When two people come together there are now three parts to this system; “you,” “me,” and “we.”

One thing I notice in a lot of couples who come through my door is a lack of balance in their relationship. What do I mean by this? When two people come together there are now three parts to this system; “you,” “me,” and “we.” Imagine if you draw two overlapping circles. There are three parts – the individual pieces on the sides and the overlapping piece in the middle. The outer parts represent each person and the middle is where they join in relationship. Every relationship will look slightly different on paper in where the emphasis is.

On one end of the continuum will be the couple where each person essentially lives a separate life with different friends, few mutual decisions and little time spent together. I once had a couple who literally never sat down to eat with one another and had separate bedrooms. On paper, this couple would be drawn as two separate circles next to each other with no overlap. Essentially, they are extremely “you” and “me” focused with no “we.” In this scenario, one partner often desires more togetherness with the other but their mate possibly fears intimacy and a perceived loss of their independence.

On the other side, there’s the couple who spends as much time as humanly possible together, with no outside friendships or interests. They are totally enmeshed in one another. They live “as one.” The circles would be almost totally overlapping each other, with most of the focus on “we” and very little, if any “you” and “me.” Sometimes, this can be the dynamic in a controlling relationship where one person pulls the other one in very close to maintain control.

The previous examples are extreme and the reality is that most people fall somewhere in the middle. It’s important to mention that these balance styles may work for some people and if it does, that’s wonderful. However, in my experience, I find that the most content couples are those whose circles overlap in the middle, where there is equal attention paid to “you,” “me” and “we.” Each partner is able to maintain their own identity, friends, hobbies and outside interests while nurturing the relationship. A personally fulfilled person can be more open, giving and loving to their partner than one who has lost their identity. The relationship is where they come together to share their friendship, intimacy, struggles, mutual friends, hopes dreams, meals and bills.

When I work with couples, I always assess their relationship balance and whether it’s working for them both. If it’s not, it first must be understood why they operate that way. There are many reasons that motivate people towards the various styles including family of origin experience (what did their parents do?), fear of engulfment or the opposite, fear of abandonment. The next step is figuring out what they can do differently to create more balance. Often it involves increased awareness, better communication and behavioural change. Ideally, the end result is the two overlapping circles that validate all three parts – the “you,” the “me” and the “we.”

By: Lisa Kift, MA

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Many infidelity cases that shattered relationships and ripped families apart came about because of the poor management of access.

Most of us are aware that we have a “space” around us that we don’t like penetrated. Our subconscious perimeter warning and defence system guide our physical body away from anyone that don’t have a perimeter pass that bridge our “comfort zone”. We only allow a relative few individuals to come within the inner sanctuary of our comfort zone. Our comfort zone perimeter extends about a meter away from our body. Every person developed a unique technique to block further penetration of their comfort zone. This technique usually includes strong verbal messages that warn the perpetrator to retreat. Some of us that experienced forced entry into our comfort zone (abuse etc.) may have experience strong discomfort long before a person came in contact with the outer limits of our comfort perimeter. It is amazing how two individuals in love, especially during the initial stage of courtship gradually manage to turn their alarm systems off when they desire physical contact. It is a known fact that access, especially by the female often becomes a tool to regulate and control their partner. The male is then expected to toe the line and go through a specified range of courtship rituals before he is allowed to bridge his partner’s comfort zone. In short the original spontaneity early in the courtship is now replaced by a deal making and negotiation process. This strategy when overcooked can gradually lead to a range of problems in a relationship and also promote infidelity. The man is a hunter by nature and could sooner or later reach a point where he had enough of the howling alarms and often unrealistic demands of his partner before he is allowed access to his partner’s inner domain. Many infidelity cases that shattered relationships and ripped families apart came about because of the poor management of this access system. Use this powerful tool with great circumspection. There are an endless range of remedies that can be applied to repair relationship problems. Overzealous application of access requirements is not one of them.

 Rene

 

Many are doomed from the moment of their birth to a lifetime of struggle and poverty.

Only a fool will believe the bullshit that we live in a free society where you can still live your dream. Many are doomed from the moment of their birth to a lifetime of struggle and poverty.

 

I once more this week became aware how society has been fractured into a countless number of zones. Attempting to breach the perimeters of any demarcated no-go zone without the correct code can land you in deep trouble. Look at schools for example. We are often fooled into believing that everything is ok in schools by the perceived carefree laughter and the fun and games that we observe. Closer inspection might reveal the fragmentation and friendship layers that exist throughout that school. There are millions of children that go to school daily that are lonely, isolated and feel rejected because, try as they may they just cannot gain or earn access passes to a wide range of facilities and groups. These invisible pods in society include religious, race, financial, intellectual and social groups that demand access approval. Take religion for example. There are religions that preach that they have sole ownership of God. You are thus forced to obtain an access pass to their church if you want to sustain your hopes of a pleasant afterlife. Earning this pass include unconditional acceptance of their deity that according to their convictions died for your sins. In short these individuals believe that only those that gained access passes via their church or movement will gain entry into heaven. We once more live in a country where the colour of your skin became the preferred access pass to job opportunities. It is sad to see how the current regime is duplicating the same horrific system used by the previous deluded government. Politicians justify the access control put in place, protected by law by throwing around terms like affirmative action, BEE and reconstruction. Access to affluence is extremely difficult. You need access to specific influential groups, opportunities and an endless range of other pods if you want to enter the world of financial independence. Ninety percent plus of all finances worldwide is in the hands of a tiny minority. The idea of access control as explained in this series might not be new to you, but when last did you observe the matrix of life with its endless range of guarded access points? Can you understand why many of us feel that we are slaves in a system that is slanted against us? Only a fool will believe the bullshit that we live in a free society where you can still live your dream. Many are doomed from the moment of their birth to a lifetime of struggle and poverty. Open your eyes and you will notice the endless controlled access points all around you.

 Rene

 

A certificate, label (manager, supervisor, officer etc.) still do not automatically allow anyone to put your in a subservient role.

 

I discovered a long time ago that many individuals change dramatically when they obtain some form of certification or empowerment. Example – Take a young man from your neighbourhood and provide him with a uniform and a ticket book and let him loose on the motoring public. It is often astounding how these props change this young man from a likeable and friendly person into a merciless hostile law enforcer that seems to think that he achieved something spectacular. I found that many teachers tend to talk to parents as if they are talking to a student taking a class with them. They talk in slow deliberate sentences while they ever so often double check if the parent understands what they are telling him/her. They tend to talk down to people while they maintain an interrogation tone of voice. It is horrific to see how some individuals soon after their registration as a mental health care worker create the impression that they can diagnose everyone that comes into their office at the drop of a hat. They slap labels on adults and children that they often carry with them for the rest of their lives. You will discover that all the examples that I gave above can be traced back to our habit of the allocation of access codes to certain individuals to our minds. Our traffic officer sometimes hardly passed a range of tests and in this manner gained access to the world of law enforcement. He can however now make you jump through hoops for him. The teacher can make the life of your child a living hell if you in any way make her look bad. Mental health care workers can destroy your relationships, marriage or cripple you for life when they wave their access card (certificate on the wall) and stick you in a box with some impressive label (diagnosis). They can be the cause that your child is downgraded to a school for “problem” children. Mental access cards allow anyone with an apparent qualification or status to play God in your life. These individuals include from the guy that repair your washing machine to the politician that make laws in parliament. Please note that I am not for a moment claiming that any of the examples used is a general trend. The point that I am making is that the access that is allocated to some individuals can put them in a power position that can impact heavily on anyone that don’t have the same standing and status in society. Remember you have the final say who you will allow to intimidate or manipulate you. A certificate, label (manager, supervisor, officer etc.) still do not automatically allow anyone to put your in a subservient role.  

 

Rene