Do you often lose your temper? Do you often say things that later you regret because of anger? Do others consider you a volatile person, afraid to be around you, not knowing why or when you will suddenly erupt? Do you feel entitled to having these angry reactions, do you feel that others “make” you angry? Do you sometimes find that anger gives you power over others? Do you sometimes feel that if you don’t do something like breaking an object, or slamming a door, you are going to burst? Have you ever felt weak and incapable of controlling your anger? Have you become violent towards another person because of anger? Have you damaged a person’s property because of anger? If your answer is yes to just a couple of the above, then, Oh My God, You Have Anger Issues!
What is anger? Is it ok? Yes, anger is ok. It is one of our basic reactions and feelings and a natural part of our lives. It is an emotional signal of displeasure with an event or behaviour we have encountered. One of our basic skills in life is how to feel our anger, how to manage our anger, and how to express our anger appropriately. However, anger, being a reaction to some sort of conflict between our desires and the response of the environment, should not be a permanent attribute of our personality, but rather a temporary feeling which subsides as soon as the conflict is resolved.
What are the many faces of anger? Well, have you ever met a person who is constantly angry about something? There are some people who have integrated anger into their personality style as a permanent trait. They are always angry about everything. They get easily frustrated over small things, get annoyed at events that others simply ignore, and carry their anger wherever they go. No matter what the occasion, they will find something to be dissatisfied with, something they will find very annoying. It seems as if they are intentionally focusing on what can make them mad, as an excuse to let their anger out. Sometimes, such people discover that with their anger they gain control and power over others, and may use their anger deliberately as a manipulative technique. Intimidators, bullies may fall in this category.
Then, there is anger resulting from “narcissistic injury” or a perceived attack on self-esteem and feelings of insult and shame. People with unhealthy self-esteem, who feel unworthy or unloved and carry a lot of shame within them, tend to feel inordinate shame at small insignificant comments made by others, are overly touchy when criticized, ignored, or neglected and may erupt in quite violent anger, often termed “narcissistic rage”. This type of anger turned against the person who has caused the insult or the shaming experience is a way the “insulted” person has found to hit back, get revenge, or release these very intense feelings.
Another variant of narcissistic anger is paranoid anger, often as an extension of the former. In narcissistic anger what is threatened and being responded to is a perceived threat to shaky self-esteem. In paranoid anger the perceived threat is against the person’s basic security or safety. Everyone is out to get such a person, take his/her job, do him/her an injustice, fool and deceive him/her etc. This anger stems from deep feelings of insecurity and lack of trust and is expressed with self-entitlement as a means of protection against the evilness of others. Often, this type of anger takes the form of “moral indignation” – accusing others of being “wrong” or “bad” or “immoral” giving the angry person a false feeling of superiority, while covering underlying feelings of weakness, vulnerability, insecurity, or envy.
The most dangerous type of anger is sudden, explosive anger, which occurs when the individual totally loses control of himself. The causes for this type of anger may be any of the ones mentioned above, and the intensity of the anger reaction can be attributed to faulty impulse control, which may be evident in other forms of extreme impulsivity in that person’s life. People suffering from such anger may harm others or themselves as a way to rid themselves of these very powerful feelings and gain relief.
On the other hand, there are people who are afraid of anger. Perhaps, in their childhood they were taught that it was not appropriate to express anger, or they were so afraid of other people’s anger that they decided that anger was “bad”. Some people are so afraid of anger that not only do they not express it, but cover it up with various defenses so that they do not feel their anger anymore. Such people’s main concern is to keep the peace at all costs, not rock the boat, not gain the displeasure of another person, not make things even worse, not lose acceptance or love. Anger, theirs or other people’s, is just too upsetting, it disturbs their sense of security and safety and such people tend to shrink back from it and systematically avoid it. Frequently, depression or psychosomatic symptoms may result from this constant repression of anger.
Another type of not expressed anger is called passive-aggressive anger. If the people in the previous category get tumors, people in this category can “cause” tumors to others, by their obstinate uncooperativeness. Frustrating others is their specialty and their cup of tea. Late for appointments, dates, “forgetful” of things, professional procrastinators, and all of that under a meak and mild countenance and a guileless smile. In contrast to repressed anger, which is not consciously felt by the individual, passive-aggressive anger is consciously felt and consciously expressed in this indirect and masked style as a way of revenge or control of others.
And, finally, there is “healthy” anger. What are the characteristics of healthy anger?
Healthy anger is consciously felt – not repressed or avoided.
Healthy anger is filtered through our reasoning faculties and modulated.
Healthy anger is verbally expressed in a civilized and controlled manner and its aim is not to injure, attack, insult or otherwise harm the anger-provoking person, but resolve the anger-provoking situation.
Healthy anger is quickly released once the conflict is over and not held onto as resentment or hard feelings.
And when we can do all that, then with a sigh of relief we may proudly say, Thank God, I Don’t Have Anger “Issues”!!!
Do you often lose your temper? Do you often say things that later you regret because of anger? Do others consider you a volatile person, afraid to be around you, not knowing why or when you will suddenly erupt? Do you feel entitled to having these angry reactions, do you feel that others “make” you angry? Do you sometimes find that anger gives you power over others? Do you sometimes feel that if you don’t do something like breaking an object, or slamming a door, you are going to burst? Have you ever felt weak and incapable of controlling your anger? Have you become violent towards another person because of anger? Have you damaged a person’s property because of anger? If your answer is yes to just a couple of the above, then, Oh My God, You Have Anger Issues!
What is anger? Is it ok? Yes, anger is ok. It is one of our basic reactions and feelings and a natural part of our lives. It is an emotional signal of displeasure with an event or behaviour we have encountered. One of our basic skills in life is how to feel our anger, how to manage our anger, and how to express our anger appropriately. However, anger, being a reaction to some sort of conflict between our desires and the response of the environment, should not be a permanent attribute of our personality, but rather a temporary feeling which subsides as soon as the conflict is resolved.
What are the many faces of anger? Well, have you ever met a person who is constantly angry about something? There are some people who have integrated anger into their personality style as a permanent trait. They are always angry about everything. They get easily frustrated over small things, get annoyed at events that others simply ignore, and carry their anger wherever they go. No matter what the occasion, they will find something to be dissatisfied with, something they will find very annoying. It seems as if they are intentionally focusing on what can make them mad, as an excuse to let their anger out. Sometimes, such people discover that with their anger they gain control and power over others, and may use their anger deliberately as a manipulative technique. Intimidators, bullies may fall in this category.
Then, there is anger resulting from “narcissistic injury” or a perceived attack on self-esteem and feelings of insult and shame. People with unhealthy self-esteem, who feel unworthy or unloved and carry a lot of shame within them, tend to feel inordinate shame at small insignificant comments made by others, are overly touchy when criticized, ignored, or neglected and may erupt in quite violent anger, often termed “narcissistic rage”. This type of anger turned against the person who has caused the insult or the shaming experience is a way the “insulted” person has found to hit back, get revenge, or release these very intense feelings.
Another variant of narcissistic anger is paranoid anger, often as an extension of the former. In narcissistic anger what is threatened and being responded to is a perceived threat to shaky self-esteem. In paranoid anger the perceived threat is against the person’s basic security or safety. Everyone is out to get such a person, take his/her job, do him/her an injustice, fool and deceive him/her etc. This anger stems from deep feelings of insecurity and lack of trust and is expressed with self-entitlement as a means of protection against the evilness of others. Often, this type of anger takes the form of “moral indignation” – accusing others of being “wrong” or “bad” or “immoral” giving the angry person a false feeling of superiority, while covering underlying feelings of weakness, vulnerability, insecurity, or envy.
The most dangerous type of anger is sudden, explosive anger, which occurs when the individual totally loses control of himself. The causes for this type of anger may be any of the ones mentioned above, and the intensity of the anger reaction can be attributed to faulty impulse control, which may be evident in other forms of extreme impulsivity in that person’s life. People suffering from such anger may harm others or themselves as a way to rid themselves of these very powerful feelings and gain relief.
On the other hand, there are people who are afraid of anger. Perhaps, in their childhood they were taught that it was not appropriate to express anger, or they were so afraid of other people’s anger that they decided that anger was “bad”. Some people are so afraid of anger that not only do they not express it, but cover it up with various defenses so that they do not feel their anger anymore. Such people’s main concern is to keep the peace at all costs, not rock the boat, not gain the displeasure of another person, not make things even worse, not lose acceptance or love. Anger, theirs or other people’s, is just too upsetting, it disturbs their sense of security and safety and such people tend to shrink back from it and systematically avoid it. Frequently, depression or psychosomatic symptoms may result from this constant repression of anger.
Another type of not expressed anger is called passive-aggressive anger. If the people in the previous category get tumors, people in this category can “cause” tumors to others, by their obstinate uncooperativeness. Frustrating others is their specialty and their cup of tea. Late for appointments, dates, “forgetful” of things, professional procrastinators, and all of that under a meak and mild countenance and a guileless smile. In contrast to repressed anger, which is not consciously felt by the individual, passive-aggressive anger is consciously felt and consciously expressed in this indirect and masked style as a way of revenge or control of others.
And, finally, there is “healthy” anger. What are the characteristics of healthy anger?
Healthy anger is consciously felt – not repressed or avoided.
Healthy anger is filtered through our reasoning faculties and modulated.
Healthy anger is verbally expressed in a civilized and controlled manner and its aim is not to injure, attack, insult or otherwise harm the anger-provoking person, but resolve the anger-provoking situation.
Healthy anger is quickly released once the conflict is over and not held onto as resentment or hard feelings.
And when we can do all that, then with a sigh of relief we may proudly say, Thank God, I Don’t Have Anger “Issues”!!!
Healthy anger is quickly released once the conflict is over and not held onto as resentment or hard feelings.
Do you often lose your temper? Do you often say things that later you regret because of anger? Do others consider you a volatile person, afraid to be around you, not knowing why or when you will suddenly erupt? Do you feel entitled to having these angry reactions, do you feel that others “make” you angry? Do you sometimes find that anger gives you power over others? Do you sometimes feel that if you don’t do something like breaking an object, or slamming a door, you are going to burst? Have you ever felt weak and incapable of controlling your anger? Have you become violent towards another person because of anger? Have you damaged a person’s property because of anger? If your answer is yes to just a couple of the above, then, Oh My God, You Have Anger Issues!
What is anger? Is it ok? Yes, anger is ok. It is one of our basic reactions and feelings and a natural part of our lives. It is an emotional signal of displeasure with an event or behavior we have encountered. One of our basic skills in life is how to feel our anger, how to manage our anger, and how to express our anger appropriately. However, anger, being a reaction to some sort of conflict between our desires and the response of the environment, should not be a permanent attribute of our personality, but rather a temporary feeling which subsides as soon as the conflict is resolved.
What are the many faces of anger? Well, have you ever met a person who is constantly angry about something? There are some people who have integrated anger into their personality style as a permanent trait. They are always angry about everything. They get easily frustrated over small things, get annoyed at events that others simply ignore, and carry their anger wherever they go. No matter what the occasion, they will find something to be dissatisfied with, something they will find very annoying. It seems as if they are intentionally focusing on what can make them mad, as an excuse to let their anger out. Sometimes, such people discover that with their anger they gain control and power over others, and may use their anger deliberately as a manipulative technique. Intimidators, bullies may fall in this category.
Then, there is anger resulting from “narcissistic injury” or a perceived attack on self-esteem and feelings of insult and shame. People with unhealthy self-esteem, who feel unworthy or unloved and carry a lot of shame within them, tend to feel inordinate shame at small insignificant comments made by others, are overly touchy when criticized, ignored, or neglected and may erupt in quite violent anger, often termed “narcissistic rage”. This type of anger turned against the person who has caused the insult or the shaming experience is a way the “insulted” person has found to hit back, get revenge, or release these very intense feelings.
Another variant of narcissistic anger is paranoid anger, often as an extension of the former. In narcissistic anger what is threatened and being responded to is a perceived threat to shaky self-esteem. In paranoid anger the perceived threat is against the person’s basic security or safety. Everyone is out to get such a person, take his/her job, do him/her an injustice, fool and deceive him/her etc. This anger stems from deep feelings of insecurity and lack of trust and is expressed with self-entitlement as a means of protection against the evilness of others. Often, this type of anger takes the form of “moral indignation” – accusing others of being “wrong” or “bad” or “immoral” giving the angry person a false feeling of superiority, while covering underlying feelings of weakness, vulnerability, insecurity, or envy.
The most dangerous type of anger is sudden, explosive anger, which occurs when the individual totally loses control of himself. The causes for this type of anger may be any of the ones mentioned above, and the intensity of the anger reaction can be attributed to faulty impulse control, which may be evident in other forms of extreme impulsivity in that person’s life. People suffering from such anger may harm others or themselves as a way to rid themselves of these very powerful feelings and gain relief.
On the other hand, there are people who are afraid of anger. Perhaps, in their childhood they were taught that it was not appropriate to express anger, or they were so afraid of other people’s anger that they decided that anger was “bad”. Some people are so afraid of anger that not only do they not express it, but cover it up with various defences so that they do not feel their anger any more. Such people’s main concern is to keep the peace at all costs, not rock the boat, not gain the displeasure of another person, not make things even worse, not lose acceptance or love. Anger, theirs or other people’s, is just too upsetting, it disturbs their sense of security and safety and such people tend to shrink back from it and systematically avoid it. Frequently, depression or psychosomatic symptoms may result from this constant repression of anger.
Another type of not expressed anger is called passive-aggressive anger. If the people in the previous category get tumors, people in this category can “cause” tumors to others, by their obstinate uncooperativeness. Frustrating others is their speciality and their cup of tea. Late for appointments, dates, “forgetful” of things, professional procrastinators, and all of that under a meak and mild countenance and a guileless smile. In contrast to repressed anger, which is not consciously felt by the individual, passive-aggressive anger is consciously felt and consciously expressed in this indirect and masked style as a way of revenge or control of others.
And, finally, there is “healthy” anger. What are the characteristics of healthy anger?
Healthy anger is consciously felt – not repressed or avoided.
Healthy anger is filtered through our reasoning faculties and modulated.
Healthy anger is verbally expressed in a civilized and controlled manner and its aim is not to injure, attack, insult or otherwise harm the anger-provoking person, but resolve the anger-provoking situation.
Healthy anger is quickly released once the conflict is over and not held onto as resentment or hard feelings.
And when we can do all that, then with a sigh of relief we may proudly say, Thank God, I Don’t Have Anger “Issues”!!!
“I don’t get angry. I just get tumours.” Woody Allen
Do you often lose your temper? Do you often say things that later you regret because of anger? Do others consider you a volatile person, afraid to be around you, not knowing why or when you will suddenly erupt? Do you feel entitled to having these angry reactions, do you feel that others “make” you angry? Do you sometimes find that anger gives you power over others? Do you sometimes feel that if you don’t do something like breaking an object, or slamming a door, you are going to burst? Have you ever felt weak and incapable of controlling your anger? Have you become violent towards another person because of anger? Have you damaged a person’s property because of anger? If your answer is yes to just a couple of the above, then, Oh My God, You Have Anger Issues!
What is anger? Is it ok? Yes, anger is ok. It is one of our basic reactions and feelings and a natural part of our lives. It is an emotional signal of displeasure with an event or behavior we have encountered. One of our basic skills in life is how to feel our anger, how to manage our anger, and how to express our anger appropriately. However, anger, being a reaction to some sort of conflict between our desires and the response of the environment, should not be a permanent attribute of our personality, but rather a temporary feeling which subsides as soon as the conflict is resolved.
What are the many faces of anger? Well, have you ever met a person who is constantly angry about something? There are some people who have integrated anger into their personality style as a permanent trait. They are always angry about everything. They get easily frustrated over small things, get annoyed at events that others simply ignore, and carry their anger wherever they go. No matter what the occasion, they will find something to be dissatisfied with, something they will find very annoying. It seems as if they are intentionally focusing on what can make them mad, as an excuse to let their anger out. Sometimes, such people discover that with their anger they gain control and power over others, and may use their anger deliberately as a manipulative technique. Intimidators, bullies may fall in this category.
Then, there is anger resulting from “narcissistic injury” or a perceived attack on self-esteem and feelings of insult and shame. People with unhealthy self-esteem, who feel unworthy or unloved and carry a lot of shame within them, tend to feel inordinate shame at small insignificant comments made by others, are overly touchy when criticized, ignored, or neglected and may erupt in quite violent anger, often termed “narcissistic rage”. This type of anger turned against the person who has caused the insult or the shaming experience is a way the “insulted” person has found to hit back, get revenge, or release these very intense feelings.
Another variant of narcissistic anger is paranoid anger, often as an extension of the former. In narcissistic anger what is threatened and being responded to is a perceived threat to shaky self-esteem. In paranoid anger the perceived threat is against the person’s basic security or safety. Everyone is out to get such a person, take his/her job, do him/her an injustice, fool and deceive him/her etc. This anger stems from deep feelings of insecurity and lack of trust and is expressed with self-entitlement as a means of protection against the evilness of others. Often, this type of anger takes the form of “moral indignation” – accusing others of being “wrong” or “bad” or “immoral” giving the angry person a false feeling of superiority, while covering underlying feelings of weakness, vulnerability, insecurity, or envy.
The most dangerous type of anger is sudden, explosive anger, which occurs when the individual totally loses control of himself. The causes for this type of anger may be any of the ones mentioned above, and the intensity of the anger reaction can be attributed to faulty impulse control, which may be evident in other forms of extreme impulsivity in that person’s life. People suffering from such anger may harm others or themselves as a way to rid themselves of these very powerful feelings and gain relief.
On the other hand, there are people who are afraid of anger. Perhaps, in their childhood they were taught that it was not appropriate to express anger, or they were so afraid of other people’s anger that they decided that anger was “bad”. Some people are so afraid of anger that not only do they not express it, but cover it up with various defenses so that they do not feel their anger anymore. Such people’s main concern is to keep the peace at all costs, not rock the boat, not gain the displeasure of another person, not make things even worse, not lose acceptance or love. Anger, theirs or other people’s, is just too upsetting, it disturbs their sense of security and safety and such people tend to shrink back from it and systematically avoid it. Frequently, depression or psychosomatic symptoms may result from this constant repression of anger.
Another type of not expressed anger is called passive-aggressive anger. If the people in the previous category get tumors, people in this category can “cause” tumors to others, by their obstinate uncooperativeness. Frustrating others is their specialty and their cup of tea. Late for appointments, dates, “forgetful” of things, professional procrastinators, and all of that under a meak and mild countenance and a guileless smile. In contrast to repressed anger, which is not consciously felt by the individual, passive-aggressive anger is consciously felt and consciously expressed in this indirect and masked style as a way of revenge or control of others.
And, finally, there is “healthy” anger. What are the characteristics of healthy anger?
Healthy anger is consciously felt – not repressed or avoided.
Healthy anger is filtered through our reasoning faculties and modulated.
Healthy anger is verbally expressed in a civilized and controlled manner and its aim is not to injure, attack, insult or otherwise harm the anger-provoking person, but resolve the anger-provoking situation.
Healthy anger is quickly released once the conflict is over and not held onto as resentment or hard feelings.
And when we can do all that, then with a sigh of relief we may proudly say, Thank God, I Don’t Have Anger “Issues”!!!
“I don’t get angry. I just get tumors.” Woody Allen
Do you often lose your temper? Do you often say things that later you regret because of anger? Do others consider you a volatile person, afraid to be around you, not knowing why or when you will suddenly erupt? Do you feel entitled to having these angry reactions, do you feel that others “make” you angry? Do you sometimes find that anger gives you power over others? Do you sometimes feel that if you don’t do something like breaking an object, or slamming a door, you are going to burst? Have you ever felt weak and incapable of controlling your anger? Have you become violent towards another person because of anger? Have you damaged a person’s property because of anger? If your answer is yes to just a couple of the above, then, Oh My God, You Have Anger Issues!
What is anger? Is it ok? Yes, anger is ok. It is one of our basic reactions and feelings and a natural part of our lives. It is an emotional signal of displeasure with an event or behavior we have encountered. One of our basic skills in life is how to feel our anger, how to manage our anger, and how to express our anger appropriately. However, anger, being a reaction to some sort of conflict between our desires and the response of the environment, should not be a permanent attribute of our personality, but rather a temporary feeling which subsides as soon as the conflict is resolved.
What are the many faces of anger? Well, have you ever met a person who is constantly angry about something? There are some people who have integrated anger into their personality style as a permanent trait. They are always angry about everything. They get easily frustrated over small things, get annoyed at events that others simply ignore, and carry their anger wherever they go. No matter what the occasion, they will find something to be dissatisfied with, something they will find very annoying. It seems as if they are intentionally focusing on what can make them mad, as an excuse to let their anger out. Sometimes, such people discover that with their anger they gain control and power over others, and may use their anger deliberately as a manipulative technique. Intimidators, bullies may fall in this category.
Then, there is anger resulting from “narcissistic injury” or a perceived attack on self-esteem and feelings of insult and shame. People with unhealthy self-esteem, who feel unworthy or unloved and carry a lot of shame within them, tend to feel inordinate shame at small insignificant comments made by others, are overly touchy when criticized, ignored, or neglected and may erupt in quite violent anger, often termed “narcissistic rage”. This type of anger turned against the person who has caused the insult or the shaming experience is a way the “insulted” person has found to hit back, get revenge, or release these very intense feelings.
Another variant of narcissistic anger is paranoid anger, often as an extension of the former. In narcissistic anger what is threatened and being responded to is a perceived threat to shaky self-esteem. In paranoid anger the perceived threat is against the person’s basic security or safety. Everyone is out to get such a person, take his/her job, do him/her an injustice, fool and deceive him/her etc. This anger stems from deep feelings of insecurity and lack of trust and is expressed with self-entitlement as a means of protection against the evilness of others. Often, this type of anger takes the form of “moral indignation” – accusing others of being “wrong” or “bad” or “immoral” giving the angry person a false feeling of superiority, while covering underlying feelings of weakness, vulnerability, insecurity, or envy.
The most dangerous type of anger is sudden, explosive anger, which occurs when the individual totally loses control of himself. The causes for this type of anger may be any of the ones mentioned above, and the intensity of the anger reaction can be attributed to faulty impulse control, which may be evident in other forms of extreme impulsivity in that person’s life. People suffering from such anger may harm others or themselves as a way to rid themselves of these very powerful feelings and gain relief.
On the other hand, there are people who are afraid of anger. Perhaps, in their childhood they were taught that it was not appropriate to express anger, or they were so afraid of other people’s anger that they decided that anger was “bad”. Some people are so afraid of anger that not only do they not express it, but cover it up with various defenses so that they do not feel their anger anymore. Such people’s main concern is to keep the peace at all costs, not rock the boat, not gain the displeasure of another person, not make things even worse, not lose acceptance or love. Anger, theirs or other people’s, is just too upsetting, it disturbs their sense of security and safety and such people tend to shrink back from it and systematically avoid it. Frequently, depression or psychosomatic symptoms may result from this constant repression of anger.
Another type of not expressed anger is called passive-aggressive anger. If the people in the previous category get tumors, people in this category can “cause” tumors to others, by their obstinate uncooperativeness. Frustrating others is their specialty and their cup of tea. Late for appointments, dates, “forgetful” of things, professional procrastinators, and all of that under a meak and mild countenance and a guileless smile. In contrast to repressed anger, which is not consciously felt by the individual, passive-aggressive anger is consciously felt and consciously expressed in this indirect and masked style as a way of revenge or control of others.
And, finally, there is “healthy” anger. What are the characteristics of healthy anger?
Healthy anger is consciously felt – not repressed or avoided.
Healthy anger is filtered through our reasoning faculties and modulated.
Healthy anger is verbally expressed in a civilized and controlled manner and its aim is not to injure, attack, insult or otherwise harm the anger-provoking person, but resolve the anger-provoking situation.
Healthy anger is quickly released once the conflict is over and not held onto as resentment or hard feelings.
And when we can do all that, then with a sigh of relief we may proudly say, Thank God, I Don’t Have Anger “Issues”!!!
“I don’t get angry. I just get tumors.” Woody Allen
Do you often lose your temper? Do you often say things that you later regret because of anger? Do others consider you a volatile person, afraid to be around you, not knowing why or when you will suddenly erupt? Do you feel entitled to having these angry reactions, do you feel that others “make” you angry? Do you sometimes find that anger gives you power over others? Do you sometimes feel that if you don’t do something like breaking an object, or slamming a door, you are going to burst? Have you ever felt weak and incapable of controlling your anger? Have you become violent towards another person because of anger? Have you damaged a person’s property because of anger? If your answer is yes to just a couple of the above, then, Oh My God, You Have Anger Issues!
What is anger? Is it ok? Yes, anger is ok. It is one of our basic reactions and feelings and a natural part of our lives. It is an emotional signal of displeasure with an event or behavior we have encountered. One of our basic skills in life is how to feel our anger, how to manage our anger, and how to express our anger appropriately. However, anger, being a reaction to some sort of conflict between our desires and the response of the environment, should not be a permanent attribute of our personality, but rather a temporary feeling which subsides as soon as the conflict is resolved.
What are the many faces of anger? Well, have you ever met a person who is constantly angry about something? There are some people who have integrated anger into their personality style as a permanent trait. They are always angry about everything. They get easily frustrated over small things, get annoyed at events that others simply ignore, and carry their anger wherever they go. No matter what the occasion, they will find something to be dissatisfied with, something they will find very annoying. It seems as if they are intentionally focusing on what can make them mad, as an excuse to let their anger out. Sometimes, such people discover that with their anger they gain control and power over others, and may use their anger deliberately as a manipulative technique. Intimidators, bullies may fall in this category.
Then, there is anger resulting from “narcissistic injury” or a perceived attack on self-esteem and feelings of insult and shame. People with unhealthy self-esteem, who feel unworthy or unloved and carry a lot of shame within them, tend to feel inordinate shame at small insignificant comments made by others, are overly touchy when criticized, ignored, or neglected and may erupt in quite violent anger, often termed “narcissistic rage”. This type of anger turned against the person who has caused the insult or the shaming experience is a way the “insulted” person has found to hit back, get revenge, or release these very intense feelings.
Another variant of narcissistic anger is paranoid anger, often as an extension of the former. In narcissistic anger what is threatened and being responded to is a perceived threat to shaky self-esteem. In paranoid anger the perceived threat is against the person’s basic security or safety. Everyone is out to get such a person, take his/her job, do him/her an injustice, fool and deceive him/her etc. This anger stems from deep feelings of insecurity and lack of trust and is expressed with self-entitlement as a means of protection against the evilness of others. Often, this type of anger takes the form of “moral indignation” – accusing others of being “wrong” or “bad” or “immoral” giving the angry person a false feeling of superiority, while covering underlying feelings of weakness, vulnerability, insecurity, or envy.
The most dangerous type of anger is sudden, explosive anger, which occurs when the individual totally loses control of himself. The causes for this type of anger may be any of the ones mentioned above, and the intensity of the anger reaction can be attributed to faulty impulse control, which may be evident in other forms of extreme impulsivity in that person’s life. People suffering from such anger may harm others or themselves as a way to rid themselves of these very powerful feelings and gain relief.
On the other hand, there are people who are afraid of anger. Perhaps, in their childhood they were taught that it was not appropriate to express anger, or they were so afraid of other people’s anger that they decided that anger was “bad”. Some people are so afraid of anger that not only do they not express it, but cover it up with various defenses so that they do not feel their anger anymore. Such people’s main concern is to keep the peace at all costs, not rock the boat, not gain the displeasure of another person, not make things even worse, not lose acceptance or love. Anger, theirs or other people’s, is just too upsetting, it disturbs their sense of security and safety and such people tend to shrink back from it and systematically avoid it. Frequently, depression or psychosomatic symptoms may result from this constant repression of anger.
Another type of not expressed anger is called passive-aggressive anger. If the people in the previous category get tumors, people in this category can “cause” tumors to others, by their obstinate uncooperativeness. Frustrating others is their specialty and their cup of tea. Late for appointments, dates, “forgetful” of things, professional procrastinators, and all of that under a meak and mild countenance and a guileless smile. In contrast to repressed anger, which is not consciously felt by the individual, passive-aggressive anger is consciously felt and consciously expressed in this indirect and masked style as a way of revenge or control of others.
And, finally, there is “healthy” anger. What are the characteristics of healthy anger?
Healthy anger is consciously felt – not repressed or avoided.
Healthy anger is filtered through our reasoning faculties and modulated.
Healthy anger is verbally expressed in a civilized and controlled manner and its aim is not to injure, attack, insult or otherwise harm the anger-provoking person, but resolve the anger-provoking situation.
Healthy anger is quickly released once the conflict is over and not held onto as resentment or hard feelings.
And when we can do all that, then with a sigh of relief we may proudly say, Thank God, I Don’t Have Anger “Issues”!!!
Everyday you make a thousand choices. You choose what to wear, where to go, who to meet, what to eat and what to do. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, YOU decide WHAT TO THINK. One thing is sure and that is that your day will not be better than your thoughts. ...................
Just close your eyes for a moment and see if you can visualise this open toolbox and if you can see the hundreds of tools that are neatly placed in this toolbox. Now look if you can see the maker’s name on these tools. The creator of these tools (thoughts and perceptions) is you. You created thousands of thoughts and perceptions (tools) about everything since your childhood. ..................
When confronted with any situation or problem you reach into this toolbox and take out what you think the most appropriate tool would be and then attempt to fix the problem. It is estimated that your mind thinks at least 2,500 thoughts an hour. Every thought that you think is a tool (perception) that you have that you imagine would work best under specific circumstances. This thought process continues day and night and will do so for the rest of your life. .....................................
I am convinced that we think ourselves to a standstill. We never stop playing with these tools in our toolbox and can hardly ever really relax for a while. If we are not faced with a problem or task that needs completion we still continue to take out these tools and mentally rehears and contemplate how we will use them should something that we fear become a reality. ............................
We are forever thinking and scheming and never become still and tranquil inside. Our bodies might seem relaxed, but deep inside our heads this thought process continues churning around. What I am most worried about is that most of the tools that you have in your toolbox are very old and outdated. .......................
Many of the opportunities, problems and obstructions that you face daily cannot be repaired while you are using old and outdated tools. If you take a modern mechanic’s toolbox and you place the toolbox of a mechanic of fifty years ago next to it you will find that there are major discrepancies. When you are confronted with something that needs repair and you do not have the right tool for the task at hand it can be very frustrating. We usually improvise and try using some other tools and hope that it will also get the job done. ........................
When you are faced with a problem you need to select the right tool for the task at hand. If you do not have the tool in your toolbox it can complicate your life. What most people seem to ignore is that it is sometimes better not to reach for your toolbox when faced with a problem. Sometimes you need time to pass or need to leave the problem with its rightful owner. How well you use your tools is usually reflected in the world you see around you. What would you do if you were faced with any or all of the following? .........................
You get a flat tire on your way to an important customer or meeting. You can fall apart, develop a migraine and think that life is against you or you can take out the right tools (patience and reality) and take care of the problem in a relaxed manner. ........................
You have been working on the computer for hours and suddenly lose all your work. You can drop dead with a heart attack; think that God hates you or you can take out the right tool (sanity and reality) and begin over and this time remember to make a backup of your work. ....................
A lover or wife possibly cheated on you. You can go crazy and get an assassin to take out the potential threat to your relationship, think that you are a failure or you can take out the right tool (no fear of loss) and get on with your life. .......................
When you have the right tools in your toolbox it makes life a lot easier. The choices we make are vital in our lives. The more quality choices we make during any given day the higher the probability of success and peace of mind. ................
I suggest that you equip your toolbox with the best tools you can lay your hands on. It is important to upgrade if you discover that one of your tools are outdated or that a more modern version is available. How would you react if your TV packed up and a technician that obviously knows very little about electronics arrived at your house with only a sledgehammer and a few other primitive tools in his toolbox? I am sure that you will send him away and find someone better qualified and equipped for the task. .....................
You might sometimes be like this incompetent and poorly equipped technician indicated above if you do not often update your tools (thoughts) in your toolbox. You can also have all the right tools in your toolbox and never use them because you are afraid that you might make a mistake. ..................
You must remember that happiness and success is always just one thought (tool) away. You should remember when you find it difficult to cope with something that one new tool (thought) could change your life. One fresh thought and one new idea can change your life from pain and suffering to success and peace of mind. ........................
You are today what you were programmed with yesterday. The choices that you make on a moment-to-moment basis decide your fate and future. You can never feel or perform better than the ongoing thoughts and feelings that you allow to occupy your mind! .......................
The mistake we make is that most of us live our lives on a reactive basis. We start and complete our day in a reactive state of being. Something comes to our attention via our five senses or via a thought in our mind. We automatically slip into the “role” that we created for ourselves many moons ago. We act, react and experience the same feelings and emotions that we embedded with our scrip at its inception. We do exactly the same when new stimuli push the previous “drama” off the stage in our minds. We sustain this reactive mode of thinking until we finally go to bed at night. Most of our days are made up of a tapestry of “roles” that we played in our own colorful way. It is important to understand that nothing is going to change until we do something different. We cannot repeat the same old recipes and expect a different outcome. ....................
You can use the “Portable Life Skills Wisdom” book to develop a range of appropriate scripts that you can use when you are faced with a problem or project that need your attention. You will if you apply the scripts in this book find that you no longer run your life on a reactive basis. The new scripts will help you to live your life in the moment. You will become more realistic. You will treat each event on its own merit. How do you do this? ......................
The Process ....................
Read the first message in your book. Write it down if at all possible. It will assist you to absorb the data provided. Now sit back and close your eyes and visualize how you will apply the specific message in the various areas of your life. See yourself on the screen of your mind using the message in all your day-to-day activities. It is important to attempt to feel and experience the benefits that this new mode of thinking will bring into your life. Do this for ten minutes. Then open your eyes and begin to apply the wisdom on all occasions where appropriate in your activities on that given day. ...........................
Proceed to do the same with second message etc. in your book tomorrow. You will upload almost a thousand powerful recipes if you sustain the process indicated above. You can in less than three years upload a powerful “tool” system that will serve you for the rest of your life. This can be a life changing experience if you apply it daily. You will discover that the ten minutes you invest daily will upload countless new strategies into your subconscious computer. Build a successful and happy life. The key however is action. You can have the best tools available to man and still fail if you don’t use them daily. Wishing you the very best with this endeavor. .............................
Daily Support System (This Blog) ................
You not only have the massive key ideas in the book that you can use when appropriate you also receive daily posts on a wide range of subjects that will expand this system to a level never offered before. Visit this blog daily for fresh new ideas with a sprinkle of historical wisdom that stood the test of time. ..........................
Rene