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Book Review – “101 Relationship Myths” about sexual attraction”

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Here’s an excerpt from “101 Relationship Myths” about sexual attraction”. Enjoy!

“One of the relationship myths that has caused me the most pain during the course of my “relationship career” is the idea that strong sexual attraction and falling in love means you’re compatible and a good match. So a couple of years ago I decided to take a closer look at this idea and find out if it’s really true that when you’re on cloud nine and feel strong sexual attraction to someone, it means you’re going to be a good match as a couple.

It didn’t take me long to find the answer. When I looked back at some of my previous relationships, I could see that even though we were really attracted to each other, the reality was that we were not that good a match. Yes we might have felt blissful or even in love in the beginning, but when it came to relationships, lifestyle and interests, we often had very different views, preferences and values.

This realization was a revelation to me. Up until then, I’d been basing my choice of partner on whether or not there was a strong sexual attraction between us and not on whether or not we were a good match. And suddenly I could see the painful consequences of this misunderstanding – for me and my partners.

One of the consequences of believing that strong sexual attraction means you’re a good match was that in the beginning of a new relationship, I often found myself exaggerating or only focusing on the woman’s “positive” sides (oh she’s so beautiful, so spiritual, and so forth) while downplaying or even ignoring her more “negative” sides. For example, I would overlook the sudden unkind remark that made me feel uncomfortable and instead sweep it under the carpet because I was so much in love. Or I’d accept an action or actions on her part that I’d never accept in anyone else. But in her case, because the attraction was so strong, I’d let it slide. And I have to admit that if I had been totally honest with myself, the truth was I already knew on the very first date, in the very first five minutes or so of our conversation, why the relationship would sooner or later become unworkable. Yes it’s true, I actually knew from the very beginning the reasons why we would not be a good match…

But because I was so infatuated and innocently believed that strong sexual attraction means you’re a good match, I ignored reality. And the result was almost always the same. As soon as the intoxication of falling in love began to wear off and the reality began to set in, it would become more and more painful for me to stay in the relationship. And then, the long, difficult battle to extricate myself would begin.

Find your core values

So if strong sexual attraction and falling in love don’t necessarily mean you’re a good match – what does? What makes two people a good match?

One of the things that make two people a good match is that they have the same “core” values. By having the same core values, I don’t mean being the same personality type or having the same education or working in the same field. I mean you have the same basic attitudes when it comes to what’s important in life, not least what’s important when it comes to relationships.

One of the reasons why many relationships get into serious trouble is that the man and the woman don’t have the same core values. A “mismatch” like this usually spells trouble because most people live according to their core values – and usually unconsciously expect their partners to do so too. This can be problematic when these core values don’t match. Let’s take an example. Let’s say one of your core values is “freedom” while your partner’s core values are “security and feeling safe”. Obviously this can make your relationship problematic because you will both unconsciously be expecting the other to behave in a manner that is in conflict with his or her core value or values. So when you are faithful to your core value and give yourself and your partner lots of “freedom”, your partner may get upset and feel insecure because his/her core values of “security and feeling safe” are not being met or are threatened. The opposite is true too. When your partner tries to live in harmony with his/her core value and strives for “security” for example, by wanting clear agreements on how you do things, the “freedom-loving” partner feels stifled and inhibited. You feel your core value of “freedom” is being threatened. So this is why it is so important to be more aware of what you and your partner’s (or a potential partner’s) core values are.

My former girlfriend, sexologist and couples therapist Joan Ørting has developed a good exercise to help us become more aware of our core values when it comes to relationships. I suggest you give this exercise a try – it can be really interesting. Ask yourself the following questions and answer as honestly as you can.

Question: What is most important for you in a relationship?

Answer: That my partner accepts me and loves me unconditionally.

Question: How does it make you feel when your partner accepts you and loves you unconditionally?

Answer: It makes me feel SAFE.

Conclusion: So feeling SAFE is one of your core values.

Repeat the questions until you identify 3-5 of your main core values. Once you’ve done this, prioritize the values so that you end up with a list that looks like this:

My core values when it comes to relationships:
1) FEELING SAFE
2) BEING TOGETHER
3) JOY

Or perhaps you’ll come up with a list of core values that looks like this:

1) FREEDOM
2) ADVENTURE
3) BEING TOGETHER

Becoming aware of your core values can be a really big help when it comes to determining if you and a potential partner are a good match. And if you’re already in a relationship and are having problems, it may be because your core values do not match. So it can also be helpful to do this exercise with your partner and then talk about what your respective core values are. Understanding how your core values differ can make it easier to communicate with each other in the future.”

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Click here to read a short extract from the book.

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Posted by on March 19, 2015 in WISDOM

 

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Book Review – The Adventures of Pebble Beach – Best Selling Author – Barbara Berger

Cover Pebble Beach 2

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An honest, fun, full-throttle story of a newly divorced woman throwing herself back into life…without a safety net!

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Attracted to the wrong men and don’t understand why? Afraid of being alone, getting older and losing your sex appeal? A little sex crazed (or a lot)? And still dreaming of a man who can save you from your life?

Chick Lit meets Self-Help in this high-spirited tale of a newly divorced, 40-something woman with two teenage sons who is trying to take control of her life, her sex-crazed body, and her new relationships with men – while struggling to build a career in advertising in the big city (plus going to quite a few therapy sessions). 

Until one day an unsavoury business scandal threatens to ruin the burgeoning career of our brave heroine…

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REVIEWS & ENDORSEMENTS

  • A SINGLE LIFE SEEN FROM INSIDE Are you the type that is attracted to the wrong men – and do you do the most insane things to keep your relationships with them anyway? Are you terrified by the thought of being an old, wrinkled raisin that no man will ever want? And are you – once in a while – just a little hungry after sex? Yes? Well then you will really be able to identify with Pebble Beach. She is in her mid-40s, newly divorced, and mother of two teenage boys. She is struggling to make a career for herself as a copywriter. At the same time she’s trying – using all the tricks of the game – to make it as a single woman. Or in reality she’s trying to find a new man – but in fact it’s really going rather poorly on all fronts. “Single for the Second Time” is written by Barbara Berger, the woman who’s written more than 10 self-help books so among other things, the reader closely follows Pebble Beach as she goes through an intense therapy process in her search to find herself. The book makes you laugh, cry and think as well. It touches on themes like addictive relationships, low self-esteem, alcoholism and poor communication in an entertaining yet serious tone. A good and informative book for singles – and for those who don’t understand single women! ~ Bibi, Danish weekly magazine Søndag

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MY REVIEW

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  • I finished reading your book last night. I found this book dynamic, intense, stimulating and a real depiction of the complicated lives we all tend to create for ourselves. Pebble only took her power back after reaching a saturation point, a point where she mastered her “fear of loss”. It is astounding to read how her compulsive desire to please positioned herself in mortal danger. You succeeded extremely well with your depiction of her mental blindness and inability to identify individuals or situations that added very little or no value to her life. Most of us tend to see only what we want to see in others. This goes for everything else in life. You brilliantly displayed the horrific price Pebble paid before she woke up to her real potential. I loved how you shared her self-talk and futile attempts to make sense of the games that she became embroiled in. What I found enlightening and disturbing is that you will find a Pebble drama in every building, home or office that you observe when you look out of your window. You will without doubt discover the Pebble Beach in yourself when you turn away from the window and look in a mirror. Your subliminal ability to leave your reader with a question in his mind about his own compulsive and often obsessive behaviour in certain areas of his life gives this book longevity. It will be an idiot that reads this book and then sends it off to a second hand book shop. I recommend that we as readers take Pebble Beach off the shelf when we find ourselves struggling and straining to make sense of anything or anyone. This amazing book will then remind us once again where we allowed ourselves to get sucked in by illusions created in our futile minds that might once again return to our old and outdated software that we operated on historically. (Habitual reaction Patterns). The real value of The Adventures of Pebble Beach is that you learn and gain insight without even being aware of it. You become so embroiled by Pebble’s adventures that you fail to grasp that you are at the same time busy with a purification process while you load wisdom and insight into your sub-conscious archives.

Rene

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READ MORE ABOUT THIS BOOK AND OTHER WORKS HER ON OWN BLOG AT THE LINK BELOW

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http://adventuresofpebblebeach.com/

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You can read a portion of a chapter at the following link

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https://eagleman6788.wordpress.com/2012/04/22/part-15-the-adventures-of-pebble-beach-by-barbara-berger/

www.beamteam.com

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Posted by on December 1, 2014 in WISDOM

 

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Having good persuasion skills has become a necessity in today’s fast-paced world.

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perkey

 

 

Having good persuasion skills has become a necessity in today’s fast-paced world. A large part of your success depends on the cooperation of other people. Influencing them to your way of thinking is now a very essential step in the fulfilment of your goals.

 

Here are 5 simple yet effective persuasion tactics you may use everyday to build loyal and lasting relationships through the power of persuasion and influence.

 

Tactic # 1: You Must Enter Their World.

 
Copy them. Observe how they act, how they speak, and how they think. If they rub their forehead while they think, act like them. If they speak at a clear and slow pace, try to do the same thing. This is called mirroring. In due time, the people you’re mirroring will subconsciously feel more comfortable with you. It’s as if they see themselves in you. However, you must proceed with caution. Do not let them be aware that you are copying them. They might interpret it as mockery and you’ll just get into trouble.

 

Tactic # 2: Meet Their Existing Needs and Desires.

People are self-centered. They are initially concerned with their own well-being before others. If you can prove that your proposal will provide more advantageous benefits to them than to your own, then they will probably accept it. If you could focus more on their interests, desires, needs, and expectations, then you would satisfy their cravings for attention. Moreover, it would show that you really care about them. Mutual trust and respect would be established. Satisfy the “What’s In It For Me?” test first, before convincing others to do what you want them to do.

 

Tactic # 3: Provide Them with Compelling Evidence.

Explain to them how your ideas or suggestions could be the most effective techniques to implement. Show them undeniable proof that you have the best product by way of testimonials, before and after scenarios, and detailed comparisons against your competitors. Just make sure that all your claims are true and verifiable. Always maintain a good reputation. Be friendly and nice. Smile to brighten up the day. Make a sincere compliment to raise their spirits. Little things like these count a lot. Make them feel that whenever they need help or just someone to look up to, you’ll always be there to lend a hand. They would tend to be more receptive to people that they trust.

 

Tactic # 4: Communicate Wittingly But Clearly.

 
Most people, if not all, would like to be accepted and to be perceived as likeable in the eyes of others. But what if you have to tell something undesirable to your friend, which is just for his or her own good? How can you get your message across without hurting their feelings? Substitute negative statements with positive ones. Instead of saying “You don’t understand,” say “Let me explain.” Instead of remarking “You’re wrong,” say “Permit me to clarify.” Instead of stating “You failed to say,” just mention “Perhaps this was not stated.” There are certain words that affect a person more negatively in comparison with other words that have the same meaning.

 

Tactic # 5: Agree with Them First…

 
Nothing could be more pleasing to the ear than hearing someone else say that you are right. In this case, be prepared to let other people know that you respect their opinions. You may add your comments at the end, but acknowledge them first. Say: You’re right, although … Great suggestion, however … I agree with your opinion, however … I would feel the same way if I were you, although … I understand your situation, however … Reassure your counterparts that the decision made will benefit both parties. People need to feel that they have made the right choice.

 

By Michael Lee
Author of How to Be an Expert Persuader

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Posted by on November 5, 2014 in WISDOM

 

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People who leave religion to seem to be the ones who tried hardest/invested most time into soul-searching.

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People who leave religion to seem to be the ones who tried hardest and who have invested those most time into soul-searching.

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There are themes of intense searching, bible reading, efforts to conform and find the promises of their religion, only to fail time and again. Ironically, the intense searching, bible reading and attempts to understand led many to recognize there were many things they were not being told and much was hidden or poorly explained.

  • The more sexually restrictive a religion is the more it uses guilt.

  • Conservative religions teach guilt and proscribe many behaviors such as sex before marriage, masturbation, oral sex and sex outside of marriage, and use religious based approaches to sex education with emphasis on abstinence only, failing to teach about birth control, condom use and abortion.

  • Biology seems to trump religion despite the millions of dollars and hours devoted to teaching religious children how to behave within their

    religious restrictions. Other general studies of sexuality show that 95% all adults have had premarital sex by the time they marry including, we believe, most ministers who tout abstinence only.

  • The religious kids were learning from sexual experience more than the less religious!

  • Most religions preach incessantly against pornography, yet it is the religious

    children in this sample that used it more.

  • .

 

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  • It appears that the things religions preach against most – sexual experimentation, pornography and the Internet – are what religious kids may use the most, while failing to talk to their parents.

  • Non-religious kids seem to be following the religious proscriptions better than the religious ones.

  • For the most religious, getting religion out of their lives seemed to make a huge difference in their sex life.

  • Those from the most guilt based religions would show the greatest drop in guilt and biggest increase in sexual satisfaction.

  • If porn is as bad as religions say it is, they aren’t doing a very good job of keeping it out of the hands of children and adolescents, 20% or more of both groups said they were using porn by 12 years old. For all the billboards and sermons against porn, there seems to be little return on the investment.

  • We were most interested in religion’s effect on porn use. If religion’s proscriptions are effective, we should see a clear difference between those who are most and least religious in the teen years when they are getting strong messages from their religion about sex. Looking only at men, we can see that there is very little difference between the groups. This suggests that the effect of religion is negligible for men.

 

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READ MORE AT THE LINK BELOW

https://eagleman6788.wordpress.com/2013/12/09/book-review-is-sexual-unhappiness-a-religiously-transmitted-disease-2/

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Posted by on October 15, 2014 in WISDOM

 

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5 simple yet effective persuasion tactics on the power of persuasion and influence.

.

perkey

 

 

Having good persuasion skills has become a necessity in today’s fast-paced world. A large part of your success depends on the cooperation of other people. Influencing them to your way of thinking is now a very essential step in the fulfilment of your goals.

 

Here are 5 simple yet effective persuasion tactics you may use everyday to build loyal and lasting relationships through the power of persuasion and influence.

 

Tactic # 1: You Must Enter Their World.

 
Copy them. Observe how they act, how they speak, and how they think. If they rub their forehead while they think, act like them. If they speak at a clear and slow pace, try to do the same thing. This is called mirroring. In due time, the people you’re mirroring will subconsciously feel more comfortable with you. It’s as if they see themselves in you. However, you must proceed with caution. Do not let them be aware that you are copying them. They might interpret it as mockery and you’ll just get into trouble.

 

Tactic # 2: Meet Their Existing Needs and Desires.

People are self-centered. They are initially concerned with their own well-being before others. If you can prove that your proposal will provide more advantageous benefits to them than to your own, then they will probably accept it. If you could focus more on their interests, desires, needs, and expectations, then you would satisfy their cravings for attention. Moreover, it would show that you really care about them. Mutual trust and respect would be established. Satisfy the “What’s In It For Me?” test first, before convincing others to do what you want them to do.

 

Tactic # 3: Provide Them with Compelling Evidence.

Explain to them how your ideas or suggestions could be the most effective techniques to implement. Show them undeniable proof that you have the best product by way of testimonials, before and after scenarios, and detailed comparisons against your competitors. Just make sure that all your claims are true and verifiable. Always maintain a good reputation. Be friendly and nice. Smile to brighten up the day. Make a sincere compliment to raise their spirits. Little things like these count a lot. Make them feel that whenever they need help or just someone to look up to, you’ll always be there to lend a hand. They would tend to be more receptive to people that they trust.

 

Tactic # 4: Communicate Wittingly But Clearly.

 
Most people, if not all, would like to be accepted and to be perceived as likeable in the eyes of others. But what if you have to tell something undesirable to your friend, which is just for his or her own good? How can you get your message across without hurting their feelings? Substitute negative statements with positive ones. Instead of saying “You don’t understand,” say “Let me explain.” Instead of remarking “You’re wrong,” say “Permit me to clarify.” Instead of stating “You failed to say,” just mention “Perhaps this was not stated.” There are certain words that affect a person more negatively in comparison with other words that have the same meaning.

 

Tactic # 5: Agree with Them First…

 
Nothing could be more pleasing to the ear than hearing someone else say that you are right. In this case, be prepared to let other people know that you respect their opinions. You may add your comments at the end, but acknowledge them first. Say: You’re right, although … Great suggestion, however … I agree with your opinion, however … I would feel the same way if I were you, although … I understand your situation, however … Reassure your counterparts that the decision made will benefit both parties. People need to feel that they have made the right choice.

 

By Michael Lee
Author of How to Be an Expert Persuader

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Leave a comment

Posted by on October 3, 2014 in WISDOM

 

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“101 Relationship Myths” about sexual attraction.

 

Here’s an excerpt from “101 Relationship Myths” about sexual attraction. Enjoy!

“One of the relationship myths that has caused me the most pain during the course of my “relationship career” is the idea that strong sexual attraction and falling in love means you’re compatible and a good match. So a couple of years ago I decided to take a closer look at this idea and find out if it’s really true that when you’re on cloud nine and feel strong sexual attraction to someone, it means you’re going to be a good match as a couple.

It didn’t take me long to find the answer. When I looked back at some of my previous relationships, I could see that even though we were really attracted to each other, the reality was that we were not that good a match. Yes we might have felt blissful or even in love in the beginning, but when it came to relationships, lifestyle and interests, we often had very different views, preferences and values.

This realization was a revelation to me. Up until then, I’d been basing my choice of partner on whether or not there was a strong sexual attraction between us and not on whether or not we were a good match. And suddenly I could see the painful consequences of this misunderstanding – for me and my partners.

One of the consequences of believing that strong sexual attraction means you’re a good match was that in the beginning of a new relationship, I often found myself exaggerating or only focusing on the woman’s “positive” sides (oh she’s so beautiful, so spiritual, and so forth) while downplaying or even ignoring her more “negative” sides. For example, I would overlook the sudden unkind remark that made me feel uncomfortable and instead sweep it under the carpet because I was so much in love. Or I’d accept an action or actions on her part that I’d never accept in anyone else. But in her case, because the attraction was so strong, I’d let it slide. And I have to admit that if I had been totally honest with myself, the truth was I already knew on the very first date, in the very first five minutes or so of our conversation, why the relationship would sooner or later become unworkable. Yes it’s true, I actually knew from the very beginning the reasons why we would not be a good match…

But because I was so infatuated and innocently believed that strong sexual attraction means you’re a good match, I ignored reality. And the result was almost always the same. As soon as the intoxication of falling in love began to wear off and the reality began to set in, it would become more and more painful for me to stay in the relationship. And then, the long, difficult battle to extricate myself would begin.

Find your core values

So if strong sexual attraction and falling in love don’t necessarily mean you’re a good match – what does? What makes two people a good match?

One of the things that make two people a good match is that they have the same “core” values. By having the same core values, I don’t mean being the same personality type or having the same education or working in the same field. I mean you have the same basic attitudes when it comes to what’s important in life, not least what’s important when it comes to relationships.

One of the reasons why many relationships get into serious trouble is that the man and the woman don’t have the same core values. A “mismatch” like this usually spells trouble because most people live according to their core values – and usually unconsciously expect their partners to do so too. This can be problematic when these core values don’t match. Let’s take an example. Let’s say one of your core values is “freedom” while your partner’s core values are “security and feeling safe”. Obviously this can make your relationship problematic because you will both unconsciously be expecting the other to behave in a manner that is in conflict with his or her core value or values. So when you are faithful to your core value and give yourself and your partner lots of “freedom”, your partner may get upset and feel insecure because his/her core values of “security and feeling safe” are not being met or are threatened. The opposite is true too. When your partner tries to live in harmony with his/her core value and strives for “security” for example, by wanting clear agreements on how you do things, the “freedom-loving” partner feels stifled and inhibited. You feel your core value of “freedom” is being threatened. So this is why it is so important to be more aware of what you and your partner’s (or a potential partner’s) core values are.

My former girlfriend, sexologist and couples therapist Joan Ørting has developed a good exercise to help us become more aware of our core values when it comes to relationships. I suggest you give this exercise a try – it can be really interesting. Ask yourself the following questions and answer as honestly as you can.

Question: What is most important for you in a relationship?

Answer: That my partner accepts me and loves me unconditionally.

Question: How does it make you feel when your partner accepts you and loves you unconditionally?

Answer: It makes me feel SAFE.

Conclusion: So feeling SAFE is one of your core values.

Repeat the questions until you identify 3-5 of your main core values. Once you’ve done this, prioritize the values so that you end up with a list that looks like this:

My core values when it comes to relationships:
1) FEELING SAFE
2) BEING TOGETHER
3) JOY

Or perhaps you’ll come up with a list of core values that looks like this:

1) FREEDOM
2) ADVENTURE
3) BEING TOGETHER

Becoming aware of your core values can be a really big help when it comes to determining if you and a potential partner are a good match. And if you’re already in a relationship and are having problems, it may be because your core values do not match. So it can also be helpful to do this exercise with your partner and then talk about what your respective core values are. Understanding how your core values differ can make it easier to communicate with each other in the future.”

Click here to read a short extract from the book.

 
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Posted by on June 29, 2014 in WISDOM

 

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Book Review – Have a new You, Kid & Husband by Friday!

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Improving Your Mood

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Posted by on May 23, 2014 in WISDOM

 

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