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Dating In The Dark

07 Jun

Dating Guide for the Awakening Human Being

Recently Tim wrote this article for the Danish lifestyle magazine “Liv og Sjæl” about how we, as awakening human beings, can tackle the challenge of meeting and dating in a more conscious fashion. Enjoy!

”Dating Guide for the Awakening Human Being – by Tim Ray

One of the characteristics of a healthy, harmonious relationship is that the partners are a good match. And by a good match I don’t necessarily mean they match each other in appearance or in the outer. People can differ externally – age, appearance, job, career, financial situation, personality type, etc. – and still be a good match. People are a good match when inner circumstances match – and by that I mean when their level of consciousness and their values, intention, and lifestyle match. If there is a good match between your level of consciousness and another person’s, then the chances of you being a “good match” are greater.

So if your focus is on becoming a more conscious and awake human being and if you are looking for a partner who is also striving to become more conscious, how do you determine if someone is a good match for you in terms of their level of consciousness?

Here are some of the things an “awakening” human being might want to consider and be aware of when he or she is dating:

– What is this person’s level of consciousness? Is the person awake and conscious or is she/he confused and unconscious? Does this person believe everything he/she thinks or is this person able to question his/her thinking?

– What is the basic energy of this person? How does it feel? Is there… fear, anxiety, insecurity? Is there desire and a longing for outer, material things, status, money, etc? Does the person radiate anger, irritation, or frustration? Does the person have the “it’s their fault” attitude or vibration? Does the person have a lot of pride and a closed mind and radiate the feeling that he or she knows all the answers? Or is the person open, flexible and willing to consider things from new perspectives? Does the person’s energy seem optimistic and positive? Does the person seem to have common sense and the ability to think clearly? Does his/her energy feel loving and spacious? Is there a feeling of respect for him/herself and others? And what about a feeling of peace? Ecstasy? In other words, what is the person’s vibrational quality?

– What are the person’s values and goals in life? Do he/she value outer achievements like money, material things, status, and fame? Or does the person value inner qualities such as being conscious, understanding and feeling love and compassion? And if the person says their focus is on inner qualities – is there harmony between the person’s stated values and his/her behavior, way of speaking, lifestyle?

– Does the person take responsibility for their life or is this person trying to get someone else to save them?

– Does the person feel comfortable with who they are and rest in themselves? Can he or she be alone and feel good?

Or is this someone who needs to fill up their time with outer activities, people and experiences to feel okay?

– Is he/she desperate to find a partner?

– Is she/he realistic when it comes to what a relationship can actually do and not do for a person?

– Does he/she have healthy boundaries? Or does the person have too few boundaries (for example being willing to have sex too quickly?). Or too many boundaries (for example not being honest and showing who they are.)

– Does he/she have a lot of unresolved pain from a previous relationship which they haven’t worked through yet (newly divorced or just out of a long relationship)?

– Does she/he have any unhealthy addictions such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, coffee, flirting and sex?

– What happens when you disagree about something – does this person treat you and the way you see things with respect?

– If you tell the person something intimate or talk about your problems, does he/she listen with respect and compassion?

– If you share some of the things you see/feel about the person with him or her, is the person able to listen to what you’re saying in a sane and sensible manner? Or does he/she immediately become aggressive and/or defensive?

– Is he/she overly responsible and trying to fix others (including you)? Or is this person able to mind his/her own business and let other people take care of their business?

– Is she/he abusive? Does the person violate your boundaries? Or does this person allow him/herself to be violated?

– Is the person awake? Aware? Conscious? And if not, is waking up and becoming more conscious a primary goal in his or her life?

– And finally… if you are a good match, in terms of your level of consciousness – what are his/her preferences when it comes to having a relationship? For example, how much time does this person want to spend with you? Does this match what you want? And how does the person want to spend this time? And again does this match your desires and preferences?

The more awake you are, the better your dating experience will be!

When you read this, you might be thinking, “but how can I realistically assess something like this?”

Part of the answer is obviously the more conscious and aware you are yourself, the easier it will be for you to see and understand other people. In other words, if you understand yourself and your own thinking, feelings and behavior, it’s a lot easier to judge what’s going on with someone else.

And the opposite is also true – if you’re not especially conscious and are very identified with your own thoughts, stories and beliefs and feel needy and insecure, it will be more difficult for you to assess another person’s level of consciousness accurately.

Which brings us to the most important thing of all when it comes to dating – namely – the best thing you can do to have a good dating experience and a good relationship in the future is to become a more conscious person yourself!

Know thyself first

So look at the above checklist and now ask yourself the same questions again – but this time, ask them about yourself. How do you rate? By doing this, you can get an idea of your own level of consciousness in terms of the areas mentioned above.

And yes, it’s an interesting exercise.

If you find areas where you can see that you are not especially conscious and have problems – well then you know where you need to do more inner work so that you can become more awake yourself.

So in this way, dating can be more than just fun – it can be a great way to stimulate your own inner growth!

Healthy dating takes time

When you look at the above checklist, you can also add other points that you think are important for a conscious/awake person to consider when meeting another person. The other thing you will discover is that obviously it will take some time before you can realistically evaluate how conscious another human being is! (Or how awake you are for that matter!). And then assess whether or not you would be a good match.

And this brings us to another important aspect of dating for the awakening human being – it’s important to precede slowly and not just jump into bed right away. Because only by taking your time can you realistically assess if the two of you are a good match.

How long it takes to realistically assess another person’s level of consciousness depends on your level of consciousness! The more conscious you are, the less time it will take for you to correctly assess another person’s level of consciousness – and whether or not you are a good match. And if you’re not especially conscious, well then it will take longer for you to make a healthy assessment. And yes this is a bit of a paradox because when you’re not so conscious, you will probably have a tendency to jump into bed with the first lovely body you run into…

So how conscious are we in fact?

When we look at reality, the truth is that most people who are doing consciousness work and are in the process of becoming more awake – are not completely awake and not completely unconscious either. The reality is they’re a mixture of both – sometimes awake and aware – and sometimes pretty unconscious. So of course this is another good reason to take your time when you are dating!

In practice this translates into something like this:

1) No physical contact, kissing, sex, etc. for the first many dates. One of the dangers of having sex right away is that the energy of flirting and the sex can be so powerful that it interferes with your ability to think and judge clearly. And this can make it very difficult for you to assess your own and the other person’s level of consciousness – and ascertain whether you are a good match or not.

So no sex for the first many dates – for example, no sex the first 10 dates or the first couple of months! And even after the first kiss, it’s still a good idea to move forward slowly. So if you start kissing on date number 10, then wait with the sex until date number 20 – that is if you are still seeing each other after so many dates!

Sex is one of the most intimate things two human beings can do together which is why it is very important to make sure you can be intimate on the inner plane first so that you know you are able to treat each other with respect and love on the inner plane.

So remember: First inner intimacy (i.e. getting to know each other really well) and then outer (physical) intimacy.

2) Get to know each other slowly. Don’t meet at your place or the other person’s place on the first many dates. Meet somewhere neutral like a café. If you really think you feel good together after just a few meetings, well go out to dinner or go for a walk in the woods or something like that. And then if you still feel good together well then you can go to the next step which is going home to each other. But go slowly!

Another advantage of going slowly is that it will enable you to experience the other person in different situations at different times in their life during the period and learn more about what is going on in this person’s life. And this will enable you to see how she/he is dealing with it. Which can be very revealing. Because it’s not what’s happening in a person’s life that determines how awake a person is, but how a person relates to what’s happening. So if you go slowly, you’ll get more of a chance to see this clearly too.

Happy dating!”

Love,

Tim and Barbara

www.beamteam.com