’s where good self-esteem comes in (I can find someone else) that’s where self-knowledge comes in (I know my needs, desires and preferences) and that’s where compatibility comes in (we have different needs but we are both OK).
True Attraction. Many times people go into a relationship not because they have met someone really special they want to be with, but because they feel lonely, or have been alone for some time and think that they “have” to have a relationship to seem normal and be socially accepted. I’m not suggesting that you stay alone, drowning in loneliness, frustration and isolation while waiting for the Ideal Person to come along! What I am suggesting, though, is that if you just rush into a relationship ignoring some red flags hoping they will go away, they won’t and pretty soon you will again find yourself out of a relationship!
Sexual Satisfaction. Another factor that often gets overlooked (except when it comes up in the therapist’s office) is sexual compatibility and satisfaction, and this is an area in which women especially shortchange themselves, many times out of a silly tendency to protect the male ego. Sexual satisfaction is the glue that holds a relationship together, and its lack is a deadly virus that breaks out into all sorts of ugly symptoms (chronic resentment, temper tantrums, passive-aggressive behaviors like constant nagging about irrelevant issues, infidelity, etc).
If you are at the beginning of a relationship and his/her sexual characteristics, body language, sexual/sensual expression are not as you would like them to be, do both of you a favor, end the relationship and move on. If from the start you don’t naturally and spontaneously hit it off, you never will – proof of this are all the sex manuals in circulation trying to cure the problem after the fact. There are perfect, multiple sexual matches for all of us out there and we do not have to compromise, or lie to ourselves or our partner.
Adequate healing time between relationships. Before planting the seed of a new love, we must take some time to weed our soil, purify our hearts from memories of past hurts, fears and sorrows by forgiving the past, blessing it for the wisdom it has offered us, and letting it go. Many people make the mistake of thinking that the only way to cure a broken heart is to fall in love with someone else immediately or, at any rate, find a substitute for the missing partner right away. Rebound relationships never work, because it takes some time for a jilted or abandoned partner to regain their inner balance, to mend the little holes and tears in their self-esteem and enter a new relationship with a clear and unburdened heart. Usually, the rebound relationship is still about “the ex” much more than it is about the new person we have met.
Ideally, romantic relationships are unions between two individuals’ hearts, bodies, souls, spirits and minds. I believe that knowing the factors that may affect them in various degrees helps us understand our past mistakes and prevents us from repeating them over and over again by helping us gain more clarity and insight into the complexity of relationships that often evades our perception.
The only relationship that lasts your whole life and can never end is the relationship you have with yourself. Just think about it. It’s so obvious that many of us don’t notice it. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, no matter where you are, no matter what time of day it is, you’re always with you! No matter how hard you try, you can’t get rid of yourself! That’s why sometimes, like when I’m travelling, I find myself laughing and saying to myself: “Wherever I go – there I am!”
The relationship you have with yourself is the only relationship you’re in that lasts your whole life. One could say you’re married to yourself and it’s not possible to get a divorce! You always go to bed with you and you always wake up with you. Whether you are alone or with other people, you’re always with you.
You, you, you!
But just how good is your relationship with yourself?
If you looked at your relationship with yourself in the same way you look at your relationship with someone else – like with a partner or a good friend – well just how good would you say your relationship with yourself is? Do you enjoy your own company? Are you a good friend to yourself? Do you love and accept yourself the way you probably hope a partner or a good friend will love and accept you?
Do you support yourself and respect yourself the way you probably want other people to support and respect you? Do you understand yourself and your thoughts and emotions? Do you understand and sympathize with the life you’ve had and the life you’re having right now? And how understanding are you when it comes to the challenges you are facing at the moment? And are you as faithful to yourself, your heart and dreams as you would probably want your partner to be towards you and your dreams? Can you honestly say to yourself that you will “have and hold yourself … for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health … that you will love and cherish yourself …” – for the rest of your life?
So how good is your relationship with yourself?
A good way to find out is to regularly spend some time alone with yourself in silence. All by yourself, in the silence. With no activity or talking. With no radio, music, books, magazines, television or computer to distract you. Just the two of you. You with you. Sitting in a chair, doing nothing. Just looking and feeling. In the silence. This moment. Who are you? What are your thoughts? How do you feel? How are you? Take the time to notice. Take the time to really be with you.
If you don’t like being alone with yourself, why should anyone else?
If you don’t have a good relationship with the person you are closer to than anyone else in life, the person you are always with, how can you have a good relationship with other people? If you don’t have a loving, accepting, supportive and understanding relationship with yourself, how can you have a loving, accepting, supportive and understanding relationship with other people? Or them with you? It simply can’t be done. Because the relationship you have with yourself – for better or for worse – is also the relationship you have with other people. The relationship you have with other people – for better or for worse – is also the relationship you have with yourself.
Many years ago I went to a lecture with the Indian master Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. One of the people at the talk was unhappy because he didn’t have a partner and he asked Ravi Shankar what he could do to get a partner. Ravi Shankar laughed and said: “The reason why you are looking for a partner is because you are so bored in your own company. And if you’re bored in your own company, just think how bored other people must be when they are with you!”
Master Shankar had a good point there. We are often so focused on getting what we want – good company, fun, warmth, love, support, friendship – from a partner that we completely forget that 24 hours a day, seven days of the week, each of us always has someone by our side that can give us all the things we want a partner to give us.
Namely ourselves!
If we don’t give ourselves the things we want a partner to give us, if we ourselves are not the loving, fun, inspiring, supportive, friendly person we hope our partner will be, why on earth would another human being be interested in hanging out with us!?
This is why it’s a good idea (as Ravi Shankar said to this man) to start giving yourself what you want a partner to give you and to work on being the wonderful person that you want a partner to be for you.
One of the ways you can do this is by making a list of the things you want a partner to be and do for you. For example:
I want a partner who (or I want my partner to) …
Love me unconditionally
Support me
Understand me
Be interested in what I do
Be fun and adventurous
Be loving and kind
Be a good friend
Take care of me and protect me
Be totally honest with me
And so forth.
And then be the partner you seek. Give yourself what you want a partner or your partner to give you:
Love yourself unconditionally
Support yourself
Understand yourself
Be interested in what you do
Be fun and adventurous
Be loving and kind
Be a good friend to yourself
Take care of yourself and protect yourself
Be totally honest with yourself
And so forth.
Can you do that? As you may discover, it’s easier said than done! But on the other hand, if you can’t do it, why would another person be interested in or even capable of doing this? Just think about it – we’re talking about another person who doesn’t even remotely have the same qualifications as you to know what you think, feel and want!
Fortunately for us, life is designed in such a way that each one of us has all the necessary qualifications to give ourselves precisely and exactly what we want another person to give us! It’s really very simple because no one knows more about us than we do. Nobody knows better than you what kind of music you like. Nobody knows better than you what you like having for breakfast. Nobody knows better than you what you have been through in your life. Nobody knows better than you what you need right now. So why not give it to yourself?
It’s also a good idea when you’re with other people to work on being the kind of person or partner you want other people or your partner to be towards you. If you want your partner to be honest, then you be honest with your partner and the people in your life. If you want your partner to understand you, then you try to understand your partner and the people in your life.
Is a relationship only a success if it lasts until “death do us part”?
One day I was sitting with a client helping her investigate her thoughts about her ex-husband. She and her ex had divorced some years earlier and ever since she’d felt that their relationship (they’d been married for 10 years and had three lovely kids) had been a failure.
I asked her why she thought their relationship had been a failure and she looked at me as if I was really dense. Obviously, she said, because it ended.
When I asked her if she felt the same about the relationships she had before her marriage, she said that yes, they too had been failures. Because, she said, if a relationship ends, it must be a sign that it wasn’t successful. My client believed that a relationship was only a success if it lasts until “death do us part”.
Of course she’s not alone when it comes to this belief. As a matter of fact most of us believe this to a greater or lesser degree. And this belief has some lovely sub-beliefs such as: “The longer a relationship lasts, the better” and “People who are in one long-term relationship are happier than people who have been in several shorter relationships.”
These interesting beliefs, which so many of us have, can lead to some pretty unhappy consequences. For those like my client, who are in a relationship that ends at some point, this belief often results in feeling the relationship was a failure. For others, this belief can make them stay in an unhappy relationship or marriage despite the fact that the people have grown apart and the relationship is no longer working.
But is this strong collective belief about relationships true? Does it have anything to do with reality when it comes to men and women? And how did this belief arise in the first place?
One of the main reasons for the belief that a relationship is a failure if it ends (whether it’s after three months, three years or 30 years) is probably because very few couples break up when things are going really well in their relationship. Most couples part ways when the relationship is no longer working or when people have grown apart. You rarely hear someone say that his or her relationship ended because: “Things were just going so well – you know we were best friends and had a great sex life – so we decided to break up!” No, that’s not the way it works for most people!
So it’s not hard to understand how many of us get the idea that a relationship which has ended is a failure. Also because we tend to remember the end times of the relationship when things were no longer working and forget the many months or years when we shared good times together.
Another powerful reason why this belief has arisen can be found in the words of our Christian marriage vows:
“Do you … take … to be your lawfully wedded Wife/Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part …”
But just how much do these words have to do with the reality of life in the 21st century and with modern-day relationships?
Let’s compare the reality of women and men today with the time when this marriage vow arose. (The precise date of origin of this widely used marriage vow is not known, but sources indicate that it dates back to the Apostle Paul’s idea of men and women almost 2,000 years ago!)
– When you investigate a little more, you discover that this wedding vow comes from a time when women had no freedom or independence at all and were more or less just a piece of merchandise for men. The marriage ceremony merely sealed a business transaction between men. “I’ll give you 10 oxen and 80 chickens for your second daughter”. And the words “till death do you part” were just another way of saying that the woman was now the property of the new man until her death (and there was no such thing as “divorce” back then!).
– In contrast to then, women today (at least in the Western world) have as much freedom as men to live and create their own lives. They can decide who they want to be in a relationship with and they can leave a relationship if it is not satisfactory to them.
– When this wedding vow was born, the average life span was also a lot shorter than it is today. So for a couple to be together “till death do you part” back then was not as long as it is for couples today! Today, with our improved living standard, “till death do you part” can be a very long time indeed!
– Another important difference between then and now is that because of our longer life span, men and women today typically go through several “incarnations” during the course of one life. Not only do many of us have several jobs or even careers during one lifetime, many of us are also evolving very quickly on the inner plane. It’s as if we go through several phases or “lives” in just one lifetime. So why shouldn’t it be the same when it comes to relationships?
So as you can see, there is a world of difference between the reality of life today and the way society operated when this marriage wow was born.
So how would we feel if we lived more in harmony with reality when it comes to our changing relationships?
How would you feel if you viewed your relationships in the same way you probably view your career? When you think of your career, you probably feel it’s pretty normal to go through various phases and periods – with changing workplaces and colleagues. When you start a new career path, you don’t necessarily feel the old career path was a failure, you probably just feel you’ve grown and changed course and now want to try something new.
So how would you feel if you viewed a relationship that ended in the same way? If you viewed it as a sign that you had received the gifts and lessons you were supposed to receive from this experience and were now ready to pass on to something new, something different, and maybe something even better? In other words, if you saw a relationship as complete when it was over, as a success for being exactly what it was for you – instead of as a failure just because it ended?
Not only is Club “Shouldsville” (quite literally) the hottest place in town, it’s a very special place – a lounge the Devil himself has reserved for the unhappiest VIP members in relationship hell. The entrance requirements for the club are actually quite straightforward. To become a VIP member of Club Shouldsville, you must constantly suffer from the belief that one “should” and “should not” say and do certain things in relationships. And since reality almost never lives up to most people’s expectations and ideas about how their partners and their relationships “should” or “shouldn’t” be, there are actually quite a lot of people who easily meet the entrance requirements of Club Shouldsville. Once admitted, Club Shouldsville is the place where all the “shouldists” can stamp and scream and wail and whine over the fact that their partners and their relationships are simply not living up to their ideas of what they think they “should” be.
So you can see Club Shouldsville is a truly hellish corner of relationship hell. It’s either sizzling like a furnace (for those who are frustrated or furious at their partners) or freezing cold (for those who love giving their partners the silent treatment and icy stares or sarcastic remarks that sting like hell). The interior design of the Club is pretty radical too. In one corner of the VIP club, there are stacks of broken dishes for people who need to vent their rage at their impossible partners. And for the most extreme members, there is the “Blood & Gore” corner with dolls that members can smash and trash and beat up all they want. And of course there’s also the trendiest bar in town with everything the heart desires when it comes to booze, pills, smokes, and drugs for all the unhappy souls who want to drown their sorrow, pain and anger.
Another important entrance requirement to Club Shouldsville is that potential members do not know the difference between “I want”, “I have to” and “I should”. People who qualify for membership tend to mix the three together. Members of the club simply do not understand that “I want” is a free choice that often leads to “I have to”. Here’s a simple example of what club members fail to understand. Let’s say “I want” to earn enough money every month so I can pay the rent and go to the movies once in a while. If that’s the case then “I have to” do something to earn the money – like going to work every day from nine to five. But there are no “shoulds” involved here. It doesn’t say anywhere that “I should” or “shouldn’t” have money enough to pay my rent and go to the movies. There’s no law that says this. It’s something I choose to do because “I want” to have enough money every month for my rent and the occasional movie.
In reality, the same holds true in relationships. There are no “shoulds” when it comes to relationships either. For example, when my girlfriend asks me to go with her to her family get-together this weekend, I can go or not go. There are no “shoulds” involved. But if my girlfriend tells me my going is a requirement if I want to be in a relationship with her – well then I have to make up my mind whether I want to or not. In other words, I have to decide if I am willing to pay the price for having her as my girlfriend. And if going to the family event is the price and “I want” her to be my girlfriend, then “I have to” go. It’s that simple. It’s a straightforward exchange. But there are no “shoulds” involved – even if my girlfriend or I believe otherwise. Even if we believe that this is something one “should” do if one is a decent human being, if one really loves someone, or some other similar story. But in reality, there are no “shoulds” involved.
But as you can guess, members of Club Shouldsville seem to lack the ability to look at life in this realistic manner. They simply can’t do it. Unfortunately their inner mythbusting antenna is busted so they can’t see the difference between reality and their thoughts and beliefs about what one “should” and “shouldn’t” do in a relationship. Instead they believe their thoughts with the same dedication and passion as the most die-hard fundamentalists. And anyone who questions their “shoulds” is threatened with… eternal damnation in relationship hell.
But of course it doesn’t work like that.
The only ones who go straight to relationship hell are the “shouldists” themselves, where they can hang out permanently, torturing themselves around the clock.
Right now Club Shouldsville is opening its doors for a new wave of VIP members. Do you know any potential candidates? Or what about you?
Most of us have lots of ideas about how we’d like our partners to be. Ideas about what he or she “should” say or do (or not say or not do) so that we can be happy. Ideas about how they should change or live their lives – ideas about what is right or wrong for them – and so on.
But you may have noticed that no matter how hard we try, the reality is that our partners seldom follow our orders or do what we want them to do. Our partners just think what they think, say what they say, and do what they do – and they seldom change no matter how hard we try to get them to change.
The other day it struck me that this is in fact a really good thing. Because who would your partner be if you got things your way?
Who would your partner be if you – like some kind of God – were allowed to control the Universe and dictate how your partner should think, talk, act and live his or her life? For sure your partner wouldn’t be the person he or she is right now, right? If you think about it, your partner wouldn’t even be a person at all but rather a brain-dead slobbering robot sitting in the corner with saliva dribbling out of the corner of his mouth, waiting for your next command. “Yes master, what is your command master…?”
And if you turn it around… who would you be if your partner got his way when it comes to you?
Who would you be if your partner – like some kind of God – could dictate and decide what you should think, say and do? It’s a terrible thought isn’t it? You wouldn’t be yourself any more but more like a vegetable or a tamed animal in a golden cage just sitting there with a chain around your neck and shackles on your feet while you were told what to do.
Ugh… what a thought!
That’s why the fact that we have absolutely no control over each other – no control over our partners or the other people in our lives – is such a good and wonderful thing. God couldn’t have created anything more perfect. And in fact that’s exactly how God did create it!
The only thing you can experience in your relationship is your own thinking
Have you ever asked yourself why you want to be in a relationship? If you have, or if you ask yourself now, you’ll probably discover that the answer is because you want to be happy. That’s what we all want – what everyone wants – to be happy. And that is precisely what this book is about. How you can live a happy life. And by that I mean how you can be happy …
– No matter what your partner says or does (or doesn’t say or do!)
– No matter what happens or doesn’t happen in your relationship
– Whether you are with your partner or not
When you read this you might think: “Whoa… Wait a minute there – that’s just not possible! You can’t be happy regardless of what’s going on in your relationship! It’s simply not possible and it’s inhuman to boot!”
And I would say, well yes, you’re right. As long as you believe all your thoughts about your relationship and about your partner, you are right, it’s impossible. As long as you believe in all the universal myths about relationships and love, then yes again, you are definitely right. It’s just not possible to be happy no matter what happens in your relationship when you believe this kind of thinking.
This is because, as I wrote in the Introduction, it is your thinking that determines your experience of your life. And it is your thinking that determines how you experience your relationship and your partner. It’s also your thinking that determines whether you are happy or unhappy in your relationship – not your partner or your current relationship status.
Now I realize that this might sound radical, especially because most of us have been taught (programmed) from our early childhood to believe the opposite is true. We have been told, over and over again that our happiness (or unhappiness) is dependent on outside circumstances such as our partner or what our partner says and does (or rather doesn’t say or do!).
But is this really true? Is it really true that our happiness depends on outer circumstances? Is it really true that our happiness depends on our relationship and on the way our partners behave? Is it true what our collective myths tell us about the nature of relationships?
This is a rather important question, isn’t it? Especially since your happiness and mine are at stake!
So let’s take a closer look at this very important question.
Why do you sometimes feel happy in your relationship and why do you sometimes feel unhappy and upset? Is it because of your partner or what?
In order to get a little more clarity on this very important issue, let’s look at what the reality is when it comes to this thing called relationships. Let’s look at what the reality is when it comes to your relationship and the relationships of every other man and woman on the planet. By doing this, it will be easier for you to understand why you sometimes feel happy in your relationship and sometimes quite unhappy.
The truth about relationships
If you look carefully at what’s going on, you will see that when it comes to your relationship and your partner at the moment, the reality is your relationship is exactly the way it is right now. That is the reality or the truth of the matter. Plain and simple. Now this is not a question about right or wrong or how things “should” or “shouldn’t” be. I’m just talking about the reality of what is when it comes to you and your relationship right now. Not what you think it “should” be. Not what you think it “could” be. Not what you hope it will be. But simply what it is right now.
So what is the reality right now when it comes to you and relationships? It’s actually quite simple when you look at it this way. The reality is that right now you are either in a relationship or you’re not. That’s reality. Plain and simple. And right now, at this very moment, there’s nothing you can do about it. Yes, of course if you’re single, you can try to find a partner and go to the nearest dating site or hang out at a singles club. And maybe you’ll find someone and maybe you won’t, but the reality is that right now you are either single or you’re in a relationship. That’s it. Plain and simple.
And if you are in a relationship then the reality is that right now you are either with your partner or you’re not. Again that’s reality. Plain and simple. And if you’re not with your partner at the moment and would like to be, well then you can call him and ask him if he wants to come over or ask him to come home if you live together. And maybe he will, maybe he won’t. But right now, in this moment, the reality is that you’re not with your partner. Or else you are.
If you are in a relationship, then the reality is also that your partner is exactly the way he or she happens to be. And that means your partner says and does exactly what he or she happens to say or do (or doesn’t say or do!). He either picks his nose or he doesn’t. He either helps with the dishes or he doesn’t. He either watches a lot of TV or he doesn’t. He’s either interested in self-help and personal development or he’s not. He’s either the type who brings you flowers and chocolate or he isn’t. That is also the reality right now. Plain and simple. Your partner is the way he or she happens to be. Not the way you think he or she “should” be. Not the way you hope or believe or expect him or her to be, but simply the way he or she is. That’s the reality of it. And yes, of course you can ask your partner for what you want, and yes, of course you can suggest changes if you think there’s a better way of doing things. But when all is said and done, when you’ve done whatever you can do, you’re still left with the reality of the way things are right now. Which is that your partner is exactly the way your partner is right now.
That’s reality. That’s the truth about your relationship – and about every relationship. It is the way it is.
But what about happiness?
Well what about it?
If you take a closer look at what you are thinking (for example, about your partner) and at the cause-and-effect-relationship between your thinking and your experience, you will also discover that you can only be unhappy if you believe your partner should be different than the way he or she really is. In other words, when you believe that reality – for example the way your partner is right now – should be different than it is.
Every time you believe that reality should be different than it is right now, you suffer. It’s actually that simple. So every time you feel unhappy in your relationship you can know that you are resisting the reality. You can know that your thinking is not in harmony with the way things are.
Because as we just saw, when it comes to you and relationships, the way it is… is the way it is. That’s reality. You’re either single or in a relationship. You’re either with your partner right now or not. Your partner either does this or does that. That’s the way of it right now. And every time you believe that things should be different than they are, every time you believe that your relationship or your partner should be different than he or she is right now, you get frustrated and upset.
So if you believe the thought that your partner shouldn’t spend so much time surfing the Internet – and the reality is that he does (no matter how many times you asked him not to) – what happens? You feel angry and frustrated because you are resisting what is. So maybe you lash out at him or sneer at him; maybe you are distant and cold. In short: YOU become unhappy. YOU feel bad.
So how would you feel if you couldn’t believe the thought that your partner shouldn’t spend so much time surfing the Internet? (And this doesn’t mean you can’t ask him for what you want. You can.) But if he continues to do what he does, how would you feel if you accepted the reality, which is you have a partner who spends a lot of time surfing the Internet (or anyway more time than you think he should)? How would you feel if you saw and accepted the reality? Wouldn’t you feel a lot more peaceful? Wouldn’t you feel more relaxed? Wouldn’t you feel less resistance to what’s going on and maybe more love too? And how would that affect your relationship? How would that affect the way you treat your partner? Can you find that in yourself? Maybe you’d be a just little more lighthearted in your interactions with your partner, a little more joyous… In short: Maybe YOU’D feel better, happier. (And again this doesn’t mean that you can’t have preferences and walk away if you really don’t want a partner who spends so much time at the computer. This doesn’t mean you can’t leave and try to find a partner who is more compatible with your preferences.)
It all depends on your thinking
When you look at the example above, you’ll see that no matter how you react, the reality of the situation and your partner is 100% percent the same. When you believe your partner shouldn’t spend so much time at his computer, the reality is the same – he does spend a lot of time (or more time than you think he should be spending). And when you don’t believe your thinking and accept how much time he spends at his computer, the reality is still the same – he’s still spending the same amount of time there. No matter how you look at it, the reality is exactly the same. The only difference is YOU. Either you feel frustrated and unhappy or you feel relaxed and happy.
So you have the same reality with two very different interpretations. And as a result, you have two very different life experiences. That’s it. The only difference is your thinking. It’s your interpretation that determines how you feel about the time your partner spends at the computer. It’s your thinking that determines whether you feel bad about it or not. Not what your partner does or doesn’t do.
The same goes for any other situation you may experience in your relationship. If your partner says or does something, it’s your thinking that determines how you experience what your partner says or does – not what your partner is actually saying or doing.
If you don’t believe this is true, just take a look at the people around you. And notice how some people are perfectly fine with a partner who behaves the way your partner behaves, while others are really upset by the same behavior. So what’s the difference? Only our interpretation of what’s going on.
And if your partner leaves you or is together with someone else, it’s still your thinking which determines how you feel about the situation and not the fact that your partner has left or is with someone else. Because again, some people brush off something like that easily while others fall into the deepest despair. Again, what’s the difference? Only your interpretation. And if you happen to be single, again it’s your thinking that determines how you feel about being single – and not the fact that you are single. Because again, some people enjoy being single while others really have a hard time with it. So again, it’s our thinking that determines how we react – not our partner or lack of one.
Many people find this hard to understand at first because most of us have been taught from childhood to believe that outer circumstances are the cause of the way we feel. But if you carefully examine what’s going on and understand the way your mind works, you will see that it’s not outer circumstances which determine the way you feel at all! It’s your thinking and your interpretation of what’s going on that is the cause of the way you feel. And only always.
The key to your happiness is in you
If you understand this, then you can also understand why I said in the beginning of this chapter that it is possible to be happy no matter what is happening in your relationship. This is true because the cause of your happiness or unhappiness is your own thinking – not outer circumstances or your partner. And if you think deeply about this, you will also see that this is actually good news. Very good news! Because it means that the key to your happiness lies within YOU! Yes – in YOU! Not with your partner!
This is pretty amazing when you think about it.
Because it makes you responsible for you – and not your partner!
And just think how terrible it would be if the opposite was true! Just think about how terrible it would be if your partner really was responsible for your happiness! Just think about what a nervous wreck you’d be if this really was the case. (Which also makes it easier to understand why so many people are so unhappy in their relationships! Yes because they actually do believe that their happiness is dependent on what their partners do or don’t do… and ouch! That really hurts.)
So yup, the “Devil” (our confused thinking) sure has done a number on us!
But fortunately for us… we can wake up! We can wake up and see that in reality, the cause of our happiness or unhappiness has nothing to do with outer circumstances or with our partners, but with our own thinking. And this is good news because you can do something about your own thinking. You can become aware of your thinking and then, if you are feeling unhappy, you can investigate your thoughts and work with them and even change them so that you feel better. And by this I mean you can bring your thinking more into harmony with reality and learn to see and accept the things which are beyond your control. Things like your partner. The more you do this, the more peace and happiness you will experience in your relationship. It’s really very simple.
This doesn’t mean you can’t strive to find the partner of your dreams or ask your present partner for what you want. No not at all. But whether you find your dream partner and whether your partner does what you want or not, is ultimately beyond your control. The only thing that is within your control is your own thinking. And fortunately for all of us, this truth is empowering…because our thinking is the key to our happiness.
Living in harmony with reality is not the same as being passive
When people hear this information for the first time, they sometimes say: “But does this mean I should just be passive? That I can’t have any wishes and preferences when it comes to relationships? That I should just accept things the way they are, and not actively work to improve things or create the life or relationship I want?”
The answer is absolutely no! It doesn’t mean that at all. If the reality is that your partner doesn’t do what you want, what’s the most constructive and healthy attitude you can take towards that reality? Is it:
Resistance: “I’ve asked my partner for what I want over and over again and he always says no. He’s such a jerk – he’s so selfish. All he thinks about is himself. If he really loved me, he’d do what I want. So I guess he doesn’t love me. If he did, he would do what I want.”
Acceptance: “I’ve asked my partner for what I want over and over again and he keeps saying no. So what do I do now? I could try asking him again next week or I could ask someone else for what I want. Or I could try to give myself what I want. That might be interesting. There are so many exciting options!”
Or if your partner left you, you could react with:
Resistance: “Oh my God, how could this happen to me? My partner left me! This shouldn’t be happening. She shouldn’t have left me, it’s not fair. How could she do this to me! I can’t stand it! I can’t stand being on my own. This is terrible.”
Acceptance: “My partner left me. It feels quite empty, but it’s an interesting new development. Not quite what I expected. There’s such a lot of extra space suddenly. Actually it’s pretty exciting. I can’t wait to see what new and interesting things and people flow into all this new space? I think I’ll start taking salsa lessons – never know who you’ll meet.”
Or if you’re single, you could react with:
Resistance: “I’m single and it’s terrible. I can’t stand being alone. I’ll never find a new partner. I’ll be alone for the rest of my days. Oh my God, my next date better be a good one or I don’t know what I’ll do.”
Acceptance: “I’m single now and it’s an interesting, new situation indeed! Why is my life better because I’m single? Hmmm… Well suddenly I have so much more time for myself. I wonder what’s the best and most exciting way I can use all this new time? There are so many possibilities… wow. It’ll be interesting to see if I meet someone new.”
As you can see from the above examples, the reality in all these cases is the same. Something happens and then you’re either at war with the situation or you’re living in harmony with it. The reality is just the way it is. You’ve asked your partner for what you want and he said no. Or your partner has left you. Or you’re single. And there’s nothing you can do about it at the moment. That’s the way your reality is right now. You can stomp and holler and resist all you want, but it won’t change the situation.
Or you can accept what’s going on.
And which reaction do you think is the most constructive? As you can see from the above, when you resist, it’s not constructive at all (quite contrary to what many believe) – actually it’s quite destructive and it closes you down to any possible joy and new possibilities. Acceptance, on the other hand, makes life friendlier (for you) because it welcomes reality and makes you open to the exciting new possibilities the present situation may bring.
Everyday you make a thousand choices. You choose what to wear, where to go, who to meet, what to eat and what to do. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, YOU decide WHAT TO THINK. One thing is sure and that is that your day will not be better than your thoughts. ...................
Just close your eyes for a moment and see if you can visualise this open toolbox and if you can see the hundreds of tools that are neatly placed in this toolbox. Now look if you can see the maker’s name on these tools. The creator of these tools (thoughts and perceptions) is you. You created thousands of thoughts and perceptions (tools) about everything since your childhood. ..................
When confronted with any situation or problem you reach into this toolbox and take out what you think the most appropriate tool would be and then attempt to fix the problem. It is estimated that your mind thinks at least 2,500 thoughts an hour. Every thought that you think is a tool (perception) that you have that you imagine would work best under specific circumstances. This thought process continues day and night and will do so for the rest of your life. .....................................
I am convinced that we think ourselves to a standstill. We never stop playing with these tools in our toolbox and can hardly ever really relax for a while. If we are not faced with a problem or task that needs completion we still continue to take out these tools and mentally rehears and contemplate how we will use them should something that we fear become a reality. ............................
We are forever thinking and scheming and never become still and tranquil inside. Our bodies might seem relaxed, but deep inside our heads this thought process continues churning around. What I am most worried about is that most of the tools that you have in your toolbox are very old and outdated. .......................
Many of the opportunities, problems and obstructions that you face daily cannot be repaired while you are using old and outdated tools. If you take a modern mechanic’s toolbox and you place the toolbox of a mechanic of fifty years ago next to it you will find that there are major discrepancies. When you are confronted with something that needs repair and you do not have the right tool for the task at hand it can be very frustrating. We usually improvise and try using some other tools and hope that it will also get the job done. ........................
When you are faced with a problem you need to select the right tool for the task at hand. If you do not have the tool in your toolbox it can complicate your life. What most people seem to ignore is that it is sometimes better not to reach for your toolbox when faced with a problem. Sometimes you need time to pass or need to leave the problem with its rightful owner. How well you use your tools is usually reflected in the world you see around you. What would you do if you were faced with any or all of the following? .........................
You get a flat tire on your way to an important customer or meeting. You can fall apart, develop a migraine and think that life is against you or you can take out the right tools (patience and reality) and take care of the problem in a relaxed manner. ........................
You have been working on the computer for hours and suddenly lose all your work. You can drop dead with a heart attack; think that God hates you or you can take out the right tool (sanity and reality) and begin over and this time remember to make a backup of your work. ....................
A lover or wife possibly cheated on you. You can go crazy and get an assassin to take out the potential threat to your relationship, think that you are a failure or you can take out the right tool (no fear of loss) and get on with your life. .......................
When you have the right tools in your toolbox it makes life a lot easier. The choices we make are vital in our lives. The more quality choices we make during any given day the higher the probability of success and peace of mind. ................
I suggest that you equip your toolbox with the best tools you can lay your hands on. It is important to upgrade if you discover that one of your tools are outdated or that a more modern version is available. How would you react if your TV packed up and a technician that obviously knows very little about electronics arrived at your house with only a sledgehammer and a few other primitive tools in his toolbox? I am sure that you will send him away and find someone better qualified and equipped for the task. .....................
You might sometimes be like this incompetent and poorly equipped technician indicated above if you do not often update your tools (thoughts) in your toolbox. You can also have all the right tools in your toolbox and never use them because you are afraid that you might make a mistake. ..................
You must remember that happiness and success is always just one thought (tool) away. You should remember when you find it difficult to cope with something that one new tool (thought) could change your life. One fresh thought and one new idea can change your life from pain and suffering to success and peace of mind. ........................
You are today what you were programmed with yesterday. The choices that you make on a moment-to-moment basis decide your fate and future. You can never feel or perform better than the ongoing thoughts and feelings that you allow to occupy your mind! .......................
The mistake we make is that most of us live our lives on a reactive basis. We start and complete our day in a reactive state of being. Something comes to our attention via our five senses or via a thought in our mind. We automatically slip into the “role” that we created for ourselves many moons ago. We act, react and experience the same feelings and emotions that we embedded with our scrip at its inception. We do exactly the same when new stimuli push the previous “drama” off the stage in our minds. We sustain this reactive mode of thinking until we finally go to bed at night. Most of our days are made up of a tapestry of “roles” that we played in our own colorful way. It is important to understand that nothing is going to change until we do something different. We cannot repeat the same old recipes and expect a different outcome. ....................
You can use the “Portable Life Skills Wisdom” book to develop a range of appropriate scripts that you can use when you are faced with a problem or project that need your attention. You will if you apply the scripts in this book find that you no longer run your life on a reactive basis. The new scripts will help you to live your life in the moment. You will become more realistic. You will treat each event on its own merit. How do you do this? ......................
The Process ....................
Read the first message in your book. Write it down if at all possible. It will assist you to absorb the data provided. Now sit back and close your eyes and visualize how you will apply the specific message in the various areas of your life. See yourself on the screen of your mind using the message in all your day-to-day activities. It is important to attempt to feel and experience the benefits that this new mode of thinking will bring into your life. Do this for ten minutes. Then open your eyes and begin to apply the wisdom on all occasions where appropriate in your activities on that given day. ...........................
Proceed to do the same with second message etc. in your book tomorrow. You will upload almost a thousand powerful recipes if you sustain the process indicated above. You can in less than three years upload a powerful “tool” system that will serve you for the rest of your life. This can be a life changing experience if you apply it daily. You will discover that the ten minutes you invest daily will upload countless new strategies into your subconscious computer. Build a successful and happy life. The key however is action. You can have the best tools available to man and still fail if you don’t use them daily. Wishing you the very best with this endeavor. .............................
Daily Support System (This Blog) ................
You not only have the massive key ideas in the book that you can use when appropriate you also receive daily posts on a wide range of subjects that will expand this system to a level never offered before. Visit this blog daily for fresh new ideas with a sprinkle of historical wisdom that stood the test of time. ..........................
Rene
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PORTABLE LIFE SKILLS DAILY WISDOM GUIDE 