Learning to communicate honestly with others
Now that we’ve looked into communicating honestly with ourselves, what does it take to communicate honestly with other people? First of all – as described above – it takes knowing your own mind. But when it comes to communicating honestly with others, knowing yourself isn’t enough. Communicating with others is a skill – but not necessarily a skill we’re born with! Of course some people are natural-born communicators, but most of us aren’t. But even if you weren’t born a communicator, don’t despair – there’s still hope. Fortunately for us, communicating honestly, openly and directly is a skill we can all learn. And in this connection, learning to be assertive is a key factor. So let’s take a look at the idea of assertiveness.
Assertiveness
First of all, what does being assertive mean? Assertiveness means the ability to express yourself and defend your rights without violating the rights of others. It is appropriate, direct and open communication.
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. This is a very important distinction so I will repeat it. Assertiveness is not the same as aggression. Some people get the wrong idea and think assertiveness is aggression, but it’s not. Aggression is self-enhancing behavior at the expense of others. Being assertive is just the opposite and translates into the ability to take care of oneself without violating the rights of other people.
Unfortunately, many of us confuse open and honest communication with angry and aggressive behavior – and as a result, we are afraid of saying honestly what we feel and mean. I know I did for a very long time.
It was first when I understood the beauty of assertiveness that I realized it was the key to taking care of myself and communicating honestly and clearly with other people at the same time. I found out that if I could learn to be assertive, it is possible to cope with disagreement and conflict without going to pieces. I also found that being assertive is a firm, yet satisfying way to stand up for your rights without becoming angry or aggressive.
In order to illustrate the difference between being assertive and being aggressive or passive, I’ve developed the chart below.
Passive behavior
Flight
Running away
Submissive
Violating your own limits
Criticizing yourself
Making yourself wrong
Pointing the finger at yourself
Assertive behavior
Balance Point
Your own power
Staying in your power
Minding your own
business
Taking responsibility for
yourself
Standing up for your
rights
Self-power
Aggressive behavior
Fight
Attacking
Dominating
Violating the limits of
others
Criticizing others
Making others wrong
Pointing the finger at others
This chart shows that there is a balance point between the extremes of passive and aggressive behavior – and this balance point is assertive behavior. When you are assertive, you are staying in your own business and standing up for yourself and your rights. When you are passive, you run away from conflict and make yourself wrong. When you are aggressive, you attack and make other people wrong. The two extreme points – passive and aggressive behavior – correspond to the classic ‘fight or flight’ reaction pattern. The balanced position is assertive behavior – and means not going to
extremes to deal with the situation but standing firm in your own power.
Your assertive rights
I first became aware of the concept of assertiveness when I read Manuel J. Smith’s wonderful book “When I say no, I feel guilty” many years ago. In his book, he carefully explains the concept of assertiveness and explores many of the underlying beliefs we have that prevent us from expressing ourselves clearly and from taking care of ourselves.
In the book, he presents a list of what he calls our 10 assertive rights. I include the list for you here because it is such a revelation. For more details, please read his book. It’s a true gem.
“Assertive Rights
1. You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and
emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and
consequences upon yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses to justify your
behavior.
3. You have the right to judge whether you are responsible for finding
solutions to other people’s problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to say ‘I don’t know’.
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before
coping with them.
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9. You have the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’.
10. You have the right to say, ‘I don’t care’.
You have the right to say no, without feeling guilty.” From “When I say no, I feel guilty” by Manuel J. Smith
Expressing yourself assertively
So how do we express ourselves assertively? What does it mean? Here are some of the main things we need to be aware of and remember when we practice expressing ourselves in an assertive manner. (And remember, learning to be assertive takes practice. You have to keep trying – again and again!)
First of all, when you disagree with someone, state your position or point of view as clearly as you can. No need to get upset. Be kind but firm. But don’t expect the other person to agree with you! Being assertive doesn’t have anything to do with winning arguments or being right. Being assertive is about honestly expressing your point of view and taking care of yourself. It’s not about winning and losing. So state your position clearly – and be willing to hear the other person’s point of view. When you have stated your position, don’t expect the other person to agree with you. He or she probably won’t.
When the other person has stated their position, don’t be afraid to repeat your own position or point of view again, kindly but firmly. When you see or hear that the other person does not agree with you, don’t attack or criticize him or her. Just stay in your own business and repeat your own position.
Remember – you are responsible for your feelings and opinions about the matter. The other person is responsible for his or her feelings and opinions about the matter. Each person has a right to his/her feelings and opinions.
It’s also important to remember that you don’t have to offer explanations or excuses for your choices, opinions, beliefs or behavior. (You might want to explain but you don’t have to. Remember you have the right to be you!)
In most disagreements, the best possible outcome is what I would call a ‘workable compromise’ – in other words a solution that both parties can accept. So it’s not a question of right or wrong or of one person winning and the other losing. It’s more about finding a way to deal with the matter that both people can live with.
It is also important in disagreements to show the other person that you hear them and understand their feelings. You don’t want to make the other person wrong just because he/she doesn’t agree with you – and you don’t want to make yourself wrong either. But you do want to acknowledge the other person’s point of view and feelings. This is the respectful, yet assertive way to be.
And finally, remember you don’t need to agree with the other person to find a workable compromise. Once both parties understand each other’s position, it can be much easier to find a solution that both parties can accept.
So to summarize, here are the main points to keep in mind:
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– State your position as clearly as you can.
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– Be kind but firm.
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– Don’t expect the other person to agree with you.
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– Be willing to hear the other person’s point of view.
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– Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, kindly but firmly.
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– Don’t attack or criticize the other person.
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– Stay in your own business.
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– You are responsible for your feelings about the matter.
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– The other person is responsible for his/her feelings about the matter.
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– You don’t need to offer explanations or excuses for your choices, opinions or behavior.
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– Show the other person you hear them and understand their feelings.
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– Don’t make the other person wrong just because he/she doesn’t agree with you.
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– Don’t make yourself wrong (or criticize or excuse yourself).
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– Remember, you don’t need to agree with the other person to find a workable compromise.
Things you can say
When you are having this kind of discussion, here are some good ways to acknowledge the other person’s point of view while maintaining your own rights, position, and point of view. You can say things like:
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– I can totally understand how you might feel that way and I still…
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– You could be right and I still…
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– I can understand your point of view and I still…
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– I really appreciate your feelings (point of view) in this matter and I still…
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– I am inclined to agree with you and I still…
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– I totally sympathize with you and I still…
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– I appreciate your thinking of me and the answer is still no.
Barbara Berger
Also Read:
PORTABLE LIFE SKILLS DAILY WISDOM GUIDE 