Living your life in the moment can be the most liberating thing you ever decided on. When will we learn that we do most of our living in our heads? We experience life according to the wide range of meanings we historically allocated to everything. Other people live their lives using the same principle. It is wonderful to know that we can bring fun, joy and happiness to our lives by allowing other individuals to live their lives according to their own perceptions.
Question – Are you easy to be with or do people run for the hills when they see you approaching?
Barbara’s highly praised book – “Are you happy now? – 10 ways to live a happy life” will be released in the US, the UK and the other English-speaking countries on August 30, 2013!
For Barbara’s many readers around the world, the book is already available in Czech, Danish, Dutch, Estonian, Finnish, Greek, Hebrew, Hungarian, Italian, Korean, Latvian, Lithuanian and Swedish. And will be coming in Icelandic later this year.
Mind your own business
One of the main messages of the book is that if you want to live a happy life, it’s a good idea to mind your own business! Here’s a short excerpt from Chapter 5 which is called “Mind Your Own Business”. Enjoy!
“Minding other people’s business is a sure-fire way to make yourself unhappy. That’s why if you want to live a happy life, I highly recommend you take a close look at this mechanism and ask yourself whose business you are in?
But what exactly do I mean by “minding someone else’s business”?
Well when you mind your own business, you take care of yourself. You are in your own space, focusing on what is going on inside you and on what’s good for you. And you try to make the best possible decisions and take the best possible actions based on everything you know, feel, and love.
When you are minding someone else’s business, you are in their space either telling the person in your mind or out loud to their face what you think they should feel, think and/or do. When you do this, you’re minding their business. And minding another person’s business is quite simply invading their space, unless they have specifically asked for your help or opinion.
So try watching yourself during the day and ask yourself “Whose business am I in right now? Am I minding my own business or someone else’s? Who am I making judgments and decisions for right now? For me or for someone else? And who am I worrying about right now? Who am I thinking about, making plans for, or afraid for?”
You might want to put this book down and ask yourself this question right now. Who’s in your mind at the moment? Who are you worried about right now? Is it your mate, your parents, your friends, your kids? And what kind of worry is it? Is it concrete and practical because you’re standing right next to this person and he or she is in a life and death situation right this minute and only you can save them? (Probably not because how can you be reading this book at the same time?) Or are you extending yourself into their space and making judgments and suggestions—in your own mind—that are not yours to make?
It’s interesting to think about. And it’s interesting to observe as you go through your day and interact with your family, friends and business colleagues. This is a new concept for many people because it’s something we don’t learn in school. So few people are truly aware of what they’re doing. But if you want to live a happy life, the time to wake up and become aware of this mechanism is right now. The key to releasing yourself and others is to stay at home in your own business. Watch what you’re doing and when you find you are moving out of your own space, make the conscious decision to pull back your projections and ideas about what you think other people should or shouldn’t be doing. And stay home with yourself!
When you start to understand this mechanism and begin to notice what you’re doing, you’re probably going to find that a lot of the time you’re everywhere except at home with yourself. If this is the case, don’t despair. Becoming aware of this mechanism is in itself a powerful impulse for transformation. And it works automatically because as you start to see what you are doing, your natural inclination will be to pull back your projections, ideas and suggestions about what you think is good for other people. Your natural inclination will be to let them decide for themselves. Because as you wake up, it becomes obvious that you can’t know what’s good for them anyway. In my experience, thinking that you can or do, causes nothing but pain and personal anguish.
So all we’re left with is the question – whose business are you in? Theirs or yours?”
Here is a list of the 10 ways Barbara talks about in the book:
No. 1: Accept what is The number 1 cause of suffering and unhappiness is wanting life to be something it’s not.
No. 2: Want what you have The number 2 cause of suffering and unhappiness is wanting what you don’t have.
No. 3: Be honest with yourself The number 3 cause of suffering and unhappiness is not communicating honestly with yourself.
No. 4: Investigate your stories The number 4 cause of suffering and unhappiness are the scary stories you tell yourself about life and the world.
No. 5: Mind your own business The number 5 cause of suffering and unhappiness is minding other people’s business.
No. 6: Follow your passion and accept the consequences The number 6 cause of suffering and unhappiness is not doing what you want because you think people will disapprove.
No. 7: Do the right thing and accept the consequences The number 7 cause of suffering and unhappiness is not doing the right thing because you’re afraid of the consequences.
No. 8: Deal with what is in front of you and forget the rest The number 8 cause of suffering and unhappiness is shadowboxing with illusions instead of dealing with the reality in front of you.
No. 9: Know what is what The number 9 cause of suffering and unhappiness is wanting absolute satisfaction from relative experiences.
No. 10: Learn to see beyond impermanence The number 10 cause of suffering and unhappiness is believing we become nothing.
When disagreements arise one of the parties may try to manipulate the other person, quite unconsciously of course, into doing what he or she wants. When this happens, it is often because of underlying beliefs the person is not aware of and which he/she has not investigated. You can help uncover these belief patterns and help the other person become aware of these underlying belief patterns by using a technique called negative inquiry. When you use negative inquiry, it means that instead of getting defensive when the other person criticizes you, you reply to their criticism by asking questions.
Here’s an example of how negative inquiry works. You want to spend some time alone this weekend. Your partner criticizes you for wanting to spend time alone this weekend and tries to manipulate you by making you feel guilty for wanting what you want. Using negative inquiry, you can reply to his/her criticism with questions such as:
– I don’t understand why my wanting to spend some time alone makes
you unhappy.
– I don’t understand how something like this can make you unhappy?
– Why does my wanting to spend some time alone this weekend make you unhappy?
– I hear what you are saying, but why does my wanting to spend time
alone make you unhappy?
When you ask questions like this, you prompt the other person to explain why they are feeling as they do. When he or she answers, you may discover, for example, that your partner feels insecure when this situation arises because he/she equates your wanting to be alone with not loving him or her. This uninvestigated belief may be causing your partner a lot of anguish about something, which is just not true. You do love your partner and you still want to spend some time alone. In your mind, these two things are not connected; but in your partner’s mind they are. As a result, a misunderstanding has arisen. By means of negative inquiry, you can bring this belief to light and hopefully clear up the misunderstanding. You can assure your partner that you really do love him/her and still have some time alone!
Another spin on this scenario could be that your partner thinks that since you are a couple, you ‘should’ spend all your free time together. But who says people who are in love should spend all their free time together? Again, this is another interesting belief that may be causing a lot of anguish in a relationship. Regardless of what your negative inquiry uncovers, bringing uninvestigated beliefs out in the open can be a great help.
Underlying beliefs
We all have underlying or basic beliefs about life like the ones mentioned above that we are usually unaware of. But whether we are aware of these beliefs or not, they influence our behaviour and reactions in all the situations of our life. That’s why it’s always a good idea to try to uncover and investigate these beliefs and see if they are true or not. Because if these beliefs are untrue and are mere fantasies or misunderstandings about the nature of life and reality, we are causing ourselves needless suffering. When we uncover and question these basic beliefs we find we can release ourselves from those that are untrue. Then we experience a new freedom, and peace and harmony in our minds and thus in our lives.
Making other people suffer
When it comes to honest communications, here’s a basic belief that many people are having trouble with. It’s the idea that we can actually make other people suffer or that other people can make us suffer. This belief is really a gem. You are experiencing it if you sometimes have the feeling (without knowing exactly why) that your choices and actions are making other people suffer. Or it may be the other way around and you may feel that someone else’s choices and actions are making you suffer. We find this interesting idea behind so many of the problems that arise in our relationships with our partners, family and friends.
But let us ask ourselves if this is true? Is it true that we have the power to make other people suffer? Or that someone else has the power to make us suffer?
When we understand that we live in a mental universe and that everything we experience in our lives—everything—is a thought, we understand that all our experiences are nothing more (and nothing less) than our interpretation of events. No event or circumstance in itself can affect us one way or the other because we can only experience our thoughts about events and circumstances.
It takes only a little investigation to discover that this is true. Let’s take some examples.
Example 1: Your boyfriend breaks your dinner engagement. You were supposed to go out to dinner with your boyfriend tonight. At four o’clock in the afternoon he calls to tell you his boss wants him to work late and he simply cannot get away so he has to cancel the date. Does his decision make you suffer? That depends on how you react.
How do you react?
– You’re disappointed but understand. And you tell him so.
– You get angry because this isn’t the first time this has happened. You think he’s a workaholic and that he feels his job is more important than his relationship with you. You wonder if you want to continue the relationship. (You suffer.)
– You’re relieved because you also have a lot of work piling up and you could use the evening to catch up. And you tell him so.
– You’re overjoyed because you’re tired and really want to have an evening to yourself.
– You’re happy because you want him to do what’s right for him in all
situations and you tell him so.
And so on. Of course there are many more ways you could react. But the point is, how you experience the broken dinner engagement depends completely and entirely on your thoughts – and not on the fact that he had to cancel. Whether you are sad (suffer) or neutral or overjoyed depends entirely on your own agenda. It has absolutely nothing to do with him.
This is why we can say nothing external can affect us.
Let’s take another example.
Example 2: Your mother criticizes you for making poor choices in your life. You make an important life decision like dropping out of school, changing your job, moving away or getting married and your mother criticizes you. She says you’re making a big mistake and you’re going to regret it. She says you’re immature and never listen. She’s upset and unhappy with your decision. Do her comments make you suffer? That depends on how you react.
So how do you react?
– You immediately get defensive and feel that your mother will never understand you and you tell her so. You end up quarreling and slamming down the phone. You feel angry and upset all week. (You suffer.)
– You wonder how come you are so unfortunate to have a mother who never understands you. All your friends’ mothers are so much more understanding and supportive. But you don’t say anything. When the conversation is over, you feel hurt and humiliated at having such a mother. It bothers you all week long. (You suffer).
– You listen to what she’s saying and reply “Mother you might be right and I still feel this is the best course of action for me. But thanks for your concern.” You are really touched by her concern and tell her so but you also feel a bit sad that your mother doesn’t really understand your situation. But you accept that that’s just the way it is.
– You laugh to yourself because you know your mother doesn’t have a clue about you and your life, but you don’t tell her so. You know she’s just a little old lady who’s trying her best to help you and who wants you to have a good life.
And so on. Again there are many more ways you could react to your mother’s remarks. And again we see that your experience of your mother’s advice (whether it makes you suffer or sad or not) depends completely on your thoughts about your mother and her role in your life. Your reaction has nothing to do with your mother, but rather are the result of your beliefs and stories about your mother and your relationship to her. The reality is that your mother is just telling you what she thinks – based on her beliefs about life!
Neither the future nor the past can ever be dealt with, and they don’t need to be. You only need to deal with your present-moment thoughts about them. When you are not having thoughts about those two realms of time, they bear zero relevance to your life. You can safely let them go and feel free to deal with the living moment at hand.
This truth, once I fully understood it, released a huge weight from around my neck. Life wasn’t crushing and heavy, it was as light as air. Thin as a photograph. I was finally able to look into each moment as if it were nothing more than an infinitely detailed and poignant living picture. I could finally take the moments one at a time, because I understood that there never was more than one. I could appreciate and observe each one, and know that my whole life lies within it, not just a tiny fraction. There are no ghastly fears out there, stalking me from somewhere else, waiting to pounce. If they existed, they’d be right here, in the picture for me to look at with the rest of the scenery. Moments do hold me captive, and everything else does drop away. But they aren’t few and far between, they’re broadcast live, 24-7.
Moments can be observed with clarity, and can be navigated deftly, but our whole lives are just too vast to be managed at all, no matter how strong or organized we become. The crushing weight of one’s entire past is always too much to bear, as is the frightful spectre of another forty or fifty years rife with dilemmas and tragedies. It’s far too complex; there are too many contingencies and unknowns. Surely something in there will overwhelm or destroy us.
A human being just can’t deal with that, and often it feels like the best we can do is distract ourselves from it. But we don’t need to.
We just have to recognize that there is no ‘out there’ at all. Life is in right front of you, all of it, always. And there isn’t any more to it.
Everyday you make a thousand choices. You choose what to wear, where to go, who to meet, what to eat and what to do. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, YOU decide WHAT TO THINK. One thing is sure and that is that your day will not be better than your thoughts. ...................
Just close your eyes for a moment and see if you can visualise this open toolbox and if you can see the hundreds of tools that are neatly placed in this toolbox. Now look if you can see the maker’s name on these tools. The creator of these tools (thoughts and perceptions) is you. You created thousands of thoughts and perceptions (tools) about everything since your childhood. ..................
When confronted with any situation or problem you reach into this toolbox and take out what you think the most appropriate tool would be and then attempt to fix the problem. It is estimated that your mind thinks at least 2,500 thoughts an hour. Every thought that you think is a tool (perception) that you have that you imagine would work best under specific circumstances. This thought process continues day and night and will do so for the rest of your life. .....................................
I am convinced that we think ourselves to a standstill. We never stop playing with these tools in our toolbox and can hardly ever really relax for a while. If we are not faced with a problem or task that needs completion we still continue to take out these tools and mentally rehears and contemplate how we will use them should something that we fear become a reality. ............................
We are forever thinking and scheming and never become still and tranquil inside. Our bodies might seem relaxed, but deep inside our heads this thought process continues churning around. What I am most worried about is that most of the tools that you have in your toolbox are very old and outdated. .......................
Many of the opportunities, problems and obstructions that you face daily cannot be repaired while you are using old and outdated tools. If you take a modern mechanic’s toolbox and you place the toolbox of a mechanic of fifty years ago next to it you will find that there are major discrepancies. When you are confronted with something that needs repair and you do not have the right tool for the task at hand it can be very frustrating. We usually improvise and try using some other tools and hope that it will also get the job done. ........................
When you are faced with a problem you need to select the right tool for the task at hand. If you do not have the tool in your toolbox it can complicate your life. What most people seem to ignore is that it is sometimes better not to reach for your toolbox when faced with a problem. Sometimes you need time to pass or need to leave the problem with its rightful owner. How well you use your tools is usually reflected in the world you see around you. What would you do if you were faced with any or all of the following? .........................
You get a flat tire on your way to an important customer or meeting. You can fall apart, develop a migraine and think that life is against you or you can take out the right tools (patience and reality) and take care of the problem in a relaxed manner. ........................
You have been working on the computer for hours and suddenly lose all your work. You can drop dead with a heart attack; think that God hates you or you can take out the right tool (sanity and reality) and begin over and this time remember to make a backup of your work. ....................
A lover or wife possibly cheated on you. You can go crazy and get an assassin to take out the potential threat to your relationship, think that you are a failure or you can take out the right tool (no fear of loss) and get on with your life. .......................
When you have the right tools in your toolbox it makes life a lot easier. The choices we make are vital in our lives. The more quality choices we make during any given day the higher the probability of success and peace of mind. ................
I suggest that you equip your toolbox with the best tools you can lay your hands on. It is important to upgrade if you discover that one of your tools are outdated or that a more modern version is available. How would you react if your TV packed up and a technician that obviously knows very little about electronics arrived at your house with only a sledgehammer and a few other primitive tools in his toolbox? I am sure that you will send him away and find someone better qualified and equipped for the task. .....................
You might sometimes be like this incompetent and poorly equipped technician indicated above if you do not often update your tools (thoughts) in your toolbox. You can also have all the right tools in your toolbox and never use them because you are afraid that you might make a mistake. ..................
You must remember that happiness and success is always just one thought (tool) away. You should remember when you find it difficult to cope with something that one new tool (thought) could change your life. One fresh thought and one new idea can change your life from pain and suffering to success and peace of mind. ........................
You are today what you were programmed with yesterday. The choices that you make on a moment-to-moment basis decide your fate and future. You can never feel or perform better than the ongoing thoughts and feelings that you allow to occupy your mind! .......................
The mistake we make is that most of us live our lives on a reactive basis. We start and complete our day in a reactive state of being. Something comes to our attention via our five senses or via a thought in our mind. We automatically slip into the “role” that we created for ourselves many moons ago. We act, react and experience the same feelings and emotions that we embedded with our scrip at its inception. We do exactly the same when new stimuli push the previous “drama” off the stage in our minds. We sustain this reactive mode of thinking until we finally go to bed at night. Most of our days are made up of a tapestry of “roles” that we played in our own colorful way. It is important to understand that nothing is going to change until we do something different. We cannot repeat the same old recipes and expect a different outcome. ....................
You can use the “Portable Life Skills Wisdom” book to develop a range of appropriate scripts that you can use when you are faced with a problem or project that need your attention. You will if you apply the scripts in this book find that you no longer run your life on a reactive basis. The new scripts will help you to live your life in the moment. You will become more realistic. You will treat each event on its own merit. How do you do this? ......................
The Process ....................
Read the first message in your book. Write it down if at all possible. It will assist you to absorb the data provided. Now sit back and close your eyes and visualize how you will apply the specific message in the various areas of your life. See yourself on the screen of your mind using the message in all your day-to-day activities. It is important to attempt to feel and experience the benefits that this new mode of thinking will bring into your life. Do this for ten minutes. Then open your eyes and begin to apply the wisdom on all occasions where appropriate in your activities on that given day. ...........................
Proceed to do the same with second message etc. in your book tomorrow. You will upload almost a thousand powerful recipes if you sustain the process indicated above. You can in less than three years upload a powerful “tool” system that will serve you for the rest of your life. This can be a life changing experience if you apply it daily. You will discover that the ten minutes you invest daily will upload countless new strategies into your subconscious computer. Build a successful and happy life. The key however is action. You can have the best tools available to man and still fail if you don’t use them daily. Wishing you the very best with this endeavor. .............................
Daily Support System (This Blog) ................
You not only have the massive key ideas in the book that you can use when appropriate you also receive daily posts on a wide range of subjects that will expand this system to a level never offered before. Visit this blog daily for fresh new ideas with a sprinkle of historical wisdom that stood the test of time. ..........................
Rene
PORTABLE LIFE SKILLS DAILY WISDOM GUIDE 